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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU or is this sugar coated nastiness from mother

16 replies

cordeliabrown31 · 17/01/2020 18:32

Backstory: brother, who lives with our mother most of the time, recently told sisters he should inherit family house as is 'male, more intelligent, more experienced'. I asked my mother if she agreed with this and explained what he had said. This is the reply:

Thank you dearest XXX for your conversation.

XXX [brother] has decided to make the most of his time here in this house while he is waiting for a date for XXX. His intention in the party call with you all was not to display superiority in terms of intelligence, experience and rights as a male. He thought he could talk with you about difficult subjects, and this was a first step.

He wanted to talk about my getting older and how to manage the house. I am not sure he talked about installing railings down the rest of the front steps, for safety of visitors and for myself too, going through books and papers which I have stored and diminishing the accumulation, and so on.

When he talked about the house, this is what he meant, not, as you interpreted this, that he wanted to inherit the house, rather, in the capacity of a son who is looking out for his mother, like XXX [other family member who was sole inheritor of his family house] has done for his mother.

I hope that in time we will become as before, good and faithful friends, and full of love for each other.

Much love, XXXX

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 17/01/2020 19:01

Does that sound like something your mother would write? Or something your brother might write on her behalf?

Geschwister4 · 17/01/2020 19:07

Without knowing your brother or your mother it will be hard to know. Do they both have form for this? Has he mentioned wanting to inherit the house before? Does she generally favour him? I can't really tell from your post.

mbosnz · 17/01/2020 19:18

Wow. I don't know that it's particularly sugar coated.

TheSheepofWallSt · 17/01/2020 19:20

Where does your mother live? The 19th century?

Thehop · 17/01/2020 19:22

That’s the oddest reply I’ve ever seen from a mother to a daughter and doesNt answer your question at all.

BoredOfTheBoard · 17/01/2020 19:22

I wouldn't expect something worded that formally from a close relative. Is that the kind of language your mother would normally use?

willothewispa · 17/01/2020 19:25

Is your mother a time traveller from 150 years ago ?

MimiLaRue · 17/01/2020 19:25

Where does your mother live? The 19th century?

This lol. But really- if he is living with your mother and helping her then shouldnt he get a bigger share of the inheritance? My best friend is Irish and her mother has like, 12 siblings. One lived with the mum and cared for her in her old age. When she died, the one who looked after her got the lot. The others couldn't complain as they didn't want to look after her and were able to get on with their own lives whilst the one who cared for her put her life on hold.

73Sunglasslover · 17/01/2020 19:25

I can't understand what you're cross about? I'm reading this as your brother is helping your mother sort through some things and is installing some safety equipment whilst he's living there, to help your mother out. What makes you interpret this as he is solely going to inherit the house? is it just the reference to the other person who was sole inheritor? Is it not just worth asking your mother to clarify what she meant there? her text is a little rambly and hard to understand.

Lordamighty · 17/01/2020 19:26

It definitely sounds like a plan has been hatched between the two of them. Ask her directly if she intends to leave him the house & then you will know where you stand.

cordeliabrown31 · 18/01/2020 13:46

Thank you all. Yes, mother and brother both have form in this area - in the sense that they are both a little shy of the truth and my mother always covers for brother. He is not in full time work and claims he gave up his career to look after house (not mother). Mother does not need that much care, but there are two sisters there too who do most of the support. He is a great tidier-upper (so things tend to disappear) but, although he points out things that need doing, things are rarely actually done. Which is partly mother as well.

OP posts:
cordeliabrown31 · 18/01/2020 13:47

oh yes, and she says house will not be left to him, but then again there is the truth issue and the fact she says different things to different people. one has to take it on trust though.

OP posts:
Tellingitlikeitisnt · 18/01/2020 13:52

Well that’s a weird message and you brother sounds like he is favoured and possibly a schemer BUT

You have an unhealthy interest in inheriting - your mum is still alive and your siblings live at home

Get on with your own life Op- warm your own money and what will be will be when it comes of your mums decisions in her will

CakeandCustard28 · 18/01/2020 13:59

Your mum talks to you weirdly. So formal for a mum and daughter relationship! Agree with the other posters though, your mums still alive and your obsessing over inheritance.. she could live for years yet! Just try to get on with your life.

cordeliabrown31 · 18/01/2020 14:26

and yes, sorry, that is not an abnormal tone for her. never really thought about it before. and yes again, getting on with own life is right thing. last year was all about wills and inheritances for other reasons, but there's no need to continue.

OP posts:
HillAreas · 18/01/2020 14:40

His reasons are very peculiar and rude but his conclusion isn’t necessarily wrong.
My grandparents left their house to my uncle without sharing with my mum. This was because my uncle has lived there his whole life, was born in the bedroom he still sleeps in, and it would have been outrageous to expect him to sell the only home he’s ever known in order to pay my mum money she doesn’t need because she’s nicely set up with my dad. Everybody was happy with this and if it had been written as a 50/50 split mum would never have forced her brother into that position anyway.
I’m not 100% clear on your circumstances but are they in any way similar to this?

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