To expect more of my sister?

[SiblingStruggle]

(long-time lurker, first-time poster)

My DS and I have had a bit of a tricky relationship for many years. Essentially we are just really different people and approach problems and solutions in opposite ways. Underneath it all we do love each other but sometimes it's a bit muddy through all the drama.

She has 3 DC and moans that I am not involved enough. She has never forgiven me for being on a pre-booked trip abroad when her youngest was born. (My view was that babies don't generally arrive on their due date, and so the baby may or may not have been born while I was away )

I do see her DCs as often as I can. They don't live particularly close but I do always try to arrange to see them if I have free weekends and know I can make it to their house. I have babysat them all overnight on several occasions.

When DS was pregnant , I took an active interest and made sure I was asking if she was ok, if there was anything she needed, etc. I kept track of all of the scan dates and made sure I phoned to see how it went, etc.

Now I am expecting my first. I told DS I was pregnant about two months ago and since then I have heard........ nothing. I thought she might at least have called to see how I've been feeling. (I also haven't called her in this time, so maybe I am being a neglectful aunt and I am the one BU. Haven't received a thank you for any christmas pressies for kids or adults - I have sent mine.)

I feel really hurt and let down. I'm not ever going to say anything to her or confront her so I don't really know what I want, other than to see if it's unreasonable that I feel sad that she is so disinterested . Thanks if you made it this far!

I have a SIL like this! I cut her out in the end as it was always about her and her kids, even expected me to pick them up and take them back and pay for it all out of my own pocket when she wanted a break yet couldn’t give two **s about my kids. Life’s so much better without her in it. I wouldn’t bother with your sister, focus on the baby and other things.

yep, OP. better to concentrate on your baby rather than your sister.

I was away on holiday last week when my grandson was due. My daughter didn't make a single issue out of it. (Probably being grandad I wouldn't have been welcome in the delivery room )

ps, my grandson arrived yesterday

and congratulations op!
You pointed out you two are very different people and maybe you are never going to be really close and it might be wise to accept this and to not expect much from her.
From your post it reads you are doing all the work to keep a relationship going with your ds and her dc going which is going to be difficult to maintain when you are a mum yourself.
Yanbu to be sad .

She won’t have any interest in your baby OP. She sounds very self centered and will let you down if you expect anything.

Congratulations :)

I can see my sister being like this. She had her first 18m ago, and I've made an effort to see him a fair bit (they live 2 hours away), but the effort is ALWAYS in one direction. She hasn't visited once, and I've been to her about 10 times, and seen them at my parents a few times too.

I just can't see her making the effort.

The bit that really hurt me was when I went on honeymoon. I sent her a few pics/conversation starters about things that were really significant to us from childhood. She never replied.

Apparently she showed them to the people she was with at the time, but never bothered to reply.

My best friend has a baby a similar age, but she's not once left me hanging, even about trivial stuff. And she initiates things too.

Congrats @SiblingStruggle!

I would say something I've seen among friends and family is when the first to have the baby wants all the attention and often (not everyone, obvs, but those who are like that), they seem to go all quiet when someone else gets the attention. It's a bit like now you are having one of your own you won't be here for me. I'd ignore, be happy with your good news and just move on. I doubt she will provide any of the excitement or childcare that you have done.

Thanks everyone. I suppose I'm just really sad! This feels like something we probably won't come back from and I am just sad for our parents. They want us to be close but the reality is that it's never going to happen!

@billyt Congrats on your grandson!

Good Lord you have been a saint to be as good an aunt as you have! She is probably annoyed that you are having children yourself and won't be spending all your spare money on hers!

@mcmooberry I'm definitely not a saint but I do love the kids and try my best. I'm just sad that, if I lose my relationship with DS, I won't be able to maintain a relationship with the kids.

They are all under 7 so too young for their own phone, etc. The only way I can arrange to see them is through her. I don't want to lose the kids - for me and for my baby... I want him/her to grow up knowing their cousins. Maybe that's just a pipedream though.

My dsis sounds similar (she was first to have dc) I looked after them regularly to give her a break (even though I worked and she didn't even after I'd had dc I continued). I then had an accident I was layed in itu and her comments were well you've spoiled my weekend now you'll not ba able to babysit! Since the accident I've been ill for many years I rarely hear from her or see her and the disappointment is I miss out on the children and so do my dc. My parents will occasionally bring dn to see me but it's not very often. I found it really hard at first but now just get on with life dsis doesn't like that I became ill and couldn't care for her dc she never asks how I am or my dc. she is obviously selfish and resents my accident.
It's hard and I still have upsets but you need to get on with your life for the sake of your dc and hope you can still have a relationship with dn. You can't change dsis attitude but you can change how you react to it. Best of luck with the pregnancy time to put yourself and dc first.

Your sister sounds very self-absorbed, and there's no overcoming that.

Is your sister the eldest child? She sounds like someone who used to feel like the centre of other people's worlds and has not accepted that when she does not feel like that as an adult, it's not because anyone is neglecting her or treating her badly. I expect this is a passive aggressive attempt to hurt you perhaps in order to 'show' you how badly you've treated her in the past. I hope she can get some perspective at some point.

Congratulations Op.

I agree with the above posters, concerntrate on your own pregnancy. Your sister is self absorbed, instead of being excited and happy for you and your pregnancy she is only thinking of her loss of lime light. Could she be miffed she didn't hear about the pregnancy from you? What do your parents make of this?

@KC225 I told her in person that I was pregnant.

My parents obviously know that we have a difficult relationship and that we are very different people, but I haven't mentioned to them that we haven't spoken since the "announcement". If I mention it to them then they might prompt her to call me (she normally speaks to our mum a couple of times a week). I suppose I don't want that because I want to see how long it will go before she realises it has been X number of months and she hasn't checked how I am. Maybe that's stupid as I am testing her, and I know she is going to fail!

I guess you want her to call you because she actually wants to speak rather than because your parents have guilted her into it. I'm not sure whether it is testing her as such.