To find my SIL overbearing

[Orangeblossom78]

I get on fine with DH's two sisters, who both have children. However I am struggling with my brother's wife.

It seems to me his relationship is starting to mirror my parents. My mum was very domineering (they are divorced now) and my dad basically did what he was told. Even saying / parroting things / opinions she had. When they got divorced, he told me he felt he had kept quiet for years..

Anyway now my brother seems to be acting the same. When I ask him anything he says 'we think' but it is really her opinion (I can tell as he used to be different) He seems to take on what she thinks / says and I guess that is maybe an easy option to keep her happy.

However now she has started doing this a bit with me. Her views on the DC, their relationship with mine, how / when they should meet, etc. Seems to think she is right all the time and certain things are fact. and challenges me if I have other opinions. Also a bit of gas lighting over my mum who I have a difficult relationship with (not sure why she is even getting involved there)

Anyway recently have been having manipulative stuff like huffing when not doing something she wants (again reminds me of my mother who sued to give me the silent treatment growing up). Brother sort of joining in.

It's a shame as used to get on with my brother ok but it is like he was got so sort of enmeshed with her he isn't himself anymore. AIBU

Shit - I hit the wrong button. Sorry! YANBU.

I'd put some distance in there. And next time Mrs Knowitall starts up, tell her nicely but firmly that you haven't asked for any advice but if you need it you'll let her know. Rinse and repeat.

Ohh didn't know you could change your vote!

I am sadly already NC with my mother and feeling I might have to do the same unfortunately if it gets worse. She has also been asking for an 'explanation' for my mother and getting involved there also

Yes it was an odd conversation, brother did step in and say he had talked to mother and asked for an apology and she had got angry. I don't need their help / advance on all that. Anyway, just find it all overwhelming. But if I don;t see them they say they are upset etc

She has also been asking for an 'explanation' for my mother and getting involved there also
Do you mean asking why you're NC?
Just tell her it's none of her business.

As regards you mother tell SIL bluntly that it's none of her concern. Just don't engage in a conversation whereby she annoys you. Shut it down straight away and change the subject to the weather. She sounds like hard work so if I were you I'd probably distance myself.

Tell her it's between you and your Mum and that it would be inappropriate for her to get involved as it's nothing to do with her.

I’d laugh and say to her “you really remind me of my mother!”

It is quite odd to see - she is a bit like an extension of my mother in a way. and how my brother has chosen someone and out himself in same position as my dad. But I guess we learn from role models when we are young, unless we stand back and realise how that isn't really normal.

Better maybe a plan! if I dare...

Also, she sent me this article online about being NC and how sad it makes you, how you never move on etc etc...bit weird.

It something you should speak to your brother about in private. He asked for an apology on your behalf, so he got himself involved and your SIL might be sick of the drama and it being a topic of conversation all of the time.

Could she be being controlled by your Mother a bit, gas lit herself?

Also a bit of gas lighting over my mum who I have a difficult relationship with (not sure why she is even getting involved there)

It's a power play.
She has detected your weak spot & can't resist exploiting it to control & demean you.

However now she has started doing this a bit with me. Her views on the DC, their relationship with mine, how / when they should meet, etc. Seems to think she is right all the time and certain things are fact. and challenges me if I have other opinions.

What sort of things is she saying?

OP, you might find "oh sod off you interfering twat, nobody asked you for a running commentary on my life" will be effective.

Oh all sorts, controlling where and when to meet and always saying what we should do, for example, making a fuss over small things - just leaves me feeling unpleasantly 'got at'

What a singularly rude, intrusive person your sister in law is.

I think I'd be saying rather firmly, 'that is not your business, SIL, and I will not be discussing it with you'.

The difficult thing is feeling I need to work at it so the Dc can see each other, they are around the same age. Although that is difficult too due to different parenting etc as well. This is always the issue if we don;t agree to meet, they are sad / DC are sad.

Also will pick on things I find difficult to talk about, for example going back to work after an illness, growing older, or being with my Dh a long time, and quiz me on this stuff. Also on DH's family, ask me about them and then say oh, that wasn't fair the way they did X...not understanding I get on better with them than my own mother...all very intrusive

An effective way of managing these people - if you feel you have to see them - is to turn the conversation back to them.

When she asks a very personal question, give a neutral and vague response and then immediately ask her a question about something different but personal to her that you know she'll want to talk about.

"I think it's really bad that your ILs did XYZ, don't you?"
"Well it's done now and it was lovely to see them. Anyway, what about your new car/cardigan/dog?"

Tell her outright she reminds you of your dm.

Then Stone faced...