Crazy mother situation

[Barefootwonders]

Sorry this will be more of a rant. Apologies in advance as it'll be a long one and thank you for reading and giving your advice if you managed to get to the end.

Background story: My mother literally drives me insane. I've really never had a close relationship with her as much as I try I find it really hard to even have a full conversation with her. I lived with my grandparents until about 7 when my parents moved to another country, I love my grandparents dearly and have a huge respect for them. Since moving in with my mother as a child it's been tough. I lived with depression as far back as I can remember and when I was a teen things got so bad that the only way to escape the emotional turmoil inside was to self harm. At the time it was my only coping mechanism. Eventually I managed to get help through counselling and medication and overcame it though the depression never left me it became manageable. At 20 I moved out and I honestly say that a heavy load had finally been lifted off me and I can finally breath easier because I wasn't under the same roof as my mother, she couldn't control me anymore, couldn't dictate to me what I should and shouldn't do. I was brought up on corporal punishment by my mother, hit with belt, flip flops but slapped and spanked mostly, belts and shoes where rarely used.

My mother is a control freak and a narcissist, an example when I was 19 I went to dinner with my then boyfriend and she locked me out so I couldn't get in the house, I was home at around 11pm so it really wasn't that late but she had the hump that I went out in the first place she wanted me at home all day on my day off so she could control me even though I had a full time job then. Just to get away from her at the time I worked 80+ hours a week for months on end and ended up making myself ill and ended up in the hospital. She's the most negative person I know and will literally find a negative in any positive situation as an example we took our children to the beach for the first time this year and I sent her a video of him running away from the waves so happy on the beach and the first thing she asks was if he was cold, did he have suncream on, it was above 30 degrees and of course they had suncream. I don't understand why she can't she just say he looks like he's enjoying himself rather than negativity and it is always the same with everything else when it comes to my children it's always a negative comment and never a positive comment. She criticises everything and everyone and it's just so draining to have to listen to her. I'm over 30 now and have my own children and when we do visit she takes over with my children and again criticises, an example instead of asking me or my childrens father she asks my father to take care of them if she leaves the room. My children have survived 3 years with us, I think we doing alright. My father is the complete opposite, he's the most chilled out person I know and I honestly think he's become used to her antics and just tunes her out and ignores her, she has this annoying habit of talking to herself loudly like she's having a conversation with another person and basically says exactly what she's thinking.

The Now: So we live about an hour away from both set of parents so it's not like we are around the corner to visit. I did have a good job and quit to look after my first when he was born so I'm currently at home. My husband works most of the time 6 days aweek and this month he's working 14 days in a row twice, he won't get a day off, he has two jobs and we have one car and when he's not working we either have pre arrangements or he's so tired he just wants to relax at home and she's aware of all of this. I made the effort, not for my benefit but so my children could see their grandparents and spent a Sunday two weeks ago from 9am to 9pm at their house while my husband was working for part of the day. Last Friday I was really busy and she texted me about 8pm, I didn't get a chance to reply because I was sorting kids out and next day I genuinely completely forgot to reply and about 12pm I receive another text saying 'thanks for the reply'. I did call her back a short while after and she was just really sarky and miserable. Again very draining to have to listen to her.

Then yesterday I tried to call via video so she could see children but didn't answer so I voice called her instead and again she was just so miserable and moody and she just started having a go at me for not seeing children in two weeks, 'ITS BEEN BLOODY TWO WEEKS!!! For not video calling..I'm sorry but I don't always have time to spent up to an hour chasing the kids so she can see what they are doing. For never going to visit...we were there two weeks ago. We go a lot longer without seeing my husbands parents or speaking to them!! I can probably count on one hand the amount of times they have come to visit us and we've been at this house 3 years. Her argument for not visiting us more because they are always working and it's a long way yet she expects us to go to her regularly. Baring in mind my husband works crazy hours, we have young children and I'm currently 6 months pregnant so it'd be far easier for my parents to come to us, she doesn't drive so is reliant on my father. For never answering my phone, my phone is always on silent because of the children and she knows that but I do call back missed calls, in reference to that I can't remember the last time she actually called me probably before Christmas but she has a moan at me for not calling her even though I call atleast once a week or video call. For not answering her text message, I'm sorry but I was busy and then I completely forgot.

There is no three dimensional world, it's either black or white for her she doesn't see that the world doesn't revolve around her. It's basically her way and screw everyone else it doesn't matter what's happening in our lives, how tired we are or my explanation, even though I don't have to give one it isn't really taken into account. I'm 6 month's pregnant I really can do without the added stress from her.

So AIBU here? Anyone else out there with crazy psychotic mothers or MILs. How did you handle them?

Why haven't you gone NC already? She brings nothing to your life.

But why do you let it happen?

I would go NC with her. It's not something I would ever say lightly, but LC won't work as she'll drive you insane when you see her, as you've said, and she'll damage your DC as well.

If you can get some therapy and go NC to protect yourself, you don;t want her in contact with your DC do you after what she did to you?

Dad sounds enabling, as well

It's not that simple to cut her off completely. Don't get me wrong when she's basically getting her way and seeing the children she's normal and can be a genuinely nice person but when she's not she can be a pretty nasty piece of work. As much as I do try to ignore these tantrums of hers they do get to me. And I do sometimes struggle to stand up to her, part of it is a language barrier, I grew up and went to school in an English speaking country where as I communicate with her in my native language and as I don't use it daily I struggle with more complex words and sentences. The other part of it is that having grown up with my mother I've been left with low self-esteem and low self-confidence. I really struggle to now make new friends and interact with new people. I grew up being compared to her friends kids who are the same age as me and being told and made to feel like I was nothing and useless in comparison but then they didn't grow up with my mother or having childhood depression.

Growing up my mother said and did a lot of pretty nasty things that I really don't think I'd ever be able to say or do to my own kids. I was clothed, fed and watered, had all my basic necessities covered but I feel like that's where it ends, I was never taken to kid activities or interacted with kids my age outside school hours, rarely allowed to socialise with my peers outside school, weekends the tv was my bestfriend but on long summer holidays I'd be sent off abroad to stay with my grandparents which I absolutely loved and used to ball my eyes out for hours on end when I had to return.

She has gotten worse since I've had the children, and she just doesn't or doesn't want to understand that we have our own lives and can't visit every week just to appease her needs and wanting of seeing the kids, we're an hour away and even longer from my husbands parents so we see them even less so it's not as if we have one preferred set of parents to go to but she seems to think we go to my husbands parents a lot more regularly than we go to hers so I think a lot of her bitchiness stems from jealousy aswell because she feels like she's missing out on seeing the children more.

Correct me if I'm wrong but I honestly don't think two weeks is that long to go by without seeing someone.

My husband video called her yesterday so she could see the children and being toddlers after a few minutes the novalty of someone talking on the phone wears off and they wonder off so she had to get a dig in which was directed at me and say that the kids don't care about her because they don't know who she is. She said this in her native tongue so husband didn't understand otherwise he'd have said something to her. But really is there any need to say things like that? I don't understand her logic, does she really think that toddlers are going to stand in front of a phone the entire time she babbles nonsense to them? And I mean does she think by saying nasty comments like that it's going to make me want to contact her more or see her more often? It has the complete opposite effect on me. She is a narcissistic, over-bearing person and a hypocrite but I honestly don't think that she even understands that she's in the wrong.

I think I might just start by voice calling once a week max, no video calls so she learns that she can't always get her way with seeing the kids and continue to visit as and when we can and not adhere to her demands of regular visitations, if she wants to see the kids more often she has to come to us, she needs to learn that it works both ways and it can't just be down to us to visit all the time.
My husband says I should keep inviting her down every weekend so she doesn't have an excuse but I know she'll turn that around and say she's always working and doesn't have the time to come to us.

As for the children she adores them and would never physically harm them, she'd wrap them in bubble wrap if she could. She never allows them to leave her sight when we visit and is constantly hovering and fussing over them.

Thank you for reading and all the advice given. I really just needed a good rant.

She's domineering and controlling, all she cares about is getting what she wants and being top dog, I totally get how hard it is but ultimately you need to kick this person out of your life because she will only ever try to crush you and she will only get worse as she gets older
she adores the children because they are very useful pawns in her game of complete domination and control, when they start developing their own personalities and refusing to comply with her she won't find them so adorable
Her overriding aim is to be one up on you all the time, you need to get rid or get her under your control but do you really want to spend your life struggling with this person?

Why - WHY - are you continuing to facilitate a relationship with this woman? Just stop!

Seriously - stop the video calls. Stop the phone calls. Stop communicating with her. She is not a positive influence on the lives of the children you have. She isn't. You can't put a positive spin on it because there isn't one. She is a 'nasty piece of work' in your own words.
Lead by example. Show your children that it isn't normal to be spoken to in any nasty way by a parent/grandparent. If she can be polite you may consider it but not until she understands that she doesn't hold the cards, you do. You decide if she gets access to the children and at the moment, as she hasn't learned that she can't be mean to the mother (i.e. you) and still get access to the children (even by video call), she just doesn't get access at all.
She starts being polite to you, then things may change but not before.

STOP CONTACTING HER.

Why can't you cut her off? Write a list of reasons.

She never allows them to leave her sight and is constantly fussing over them
she doesn't just love them she wants to devour and possess them so that she can use them as weapons to control you, there is nothing healthy about anything that she does☹️

You've got an advantage now that you didn't have when you were growing up. You can take her or leave her. You can see her as little or as much as you want. Use it to your advantage. She behaves herself or you don't see her. Don't pick up the phone or respond to texts if she hounds you. You need to let her know contact with you is dependent on her being nice