DP screen addiction

[7dayslater]

A bit of background info:

I'm 19 & my DP is 23. We have a DS, 19 months. We've lived together for 2 years & we both work part-time, to fit around caring for our DS (our local nursery is 2+). I start a degree with the OU in February, DP hasn't decided what he wants to do yet. I suspect DP has depression & he is also grieving the loss of his father.

DP is always (80% of the time) on his tablet or laptop. He uses it to read comics, watch programmes, play games etc which would be fine but it's becoming excessive. When he makes dinner he takes the laptop to watch things whilst he does it - same with washing up. It's like he's unable to be without a screen in front of him. He will literally sit on it for hours. He even eats dinner whilst using his tablet. Often when I talk to him he doesn't respond so I have to repeat myself several times for him to actually listen to what I'm saying which is very frustrating. Sometimes I see DS looking at DP wanting to interact with him but DP doesn't even notice. I do know that when I'm at work DP is very hands on with DS and they do have a lovely bond.

I also feel hurt because in the evenings when we finally have some time to connect as a couple - DP just sits on his tablet. I do use my phone and I'm always on Mumsnet but I limit myself during the day & I'm not excessive in the evenings - I like to watch stuff on TV / chat / read.

I find it concerning for DP health too. He needs to go out more & have his needs met. It's saddening to see him like this.

Of course, when I bring it up I come across as controlling & DP becomes defensive. I just feel at a loss. I have been supportive, respectful & understanding for months now, but it's directly effecting my happiness at this point. I feel lonely. Sorry for rambling on.

Sorry it's so long!

Bump. Need advice, or some perspective.

It's excessive. I know you said he gets defensive but have you put it across to him like you have here, that it's not normal to wash up or eat and need a screen, and more importantly that it's affecting his relationship with DS? Its isolating and anti social. And downright rude. I'd have lost patience long ago.

Here it's me who's addicted to my phone - DH doesn't use screens much. So, from the other side of the fence, I can tell you that I wouldn't be very happy if DH tried to tell me how to spend my leisure time (even if he said it was for the good of my health etc). If he's pulling his weight at home (which it sounds like he is) you can't tell him he has to go out more.

However, I think it IS perfectly reasonable to say:

• No screens at all during mealtimes
• Maybe one or two evenings per week when you have no screens after DS has gone to bed and spend some time together as a couple chatting
• Definitely pull him up if you or DS are speaking to him and he's ignoring you - that's really rude.

Do you think he would agree to that?

@Sparklfairy

Yes, I've tried approaching it differently in the past but it always results in an argument & he gets very angry. He did agree with me once and stopped using it so much but since December it has ramped up again.

@Mandarinfish

I do agree with you about it being his free time, but with DP he is literally using it around 9 hours a day. He works 3 evenings a week, other than that he is at home on his tablet. It's fine in theory but it's really taking a toll on our relationship. I feel so disconnected from him. I try to talk about how I feel but he barely looks up from his tablet. I often feel alone in the day with DS when in reality DP is right there. I hope this makes sense.

Dp and I are both guilty of this. We don’t manage family dinner every night, but we have instituted a screen free rule during family dinner. He tries to violate it constantly and even our dd is allowed to call him out on it.

I also wouldn't mind so much if DP was still 'with us' while he uses it but he becomes totally unaware and cannot carry a conversation. Fair enough to just zone out in the evening. But this is from morning until night. It's constant. Maybe I'm BU.

What does he say when you discuss this with him and tell him what you've said here?

He'd likely say that I'm being unfair / controlling & then ignore me. If he doesn't want to talk about something he makes it very difficult.

Even if you say that it's making you feel unhappy and lonely? That you believe it is affecting your relationship?

That's not a good response from him. He should at least be open to discussing it. Do you think marriage counselling would help?

Yeah, sadly. He's not good with confrontation. Talking about issues like that usually ends in tears (mine, not his). He may consider counselling, I'm not sure, but we can't afford it at the moment anyway.