To ask what the correct child party etiquette is here?

[HenrysLeftBrain]

NCT group have 1st birthday parties coming up.

Babies / mothers aren't close but get along ok. Have met them all 3 or 4 times for coffee at each others houses etc.

1st party clashes with a family commitment so have rsvp'd no with apologies.

2nd party I will go to.

My partner says we will be expected to send a gift for the 1st party if we don't go in person. I think that's wierd and not normal.
He says we should take a gift when we go to the second party; of course I agree.

Extra context:

• We do not plan on having a party for our dc.
• Any gift sent to the 1st baby party will have to be specially dropped off at a prearranged time (not close by, not a relationship where you'd just "pop in").
• DH has form for making grand, unrewarded gestures that other people don't reciprocate in return (e.g inviting a distant friend for a "quick bite" that turns into A3 course meal and every dish is used in - he makes it all & tidies up after, doesn't expect me to lift a finger; or spending lots of cash on family Christmas presents which they blatantly talk about giving to charity 3 months later yet still giving them stuff,etc).

Yabu = of course we should somehow send a gift to party 1 and party 2
Yanbu = party 2 gift only, you only gift if you attend, not to any invitation

Definitely don’t send a gift if you are not going to the party (I’d say this even if you were having a party for your DC and they brought a gift with them). There’s obviously no particular etiquette but absolutely no need to do so.

Done be ridiculous.

Gift for the party you attend only and only spend £5 on the gift.

No one needs anymore shit.

Babies won’t notice and hopefully parents won’t care. If you don’t attend I don’t think you need to send a gift.

I wouldn't send a gift but if the group is sort of in the process of establishing a relationship where you all buy for each others kids, then I would probably take a gift along for Child A when I went to the party for Child B, or the next time I saw them.

1. You don’t know them well
2. It’s a 1 year old
3. You’re not attending and RSVP’d, which is polite
4. Nobody should expect you to send a gift

You don't send a gift to a party you don't go to unless you are really close to the child/family. And definitely not for a 1 year old who has no concept of gifts anyway!

I would be embarrassed if someone from my NCT group I'd had coffee with a handful of times made a special point of coming round with a birthday gift for my 1 year old!

No gift needed at all

Thank you!

I'll take a gift to party 2 only (when we go).
I think the comment about being embarrassed sums it up. If I were party #1 mum I'd think it was odd then embarrassed if I didn't arrange the same 1-2-1 meetup when my child doesn't have a party.

I don't want to get into that expectation! / Awkwardness.

FWIW in my NCT group ( 21 years ago!) we had a small tea party for our babies each year until 5 when we exchanged small gifts ( like a book). Then at 16 then at 18. Amazing to see how they all changed. We all kept in touch for many years though and several have remained genuine friends. I always send a card now. Our babies will be 21 starting in February this year through to may. Don't stress though, your DH sounds like mine, you don't need to always make a grand gesture