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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

red flags

4 replies

Redduffleandshoes · 15/01/2020 15:54

have been on reflecting on past stuff recently..always thought after having an abusive marriage I must be a bad judge of character however before I got married I briefly dated a guy who in many ways seemed like a good catch but I ended the relationship Because I sensed he told me lots of lies and just some how was flaky and had attitudes towards women that I didn't like. have very recently found out that his ex wife had to get a restraining order on him. that made me realise that perhaps my judgement is not always terribly wrong (although it was with my ex husband). What do you all see as red flags early on in a relationship? if you met a young woman and she wanted your advice on red flags what would you say? im asking this because some women seem to go through life having healthy relationships with guys and yet others seem to have one after another. (Im not blaming the women by the way, I just wonder do some women smell out red flags better than others and why?)

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OnlyFoolsnMothers · 15/01/2020 16:04

Red flags for me are: overly keen, saying anything negative about their exes too early on, anyone who would encourage me to stay home rather than go out with my friends and masks it as concern for me.

I think its easier to spot red flags if you 1- grew up around functional relationships, 2 - you have good self esteem

user7522689 · 15/01/2020 16:07

I would suggest she did the Freedom Programme or similar to learn to spot the dynamics indicating abuse, rather than trying to operate an unsafe checklist approach.

Redduffleandshoes · 15/01/2020 16:08

@only fools, thank you..I agree about the self esteem BUT I knew a girl who once said she felt she knew the red flags from seeing her mothers own abusive relationships over the years. is it possible that if someone comes from a happy family they would give someone the benefit of the doubt because they would always see the good in them? also, do you think an insecure guy may be attracted to someone from a secure family in the hope she can provide him with what he hasn't had (ie he wants her to look after and 'fix' him?)

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Redduffleandshoes · 15/01/2020 16:09

@user, yes, I feel the freedom programme should be moderated to be age specific to be delivered to all kids in senior school

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