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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'd really appreciate a third party's opinion on this please.

28 replies

mckenzie · 29/08/2007 21:43

Background is this. Dh has his own business which has grown very rapidly in the last 2 years. Good news yes but putting him under lots of pressure. Last few weeks he has been stressed with computer problems and working a few late nights. He also had to bow out of a family day on Bank Holiday monday at the last minute to sort out a computer issue.
Tonight he had a meeting in London which he had told me about at the weekend which was to "sort out a problem". He told the DCs this morning that he would be back very late tonight but they were fine as it's quite normal at the moment.

Anyway, I had called him about 5 times today to ask him one particular question but kept getting his a/p which i thought was to be expected as I knew he had a colleague in the office for meetings. DH then called me about 4pm but the service was rubbish on my phone so we had to cut the call short. I called him back when i got home at 5pm but just got the a/phones again (office and mobile).
Then at about 6pm I saw him walk past the front kitchen window, with his dad, and wave to me. I shouted out to the DCs that dad was home and went to open the front door only to see him getting into his dad's car and driving off .
After I calmed the DCs I called him to ask what was going on and he got a bit agressive with me saying I should have realised that he was just coming to drop his car off so that his dad could give him a lift to the station for going into London. He hadn't had time to stop. When i asked why he hadn't warned me that he was going to do that so i would know not to say anything to the children he accused me of being "never available to chat to him on the phone so what was the point in calling?"

I don't want to blow this out of proportion and my gut feeling is telling me to use this as a kick up the butt for both of us they we are not communicating properly, if at all.
I'd be interested though in other unbiased opinions.
And bring it on if necessary, I've got very broad shoulders.
TIA

OP posts:

Original poster

mckenzie · 29/08/2007 21:43

ps. just seen how long that message is. Sorry!

OP posts:

meandmy · 29/08/2007 21:47

perhaps if he used a calender to write down times of meetings etc it might solve the confusion if nothing else!

professorplum · 29/08/2007 21:49

He sounds very stressed. You might need to go a bit Stepford for a few weeks.

coleyboy · 29/08/2007 21:50

I find it a bit odd that your dh came home to drop the car off but didn't come in to say hello. You're certainly not over-reacting about that. If I were in your shoes I would be extremely pissed off that he didn't say hello and that he got aggressive with you.

pyjamaqueen · 29/08/2007 21:51

Agree with Coleyboy.

FLIER · 29/08/2007 21:51

Go with your gut feeling, yes, you both need to get communicating again.
Why didn't he tell you at the time he told you about the late night meeting that his dad was going to give him a lift? Then you wouldn't have this problem!
Men!

paddlinglikemad · 29/08/2007 21:53

well I think it sounds like he needs to be a clearer in what he intends to do with his day, obviously he didn't tell you he would be dropping his car off and there is nothing worse then very excited then very disappointed kids..I think you are right in being hacked off, but it is only communication thats getting lost isn't it?...if he could give you a list like meandmy says then at least you would both have some idea...

McEdam · 29/08/2007 21:54

I'd be livid. Very, very rude of him and hurtful to the children. He's either being deliberately stupid, or he is stupid, or possibly I suppose is so stressed that he can't think several steps ahead. In which case, he should be a bit more bloody gracious about it, rather than getting aggressive with you.

HonoriaGlossop · 29/08/2007 21:56

Wot McEdam said.

professorplum · 29/08/2007 22:02

I feel quite sorry for him. He's been at work all day and has to rush to get a train to go to a meeting which is to sort out a problem. He doesn't even have time to say hi to his wife and kids in case he misses his train. What if the meeting goes really badly and they can't sort out the problem. Its his own business so the buck stops with him. Then his wife has a go at him about not speaking to the kids (not saying you were having a go-but that might be how he sees it) Then he has to come home really late on the train with a mouldy sandwich and grey coffee. He's has a rotten day.

Plus he thinks that you took no notice of what he said about being home really late.

I don't want to sound like I'm being mean. Just playing devil's advocate.

Desiderata · 29/08/2007 22:08

I agree with the prof.

It's a storm in a teacup in the great scheme of things. He sounds stressed. Perhaps you both need to talk about how much the work is affecting the home life, and what boundaries need to be drawn in order to keep everything swimming nicely.

Original poster

mckenzie · 29/08/2007 22:22

thank you for all the replies - I really appreciate it.
And I do feel sorry for him Professorplum, I really do. But we've been here before and had the conversation about boundaries and where work is affecting our family life. Unfortuately, and this is obviously only my side of the story, DH always says that he just needs to get through this particular project or this particularly busy period or this problem but there never seems to be an end to all these particular things. To a certain extent it's been like this for the last 10 years or so just that it's got worse as the company has grown and I notice it more now that we have 2 children.
Sorry, I'm waffling now. Thanks again for the view points. We are away for a long weekend with the DCs so hopefully there will be time for some long uninterupted chats when they are tucked up in bed.

OP posts:

battlestar · 29/08/2007 22:26

he just sounds like a normal man to me.
balancing family life with a successful business is imo, almost impossible.
yes, ithink he shouldhave texted you. but tbh, he sounds so busy, its .......
unfortunatly, i am someone who has also had to just get used to ti. at least i know he is actually working and not off doing something harmful to the family. iyswim.

sorry, completley useless post.
how old are your dc?

Original poster

mckenzie · 29/08/2007 22:36

not a useless post battlestar
DS is 6 and DD is 2 and a half.
DS mentions it quite a bit "I want daddy to come home and play cricket with me" etc.
DD doesn't say much about it but I do notice that her behaviour changes if he isn't around for a few days. He's never here much in the mornings as he's not good at getting out of bed so then when he does eventually get up he has to run into the shower and out of the door. So they only get to see him perhaps 2 or 3 evenings out of 5 during the week. It used to be that he worked most sundays going into the office about 1pm and working through until the early hours as a way of catching up but he's trying not to have to do that anymore. I'm very pleased for all of our sakes as that was the hardest day for the children. Other children playing football in the park with the dads and DS wandering around like a lost soul looking for some one to play with (I'm not a bad goalie at home apparently, for a mum, but I'm not good enough for park football!)

OP posts:

Howdydoody · 29/08/2007 22:39

I cant believe he was that busy he couldnt give the dcs a quick kiss and cuddle - or your FIL couldnt have taken them in the car to the station so that they saw daddy for a minute.
YANBU - he is, mainly not to say hi to the children

Desiderata · 29/08/2007 22:39

Ah, bless you, mckenzie

You sound like one hell of a nice woman!

WideWebWitch · 29/08/2007 22:42

He's being very unfair.
Are you sure he's not having an affair?
(sorry in advance is that's out of the q but you did say you have broad shoulders) - it sounds like vaguely suspicious/guilty behaviour to me, all defensive etc.

I'd be bloody cross.

Original poster

mckenzie · 29/08/2007 22:47

well although i'd never say it's out of the question WWW, I really don't think he is. I could of course be wrong but I just don't think he's got the time to have an affair . I usually do call him on the office line number whenever I need to at weekends etc (rather than his mobile) and he always answers it. So unless his secret lady friend is happy to be wined and dined in a shabby large open plan office block.............

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 29/08/2007 22:48

Oh ok! It doesn't sound like seduction central, true! But I do think he's being unfair.

Desiderata · 29/08/2007 22:48

Would you expect your dad to escort you to your lover's house?

No, WWW, that didn't cross my mind at all .. and most things do!

You don't think it, do you mckenzie?

themoon66 · 29/08/2007 22:50

Doesn't sound to me like he has time for an affair WWW. My DH gets stressed with work like that and I just leave him alone to work through. We communicate when his head is back with us again.

onlyWotz · 29/08/2007 22:57

To me is sounds like others have said, he has alot on his plate and you have mentioned you are planning a weekend away without the dcs soon. If it is his own business, he will have to do everything now so he can have the time off.

I can feel the stress as i read this.

battlestar · 30/08/2007 00:04

my dh used to be a complete and utter workaholic too.s till is to a lesser extent. and it still makes me sad whenthe kids ask if teheir ddaddy is coming home today?
however, i do understandt the thing about not giving kids a quick kiss. its a mental comparmentalising thing. if he is on a roll thingking abddealing with work, then five minutes to stop andgive the kidsa akiss etc actually requires perhaps as much as anhour off work thinking time.
dh is much better now at spending itme with the kids. they are a little bit older now, 10 6 and 4, but they know their dad loves themin his own way. even if he doesnt kick a ball around with them. and i think that is what is important.
as long as i take it in my stride, the kids just think its normal. when i get relly stressdby it, then they do too.
hope it works for you.

mylittlefreya · 30/08/2007 07:45

My DP is a lot like this - I especially relate to the "it will be better once such and such is over" stuff. I think you're doing a great job, I hope you manage to communicate a bit better very soon.

PrincessGoodLife · 30/08/2007 07:54

He does sounds busy and stressed. And I think most people will agree that it is easier to take these things out on the people you love the most.

From what you said it seems you, the kids, the house are his constant. Everything else is in unpredictable. I'm sure he needs you more than ever now but hasn't had a moment to himself in which to think about it or tell you. Not suggesting that is was right to be so rude to you but the time will come - hopefuly soon - when you can talk everything through.

Patience - you need a lot of his when living with a stresshead!

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