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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think my friend is a single parent even though she has a boyfriend?

49 replies

Newyearnewnameforthis · 14/01/2020 23:36

She lives with her two DS in her own house, pays all bills. Receives CMS, DS visit their dad every other weekend.
Her BF stays over probably 3-4 times a week, but that's it. He has his own house where he lives. They have no joint money or accounts, he doesn't give her money or pay for anything, he does his own laundry etc at his house, he doesn't keep any clothes or belongings at hers.
She gets Child Tax Credits, but that's all. Someone at her work told her that she can't get CTC because she's not single. She thought it was just Working Tax Credits or Housing Benefits or something that she couldn't apply for. She's worried because on her claim form two years ago she put Single.
Is this true?

OP posts:

MissB83 · 15/01/2020 08:48

There are some weird opinions on this thread. Of course your friend can have a BF to stay if she is on benefits! If she was living with someone and they had a financial connection ie set up home together, paying bills jointly etc, then she shouldn't have CTC. However it's not simply a case that HMRC will look at her having someone over to stay, it is appreciated that adults can have different types of relationships and that a partner might come to stay over but they aren't cohabiting there are a number of other factors which will be looked at.

Rosebel · 15/01/2020 08:55

I think your friend should check. The rule used to be !more than 3 times a week was consider living together but that may have changed.

MissB83 · 15/01/2020 08:58

www.gov.uk/claim-tax-credits/joint-claims

user1493413286 · 15/01/2020 09:01

She’s single; he’s not contributing financially and has his own place.

ApacheEchidna · 15/01/2020 09:05

single parents aren't expected to be celibate or refrain from having a girlfriend or boyfriend. nor is it expected that as soon as someone becomes the girlfriend or boyfriend of a single parent, they should assume financial responsibility for supporting them. that would be silly.

if they become committed in the long term it will make financial sense to move in together - the loss in benefits from no longer being a single parent would be less than the cost of maintaining a spare home (including two lots of council tax, other bills etc) so as a couple they will be better off - but there is no obligation to take that step and it would be unreasonable for the government to railroad them into it by withdrawing benefits before that commitment is there.

the dodgy area is where there is a situation like this where it is discovered that "boyfriend has his own place" actually means that boyfriend is landlord of a place he lets out to tenants and isn't incurring any costs for, but he sleeps elsewhere (either at his parents house or on sofa in the let-out house where he is landlord) 3 nights a week. there are lots of possible setups like this which are really two people living together but for a fig leaf technicality which they want to believe means they are still single.

if he is maintaining and paying for the full cost of an independent separate life then the "not living together" is a lot more credible.

Piffle11 · 15/01/2020 09:06

She needs to check! I know someone who was living apart from her BF - own houses, own bank accs, no joint money, BUT he was the DF of 1 of her DC and paid for the DC … she ended up in court for claiming she was single and receiving benefits accordingly. Your friend is not single, but that doesn't mean she's doing anything wrong. But surely best to check with the relevant benefit agency, rather than a bit of possibly wrong advice from other people? It's not as clear cut as it used to be: once you had to be classed as living together to be considered a couple, but not any more. I'm not even sure the 'staying over X nights per week' thing is still taken into consideration. It's a very murky area and if I were you I really wouldn't be offering advice, as it may come back to bite you and your friend on the backside. Get her to check herself, properly. If she doesn't want to ring the tax credits or benefit agency, maybe CAB.

SwishSwishSheesh · 15/01/2020 09:08

Of course she's single! He doesn't use her address for any correspondence (I presume) and doesn't contribute to household income. Don't listen to the drama queens with their '3 nights threshold' nonsense.

Why is she even bothered? It's not like anyone will go checking up on her.

Amber2019 · 15/01/2020 09:09

The 3 nights are a myth, he could be staying more nights but so long as he isnt contributing and has his own address and pays his own bills then she is fine. If he was staying with a is parents and was at her house and helping pay her Bill's then that would be classed as a couple

Meercatsarecats · 15/01/2020 09:12

There are no rules over nights per week.
The line they use is married/in a civil partnership or living together as if you are married/partnered.
I don't think your friends has anything to worry about but as others have said she should think about being abit more private about her finances and living arrangements at work.

Tombliwho · 15/01/2020 09:14

Why would you share your finances and private life in such detail with colleagues

MiniEggAddiction · 15/01/2020 09:15

Financially she's single. Obviously there has to be a cut off but that would be when her boyfriend gave up his own house and moved into hers because at that point he'd be contributing towards her household rather than paying to maintain his own.

From a social perspective you might consider yourself no longer single after going on a few dates with someone and deciding to be exclusive but that doesn't mean you'd need to inform the authorities until you're actually living together.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 15/01/2020 09:16

@Tombliwho I've worked with people like this. They think everyone's their friend and over share. Then when something goes wrong they'll choose a random person to blame.

Original poster

Newyearnewnameforthis · 15/01/2020 09:17

I don't know what she shared at work, other than she was in a conversation where someone else said if you have s boyfriend you're not single. I doubt she told them everything I've put on here, they just know she has a boyfriend. I'm her best friend and we talked about it last week when she asked what I thought.

OP posts:

Rottenmilkcup · 15/01/2020 09:18

Years ago when I split up with my ex I went onto income support. We got back together for a brief period, he was still living with his parents but staying a couple of nights a week and when I queried this with income support I was pulled in to the job centre to make a statement.

I explained he had no belongings at my house (true) and didn't help out financially (also true but that's because he's a dick) but the decision came back that this is seen as me claiming fraudulently so in the end he just moved back in and I stopped claiming.

Obviously that situation is a bit different though as he was my child's father and it would have looked really dodgy but it did make me wonder what would happen if it was the same situation with a new partner.

FreedomfromPE · 15/01/2020 09:22

I was like that. I did eventually choose to marry my boyfriend. Fwiw as our finances were demonstrably separate when my ex reported me for abusing tax credits they ruled no foul. She is a single parent. Now that I am married and live with my husband of course I don't call myself a single parent.
It was our finances and that my then boyfriend put nothing into the household nor childcare costs at that point in our relationship that was key.

Kazzyhoward · 15/01/2020 09:23

If he has his own residence that he pays the bills in his name then that is his place of residence.

Not that simple. Having a "home" somewhere else doesn't mean he isn't "living" with the OP's friend for tax/benefits purposes. It depends on the facts of the case.

HMRC have been known (in a past court case) to successfully argue someone wasn't "living" in their home due to very low gas/electricity bills which proved very low utility usage which proved the person wasn't actually spending much time in the house, hence "living" elsewhere.

FreedomfromPE · 15/01/2020 09:24

I and he provided bank statements and I provided bills.

FreedomfromPE · 15/01/2020 09:25

Oh. And his work schedule.

Waterchestnut · 15/01/2020 09:35

Of course she is single.

She shares nothing apart from him visiting overnights. If they never saw each other again there would be no separation of their lives. They could just move on and never speak again.

SaintGarbo · 15/01/2020 10:16

My Boyfriend stays at mine 4 - 5 nights a week but doesn't live with me. For benefit purposes I'd be single.

(I'm only in receipt of child benifit)

Urkiddingright · 15/01/2020 10:38

He doesn’t live with her or contribute financially to her household so yes, she is single.

Lizzie0869 · 15/01/2020 10:41

It would never have occurred to me that she wasn't single for benefit purposes, if so it would be unfair in the extreme. I've certainly never heard of this 3/4 night rule. The simple solution is just don't overshare your personal business with colleagues at work; they're not your friends usually.

KnifeAngel · 15/01/2020 10:42

He sounds like a freeloader if he is staying over 3/4 nights and not contributing anything. I think they would view this as cohabiting if she was investigated.

JasonPollack · 15/01/2020 10:45

She is single.

to all intensive purposes is not a phrase @cabbageking. FGS.

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