To stop friends wedding

[BlackBlueBell]

I’m currently due to be a bridesmaid for my best friend, I’ve known both bride and groom for quite a while now and I love them both, both are great people tbh. When they first started dating I was super happy for them, they were an amazing couple and you could see how happy they were, but as time has gone on things sadly have gradually got worse and best friend has told me more and more about what’s gone on between them and I’ve given advice at the time but now I’m thinking surely enough is enough, I know people can work through things but this is a lot, and the last thing I would want is for her to have to go through a divorce, or for either of them tbh. I’m taking about stolen money, domestic abuse from both sides, I was present for one of their arguments unfortunately but it was really really bad, screaming at each other, throwing things, doing spiteful stuff. They otherwise are happy but when it’s bad it’s really bad. It’s the domestic abuse that scares me the most, currently it’s bad but not to the point of bruises/broken bones, but I really fear this might happen one day, and abuse isn’t good in any relationship anyways. Wibu to say maybe they shouldn’t get married? I saw it working before but honestly now I don’t, I wouldn’t want her to feel I let her down by not saying anything if things did go to shit in the future. But I’m more than likely to be hit with some backlash from her if I do say something so it’s a hard one.

Does anyone else know about what's going on? Can you ask them to talk to her with you? You may damage your friendship and she may not listen to you but you should try.

No one else really knows what’s going on so I’d be completely on my own on this.

I boycotted (for want of a better word)a big, close family member’s wedding. I told the person my reasons, that I couldn’t be a bridesmaid for union I thought was dysfunctional, abusive, and ultimately doomed. They carried on with the marriage, obviously it didn’t go down well that I’d made it a thing, but I have no regrets. I wouldn’t have been, forgive the pathetic cliche, ‘true to myself’, if I’d ignored the many and varied red flags that were in front of my face. Their marriage culminated in violent and traumatic disaster, and I don’t feel good about being right, but I just couldn’t co-sign the whole thing and cheer them on. Our relationship didn’t really recover, if I’m honest, but I know I did the right thing.

Do either the B2B or G2B have any sibilings? Is there anyone in their families that you could talk to and kind of feel out for their impression of things before you go in to give more than your 2c worth.

If you really feel you have to say something to one of them my advice would be to do it on a one by one basis if at all. Ask them if they think the arguments are healthy? Are they excessive? Are they normal? What would they advise someone if they were the witness to someone else having an equally vocal argument? If there were to be kids at some point what would they advise then? Try and help them come to their own decision without you having actually come out with "Listen guys, I think you're great people as individuals but together you are toxic for each other" kind of thing.

Of course you could not say a thing and let them be adults and come to their own decisions themselves.

Given you like both I think it makes it easier to tell them as it's not personal.

"i love you and I know that this conversation might be the end of our friendship but I have to say this. Your relationship is abusive and not healthy and this marriage should not be happening now. The reason no one else knows what goes on in your relationship is because you both know if people knew the truth they would be horrified. But you've told me and shown me and I think it's because you want me to say something. This is not right it's abusive and needs to stop. There should be no marriage till that happens"

My Dad objected to my cousins arranged marriage as he doesn’t agree with them (cultural differences in the family). He did this by not attending but also saying that if she ever needed somewhere to stay, no matter what time of day or night she was always welcome at his house without any questions or explanations. Maybe an option.

As a survivor of DA I'm going to be really honest here. The person who is being abused will not listen, reason with or accept your opinion.

If DA is indeed a component of their relationship what will happen is they will immediately tell their abuser, who will convince them that you are jealous of them and trying to cause them problems.

They will then end your friendship with them and get married anyway.

The only way this will stop is for the person being abused to see it themselves and be brave enough to walk away.

I dont see this going well for any of you unfortunately

Alas you are between a rock and a very hard place. Whatever you do will be taken badly and will not be appreciated. It will be hard to hold onto the friendship. Realistically whatever you do you can not unilaterally stop the wedding.

@MaderiaCycle

Did anything happen in the marriage or did it work?

Op it sound like they are as bad as each other, i dont know what you can do, something needs done though before she ends up pregnant

I told a close family member that they shouldn't marry their fiancé. I told her all my reasons clearly and without emotion. I couldn't see her get married without telling her that it was ok to call it all off.

But I told her that I would support her no matter what. That I would always be there to listen and not judge.

She married him and it's been hard. His behaviour has escalated and she's a very unhappy person who still won't leave. Yet.

I know she doesn't tell me all their problems now but when she does I just tell her that she should walk away but it's her decision. I'll still be there regardless.

It's very hard when it's a close family member/friend.

I would probably boycott the wedding and explain to bride why. Give her leaflets about information relating to DA.
I didnt attend a cousins wedding as I aware the groom had a violent history, cousin was aware but totally ignored it.
They got divorced about 4 years later by which point she was a regular cocaine user, with 2 children.
So I would say, present your concerns and then step back.

@Evilspiritgin so far so good, 15 years and two kids later but the offer still stands. They had met briefly before the marriage and I suppose you don’t truly know what you’re going to get.