Schools and residential trips..

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DS is nearly 9 and in year 4. Last year they had a residential trip only a short distance away from home. There was no way DS was staying. He has autism and he didn’t want to nor would I feel comfortable letting him. He went for the daytime activities and we picked him up in the evening and took him back first thing. Worked well.

This year it’s 2 nights about 1.5 hours away from
Home 🤦‍♀️ DS doesn’t really want to go at all. I will gently encourage him but I’m pretty certain he won’t stay there. It’s unrealistic to pick him up and take him back when I have DD. A 3hr round trip with her in the evening and again in the morning twice seems a bit much now she’s in primary school herself. OH works long hours. He could book it off but unsure on dates yet. I’m not comfortable driving that far with Dc on my own too. They can be nightmares in the car. Both have additional needs.

DS is getting upset about it. Saying he doesn’t want to go at all. He is a young 8 year old but the teacher says he has to. Which baffles me as surely not a children go? Some children don’t like being away and a lot of parents cannot afford what they charge for it.

Aibu to think they can’t upset DS by telling him he has to go.

When I was at primary school there was one residential in year 6 but now it’s every damn year in the juniors. I didn’t go myself 🤣 I’ve never been into anything adventurous 🤣

If he doesn’t want to go. Would you send him into school alone without his classmates?? Bearing in mind he has 1:1 support. Or keep him off if no one is going to be there??

Sorry if this seems a pointless post. things are ten times more complicated when a child has additional needs. I’m just not sure he would settle sleeping away from home!

He doesn’t have to go and I doubt they’ve really said that.

There will be provision within school for those that don’t go. But you need to speak directly to school to find out what their stance is and what has been said to your DS.

My (NT) DS went in his Y4 residential. He was strongly encouraged by school and DH. I wasn’t sure but thought he would miss out and regret it if he didn’t go. He is happy to stay at someone’s house but didn’t want to be in a dorm an dis very very fond of sleep and gets very upset if people keep him awake. He’s also not keen on outward bound activities
He absolutely hated it, he was very calm when he got home but said he had hated every minute of it. Even his teacher said he probably shouldn’t have gone, he wasn’t any trouble but just patently didn’t want to be there
He isn’t going on his Y6 one but I have told him he HAS to do the Y7 one at his new school as he will hardly know anyone and it’s a really important bonding activity
Residential aren’t for everyone, I think I remember desperately trying to get out of one when I was about 12

I would definitely go into school and speak to the teacher and/or the senco.
I have taken many children on residential but after my experience this year, with a few children with ASD who were really struggling, I am reconsidering our trip to make it closer and non residential. For the reasons you say. The activities are enough, the overnight is what tipped mine over the edge.
They had a great time, and we all worked together to help them. We managed the meltdowns and took a variety of actions to minimise the stress. But I think that being able to decompress at home would have been better for them.
Not all of ours go anyway and the ones who stay do a variety of interesting activities at school. We even did a Taskmaster type challenge day with them.

My son has ASD and attends a special school. His twin sister goes to mainstream but is currently being assessed for ASD and she struggles with severe anxiety. She won’t even consider going on a residential - and she’s in Y5 and 10 yrs old. There’s no way my son will go, he struggles with the anxiety even going to school. I gently encourage my daughter to consider activities but I’m not going to force her. There’s plenty of time for them to grow up and have fun experiences.

Also I’m a school governor and every years there’s always 1 or 2 kids who just don’t want to go. And actually, I never went when I was at school as 1) my family had no mo way and 2) my mum was a batshit crazy control freak.

I absolutely would not be allowing teachers to stress my children out by telling them they have to go. You are the parent, it’s your choice - you know your child. The only thing I would caution is that with children with additional needs such as ASD, I think we can be in Uber-protector mode so often it’s easy to jump to conclusions. I think it’s healthy to stop and question ourselves just to be really sure our children definitely can’t manage and that we aren’t negatively impacting on their perception. Sone SEN children may well be completely fine, it really goes depend. Go with your gut instinct and don’t feel bad about daring to be different

Wow. How many typos in one post?! I’m on my phone and have fat fingers. That’s my excuse 😂😂

I think I would try and do the picking him up and dropping him off thing. Yes it’s inconvenient and a pain for your younger child (is there anyone who could look after her?) but the advantages of him going, even if just for the day activities will outweigh that imo.
There’s even a chance that he might choose to stay over for the second night (i realise this is unlikely but you never know!)

DD had one in Y5 and apart from 1 girl all went, saying that none of them has SEN. The school has a SEN section and the children from the right age group (they are KS1 then lower KS2 and upper KS2 groups) went for the day and returned in the evening but only for two days, not the full time.

In Y6 all went plus one from the SEN section for the whole time, saying that, the SEN child was very much integrated in the normal classes from a social point of view, not academic and had several friends. Very much different to your situtation.

The school can't insist on him going, residentials or any other trip are not compulsory.

Sorry-I missed the bit about them being hard work in the car. That makes it more difficult. I still think I would try my best to get him there as much on his terms as you can.
Ultimately he doesn’t have to go though.

Hi op, he absolutely doesn’t have to go. How awful of the teacher to say this. What if you couldn’t afford to pay it for a start?

My own dd is in year 4 and is going away in 4 weeks to a PGL place around 90 minutes away. She will turn 9 on the day they return and she absolutely wants to go and can not wait. Out of her class of 30. 29 of them are going including a couple of them with autism but as we both know, it affects everyone differently and my own ds has ASD ( now nearly 17 ) and he went on all 3 residentials in years 4/5/6 but his classmate with ASD didn’t.

The one child in dd’s class who isn’t going happens to be the oldest. That’s by the by and he absolutely doesn’t want to go and I would love to see his mum’s reaction if she was told he has to go. Absolutely wrong.

From my experience of having both my dc go through the school there are usually 3-4 dc in every class who don’t want to go/can’t go and that’s fine. They spend the time in other classrooms whilst their class are away.

Book an appointment to talk to the teacher and his TA about it. You can discuss the likely implications of having him there overnight, and the sort of provision they might have to put in place to support him. They might be able to reassure you that it will be fine, or they might realise that it may be a case of "setting him up to fail" and that it would be better for him not to go this time around.

The teacher probably hasn't thought through some of the issues - I suspect they'd need to take two TAs just for him, which will bump costs up. He'll need the one-to-one support all day plus potentially time at night if he is distressed, and they need to get some sleep. Also check whether that would be people who normally work with him - there's no guarantee that any given TA is able to go, unless it's written into their contract. You need to be reassured that they have thought through everything if you are going to trust them that he will cope.

OH staying with him nearby sounds a great idea if he can get time off work, or they might even be able to accommodate them at the venue, in a separate room that they can use for respite if DS is overwhelmed.

Tbh I wouldn't assume that what he's told you about a teacher saying he must go isn't accurate. It may well be that his TA has to stay behind if he does so is trying to make sure he goes... I've worked in education too and seen it happen!

He doesn't have to go but it would good for him if he did. My ASD Dd loves her residential and I wasn't sure if she would

Half my eldests year didn’t go on theirs for various reasons, they stayed going in to school doing a project all week.

He won’t be the only one

How about you or DH volunteer as a helper and go as well. You may have to pay but is it going to be much more than petrol? Or the cost of a hotel as a PP has suggested. That way he can sleep in a room with the others if he wants to or he can go in with you?

My son is in year 5 and has autism (no 1-1 at school). They had a 3 day/2 night residential in November, he didn’t want to go. The teacher and head mistress phoned me and also spoke to my son at school, still didn’t want to go. His whole year went apart from him, they put him in with year 6 while his year were away and he loved it. He enjoyed it more than some kids that were on the trip.
They’ll just put your child in with another year but I really wouldn’t send them if they don’t want to go x

I'm glad Residentials at primary level weren't a thing when I was a child. I'm NT, didn't have any additional needs and got along fine with other kids but I simply wouldn't have wanted to go. I've never been outdoorsy or sporty in the slightest and that's what these trips always seem to revolve around so that would've put me off. I also would not have wanted to be that far from home at that age. My own DD is only in Year 1 but when the time comes, if she doesn't want to go on a residential I won't force her and I wouldn't allow the school to misrepresent it as being compulsory either. If she wants to go then great, but if she doesn't it's not something I'm going to get worked up about.

You know your child best, OP.

Write to the school saying that due to your sons individual needs you do not feel he is ready to go on the residential. And also say you feal it was inappropriate to be told he has to go.

And also say you feal it was inappropriate to be told he has to go

Perhaps better to check what was actually said first...

From experience, I would say If he doesn’t want to go, don’t send him. Ds had his end of primary residential 2 years ago, he has autism (high functioning) and ADHD. He was very indecisive about going and I personally wasn’t keen at all. His teacher pushed me for him to go, calling me at work and then requesting a meeting with the head to convince me how important it would be for him....
I relented and he went, at pick up I didn’t recognise him, he was like a broken child, didn’t speak for two days, lots of crying and refusal to speak, not like him at all! Unpacking his bag was a strong smell of urine. Unfortunately the drop off coincided with the start of summer holidays so I couldn’t contact school either. Eventually it came out, that he was forced to do things I was assured he wouldn’t be, he’s terrified of water for example but was pushed into going on a boat where he cried infront of his whole class, but wasn’t allowed off. He had nightmares for weeks. He wet himself during an activity, only time since he was a toddler. He then hid the clothes in his bag. I still feel terrible for letting him go. Needless to say the trip the following year at high school, I didn’t allow.

We have mixed-age classes (ages 6-11) and go on residential every year. While we encourage the kids, we don't force them to go. If they choose not to come, they have to stay home during that time because they whole school go on residential at the same time and there's nobody left at school to look after any children.
Perhaps just ask what they'd prefer. In previous schools the child would have just stayed with another class as a special helper, while one school I worked at often had nearly half the year group stay behind so a teacher stayed with them and they did stuff during the day.

Copperleaves
Imagine if the school was saying he wasn't allowed to come
It would be discriminatory, but they're not....I don't see your point?

greathat
He doesn't have to go but it would good for him if he did

...in your opinion, and for your child, but I would imagine the op knows whether it would be good for her child or not.

OP - I would tell the school that he isn't going, and ask whether there are alternative arrangements for those who dont go or would they prefer you keep him off.