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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to feel a bit off about their relationship?

14 replies

Babewiththepower13 · 14/01/2020 17:21

New DP and I have been together for 6 months but have known each other and have been very very good friends for over 10 years.
The timing was never right for us before but I became single last year and things just fell into place. He's lovely, and everyone always comments how it's like a fairytale ending us being together.
DP works in an emergency service, and as such works with both males and females forming close knit relationships. No issue here, I also used to work within the same emergency service and know what its like. Thats how we met and for at least 4 years our relationship was purely platonic. We also have shared male and female friendship groups whom we socialise with separately and together.
Here is my issue. I'm aware that DP and a married coworker had a fling early last year. Poor judgement on both sides, and something he is very ashamed of. He was single, she was feeling neglected by her DH and going through a hard time, they worked closely together and caught feelings.
I dont think it lasted long but it messed his head up a bit from what I gather from another friend. He made me aware of it quite early on as he didnt want to have any secrets from me but obviously didnt go into great detail.
Anyway, he still works with this woman. No real issue I suppose, she wanted to work on her marriage and he says that there are no romantic feelings between them now.
When we first got together she was still heavily reliant on him as her shoulder to cry on. She has some MH issues and has confided a lot in him. She often text him several times a day, rang him lots, sent him snapchat messages etc. Its tapered off somewhat after she became aware of our relationship, but I know she still sends him snapchats as I've seen him read one and quickly close it off. I dont know if this was to avoid me seeing as it was something he didnt want me to see or if it was just because she has a tendency to send him very loud and annoying chats of her singing badly. It was also recently his birthday and she posted a load of pictures of them together for his birthday message, which seemed a bit excessive? I literally just wrote a quick post on his wall with no pics and all and hers was a proper gushing essay.
Hes very much the agony aunt type, always has been, and always has very level headed sound advice to offer. FWIW, hes 10-15 years older than a lot of his team and is always eye rolling and shaking his head at their shenanigans.
I'm not sure if I am being a jealous dickhead, or if there is something just not quite right between him and this woman.
Would you feel a little uncomfortable? Or AIBU?

OP posts:
PPopsicle · 14/01/2020 17:23

I would feel uncomfortable, however the fact he has been so open about everything, I wouldn’t mention it and would just deal with my feelings

positivepixie · 14/01/2020 17:29

Do you trust him? I guess this is the most important question.

hazell42 · 14/01/2020 17:31

He seems open to.me
Not much he can do, anyway, except quit his job, which is extreme
I think you just have to accept this

Babewiththepower13 · 14/01/2020 17:40

I think hes been so open with everything because we are such good friends anyway, and because he knows that I have been hurt in previous relationships and therefore wants to be as much of an open book as possible.
I've known 2 of his previous exes, and they both still speak highly of him. I know him really well and I know hes not a cheat so I trust him.
Just get a niggle and cant seem to shake it, but that might be my issue!

OP posts:
thethoughtfox · 14/01/2020 17:44

If she is married, the fact that he is now in a relationship probably makes no difference to her in terms of how she will behave towards him. She is still clearly ' on offer' and he hasn't shut it down.

Jaxhog · 14/01/2020 18:05

It depends. If he is completely open with you, then it's fine. But covering up messages or being secretive in ANY way, not fine. The issue isn't her, it is your BF. She can't make him have a relationship with her!

Babewiththepower13 · 14/01/2020 18:47

@jaxhog I appreciate what you're saying regards it being his responsibility and not hers. My ex was a cheat and I levelled all of my anger at the OW for a long time as she knew we were married. But he could have and should have shut her down when things started getting too friendly.
@thethoughtfox I also know what you mean. Shes already been unfaithful to her DH with him before so probably wouldn't give me a second thought if she wanted to rekindle something.
I'm going to have to keep my mouth shut and just swallow it for the time being. I'm sure of I mentioned it he would be totally understanding about it, but I dont want to be dick as they were very close friends

OP posts:
jillandhersprite · 14/01/2020 19:54

I would talk to him that you are ok with him being in contact with her, that you do trust him but that you sense she takes advantage of him. That he does not need to pretend there are no conversations between them as in this case you'd much prefer to know that she is contacting him rather than him feeling he needs to hide it.
I would also be wanting him to keep reminding her that it's kind of inappropriate for her to emotionally offload on him given their background - they are colleagues not best friends...

Jaxhog · 15/01/2020 09:06

@Babewiththepower13 I just don't understand why women blame the OW rather than their partner/husband. Men aren't poor little weak characters who can't resist an overture from another woman, for heaven's sake! They may use this as an excuse, but that's what it is - an excuse. And a poor one at that. They're the ones who've made a commitment to you, not the OW. They CHOSE to stray., so don't let them get away with it. Put the blame squarely where it belongs.

Highonpotandused · 15/01/2020 09:21

FWIW, hes 10-15 years older than a lot of his team and is always eye rolling and shaking his head at their shenanigans.

What about his own shenanigans sleeping with a married woman 10-15 years younger than him and who has mental health issues? He sounds exploitative and adulterous. Run.

Babewiththepower13 · 15/01/2020 10:39

He's 6 years older than her.
I mentioned the age gap with his team as he is seen as being older and wiser and is often the agony aunt of the group. Her MH issues aren't severe enough to make her vulnerable. She's an adult who made her own choice to cheat on her husband.
Just as Jaxhog has said above, it's the person in the relationships own responsibility for their fidelity, and not the OM/OW.
I have known this man for years and he is a genuinely lovely person. I started this thread as I felt uneasy about them still being in such close contact given their history and wondered if it was just me being a tad jealous or whether other people would feel it too. I don't feel the need to run from my relationship because of a mistake that he made prior us getting together.

OP posts:
Urkiddingright · 15/01/2020 10:42

It would also make me uncomfortable but since he’s been so open and honest about everything with you I wouldn’t worry about it too much. There isn’t much he can do anyway really unless he found a new job which seems like an extreme solution to a relatively small issue.

Highonpotandused · 15/01/2020 10:47

Just as Jaxhog has said above, it's the person in the relationships own responsibility for their fidelity, and not the OM/OW.

Ah well comfort yourself with that when he cheats on you with a younger woman in a few years.

If he’ll cheat with a married woman he will also cheat on his wife.

Babewiththepower13 · 15/01/2020 11:01

He was single though and I think it's entirely different when YOU are the one in a relationship as oppose to being the OM/OW. I may be wrong, but I trust that he isn't going to stray. My post wasn't about the cheating, it was about their continuing friendship.

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