To think that if you’ve really hurt & betrayed a person’s trust...

[EdinaMonsoon]

...sending them a birthday message after over a year of silence is not ok? That this is an act of assuaging your own guilt & shows no regard for the recipients feelings?

Background: Friend is an alcoholic & abuser of prescription drugs who successfully kept it hidden from me (& others) during our friendship. Did some terrible things whilst drinking including driving my children to a weekly activity whilst under the influence & claims surrounding rape/abuse which transpired to be false. When it all came out, despite everything, I tried to be there for her & support her journey into sobriety. However, her inability to stop lying, her constantly making jokes about how certain agencies clearly thought she was some kind of dangerous junkie/alcoholic followed by eye rolling - clearly indicating that she felt they were overreacting, and her lack of apology towards anyone who she had hurt, caused me to go NC. I couldn’t take it anymore. It’s been a little over a year since I last made contact.

Yesterday was my birthday & she sent me a breezy message as though none of this other stuff had happened. I have found this incredibly triggering & painful because I feel that yet again this is all about her & her needs. Not respecting the boundaries or truths of others.

I have no idea how I want to respond, if at all.

Bumping for afternoon traffic.

Ignore it. No good will come of it.

If she follows up just block her. She's not worth the energy.

Delete the message and block her number immediately. You're no contact, it's that simple.

It may be her way of opening up a line of conversation with you so she can apologise if she has had such a substantial amount of time to think about her actions/ get help.
Could that be a possibility?

@gamerchick @ImFreeToDoWhatIWant I think you're both right. I just feel so frustrated that it's just another example of totally selfish behaviour on her part and is typical of alcoholics.

@Scrump21 Yes, it may well be her way of opening conversation. However, I feel like to do so on a birthday is actually quite manipulative. If I don't respond, it perhaps makes me look petty. She can say "oh I tried. All I did was a nice thing" etc. I feel if someone genuinely wants to make amends, they do so on any random day of the year. Not the person's birthday. Not to someone to whom you behaved appallingly and have never apologised for.

It may be her way of opening up a line of conversation with you so she can apologise if she has had such a substantial amount of time to think about her actions/ get help.
Possibly, but it sounds like this person has been incredibly toxic and dangerous to OP (putting her kids at risk is unforgivable). I think OP needs to prioritise her own mental health and life over a bad friend.

OP, block, delete, take some time to breathe but do not dwell on this. You have moved on with your life and I'm sure are much happier without her in your life. Take solace in the fact that it might help her overall (realising how her actions are hurting people), she can't change the past and that damage she has done but it could help her limit damage to others in the future.

She may think she's done a nice thing. However, the fact that she chose to make contact on your birthday shows that she is still very much a selfish person, whether or not she's sober yet, but she's not yet able to think of /put other people's needs & feelings before her own. She did this for herself, not for you. Either as the first step in asking for your support, or in trying to re-establish a friendship. IMHO you'd be completely justified in blocking her. She's the one who screwed up, she doesn't get to call the shots.

@BohoBunney Thank you. I think you've articulated what I felt but couldn't quite put into the right words. Such has been my anger & frustration at her message, that I had contemplated giving her chapter & verse on why she is so wrong to try and contact me now. However, I know that it's extremely unlikely that I will receive the response I am looking for - not that any amount of apologising can make up for the danger she put my children in - and so I will end up even more frustrated. I also accept that some of my anger is towards myself for not seeing what was going on. I'm trying to keep that in check though because I wasn't the only one to be taken in by her lies & deceit.

I truly hope she has changed and is able to take responsibility now. I just don't want to risk getting hurt any further.

@AwdBovril my sentiments exactly. This was done to make herself feel better/a better person. Without any consideration of how it might impact on me. I'm glad to hear there is agreement on this. I was fearful that I was being petty. But this isn't just some school gate fall out. This was a seriously manipulative and toxic situation.

I dont think id reply to a message like this.

She may up her contact though, I sometimes feel like ignoring messages make people try harder to get in touch and message more than they ordinarily would do.

Just be prepared for more messages, and be strong enough to ignore them all

@Letsallscreamatthesistene I think you may be right. Blocking her is my best option. I've got nothing to say to her. Well, actually I have plenty to say but it's only going to cause me a great deal of upset and it's better to move on, I feel.