How to deal with a toxic sister?

[northernnamechange]

Hi, As some of you may remember I wrote a post last year named ‘to risk her harming my baby’ to briefly explain my sisters daughter/my niece (8) was having and vocalising intrusive thoughts about physically harming my son (now 20 months) The MN response was unanimous in that I should protect my son at all costs and subsequently deal with the fall out from my sister and mum (who back then agreed with my sister that my niece was of no danger to my son).
Many months have passed and I have not seen my sister and niece. Over the Christmas period my mum and I started to build bridges, she has admitted where she went wrong, explained how much she misses my son and we are back to what I would call normal which is great!
As normal I have been visiting my Mum and Dads house with my son whilst my husband is at work.
I am timing my visits around not bumping into my niece as I still feel she is danger to my son (my niece is at my parents most afternoons as my Mum does the school run).
My sister found out yesterday that me and my mum have smoothed things over and that I am now popping into my mums for the odd cuppa. To put it bluntly, all hell has broke loose.
She sent a joint message to me and my husband last night. My sister explained that she doesn’t want me and my son at my mums house, she doesn’t want to risk us bumping into niece who is there every afternoon. She has somehow painted herself as the victim in this situation and is now accusing myself and my husband of bullying my niece as we pointed out to her that wanting to smash our baby sons head through a glass table wasn’t normal. Honestly as I write this down it sounds even more ridiculous 🙈 My Sister will ‘never forgive us’ for painting her daughter in a negative light and for apparently teaching her that even family members can drop you at any second. She went on to say that my husband and I have created a divide in the family and that’s it’s our fault we are unable to all get together for birthdays etc. Her message went on and on and on bringing up silly mistakes I made in my teens (I had mental health problems well in to my 20s, I’m 33 now) to full blown lies. It was genuinely slanderous. I also think she was attempting to embarrass me in front of my husband. My husband and I didn’t rise to it and blocked her.

Me and my sister live very different lives, I am happily married, live in a happy and loving home and want for nothing (not bragging, just painting the picture). My sister hasn’t got a pot to piss in, spends her time smoking weed/parting whilst sleeping around and getting cheated on by her baby father (she’s 30 soon). Her life is dire (some of you may remember her daughters father spent time in prison). She does work now though so that’s something.
I’ve spent so many years feeling sorry for her whilst dealing with her toxic, jealous, unhinged behaviour. I don’t know how to deal with this? She’s utterly exhausting and I’ve had enough now.
Do I stop going to my Mums just to avoid all of this shit? Or is that giving her exactly what she wants? Should I restrict my relationship with my mum because my sister demands so just for an easy life?
Do I stop attending family gatherings because she will be there? It goes without saying that she is a very angry and aggressive person, I really don’t want to be around her.
I will be going NC with her (not unblocking her anytime soon) but will this as she says cause a family divide?
My Mum is truly in the middle but has explained to my sister that my son and I are as welcome at her home as she is.
Thank you for reading, that was longer than expected x

I feel so sorry for your niece - she clearly needs help, has been asking in her way for help. She has also now lost her relationship with you and your husband since she admitted to these thoughts that are disturbing her and which she doesn't want, and it sounds like you might have given her some stability which she obviously needs - alongside your mum. I really hope that you can tell all of this to the school and that some action can be taken as it seems that there is no one looking out for her, and she is a young child. I am sure it won't be easy but she needs adults to step in to protect her. So sorry for you to be in this situation. Sorry too that your mum is not being firm with your sister - why is that, and to what extent can you rely on/trust your mum?

Not sure how finding this whole post upsetting - not personally to me - just in the way you are handling thing, makes me insecure. But okay. Good luck to you.

I don't think the comments to @roseunicorn45 are fair, given she is similarly vulnerable and empathising with your niece. And she makes an important point, which is that having exposed herself, your niece has received no help but has been isolated from you and your husband, with whom she seems to have a significant attachment - I don't know what she has been told about this, but it can't be hard to link the two together and feel "demonised". She must already be aware that there are things wrong with her. You really do need to act to get her help.

Wow, you don't like hearing that you need to step up and help your niece, do you OP?

@roseunicorn45 that sounds so difficult. Please try not to be upset by OPs response.

Wow @northernnamechange, those comments to roseunicorn45 are really uncalled for and nasty. You owe her an apology

Sorry to those I replied too within that post who didn't get a chance to read it before it got removed.
Again thank you to those who are trying to help me deal with my toxic sister (as per the title of the thread)
I am trying my best to keep my baby son safe. He is my main priority in all of this and I am sorry if that offends people but it's the truth.

That's a non-apology if ever I heard one

@Throckmorton in which way are positively contributing to this thread? My son is in danger, I am trying to get my niece help and my family is at breaking point.

I'm glad you are now trying to get your niece help, as all your previous posts indicated you planned not to intervene. Your comment to roseunicorn was abhorrent and you owe her an apology. She is vulnerable and you kicked her when she was down. You appear so wrapped up in your own life that you are taking it out on innocent people who responded in good faith to your request on here for advice. The need to protect your son does not give you carte blanche to inflict grief and upset on other people.

I have stated in this thread and my original thread from November that I am doing everything I can to try and get my family to see that my niece needs help. I have tried to get my niece help but get stonewalled at every step. There is only so much I can do. I am not her mother, a part of me wishes I was so I could get her the help she so clearly needs.
In the meantime, yes I am wrapped up in my own life, I can't sleep think or focus on anything else right now as the situation has got so bad.
As I saiid, how do I know my niece won't act upon these thoughts? I don't! And it scares the living hell out of me. My job is to keep my son safe and if that came across as over protective then as I've said, I apologise.

OP, from what you have written it seems that your family are not going to get your niece the help she needs, so the options open to you would be, as past posters have suggested, to speak to the school, social services, or I imagine you could speak to NSPCC if you have concerns she is subject to abuse at home (eg witnessing violence?).

Earlier in this thread you said you were in two minds about getting her help - you said "I should do this and get my niece the help she deserves and also give my sister a kick up the ass as she will have to admit that there is a problem/change her scumbag ways" but you feel you should "stay out of it, it's none of my business and i will only make things worse for my own family (selfish I know). Time will show that my niece has issues and my sister will have to deal with that in the future." Getting your niece help shouldn't be linked in any way to proving to your sister that she is wrong. It must be incredibly scary for the girl to be experiencing these thoughts at her age, and then to lose any contact - including it seems from what you have written, supervised access with your son, or contact with you without your son - with any of your side of the family, who from your other thread
seem to have a close relationship with her - after opening up to you.

If your sister is as bad as you write, then it's all the more important that your niece gets help. I really hope you do something other than just speaking to your family - you don't really want her problems to get worse do you?

It's hard for strangers to judge from limited information on the internet, but I do believe that any and all adults with knowledge of a child with safeguarding needs like this has a responsibility to act and I'm just really hoping this child gets help - it sounds like you are on track to getting your own situation sorted, even if it feels tough at the moment, but this girl's life might just get progressively worse.

An update. I rang the school this morning hoping to explain my concerns.
Unfortunately (as some posters have explained on this thread and in private messages) they can not action anything of this nature. They wouldn't even take the students name (my nieces name) from me. They shot me down immediately which was difficult. Their safeguarding officer (a teacher that deals with these issues) was offsite but I was told to either speak with SS or the police. Neither of these can be done anonymously.
Speaking with my husband (and googling together) we have came across the NSPCC website and it is proving helpful.
Thank you to everyone that has genuinely tried to help, it means a lot.
Ps. I will continue to go to my parents house and deal with the consequences from my sister who at present 'wants to smash my face in' ... Her words exactly.
Thanks again everyone and I'll update again if I have any news.

OP that sounds really hard but it is so good that you are keeping trying. Hopefully NSPCC can give you good advice. Wishing you strength.

I don’t know how to deal with this?

You deal with it in exactly the same way you did before she sent her latest batshit missive. Ignore it, & keep visiting your mum. You're already timing it to ensure you don't bump into our niece, so just carry on doing what works for you & your mum.
Your sister has no right to tell your mum who is allowed to visit. Don't rise to it.

You mentioning it to school/ ss could be the last missing jigsaw puzzle bit they need. The more it’s reported, the better it is for you niece