Playdate worry

[Caramelchewness]

Feeling v worried dc who's in yr 4 never gets invited for playdates and when I invite children the invites always turned down! Has been going on for a while ever since dc had a rough time with another child in class (child was tormenting dc and their parent started hate campaign against us).

Last straw was when I asked 2 (supposed) mum friends to meet they blew me off with v obvious excuses. Confronted them both saying they were awful friends.

Feel so upset for dc and at a total loss! They always see friends going to eachothers for tea which is very upsetting and heart breaks when I see this.

Does he have friends to play with at school? If it's leeched into school and he doesn't I would definitely look at finding him a new school. A fresh start.

Dc is well liked at school and has many friends to play with.

This is only an issue of playdates. Feel as though dc is missing out a great deal and is obv v hurt when they see friends going to eachothers. Last thing I want is dc to feel totally left out. Breaks my heart to see as dc is always asking for playdates.

I would forget the play dates. If he is happy at school and has friends there then just leave it.

Maybe look into extra curricular activities and clubs outside of school so he has socialising outside of school and something to occupy his evenings and weekends with.

In a couple of years dcs start organising their own social lives so you don’t have to deal with their parents so much.

And I do understand how it is hurtful to see others doing lots of play dates but at this age it’s because the parents are friendly and are encouraging it. If the parents are not keen then it doesn’t often happen.

Thank you @orangeheadmummy

Defo will encourage friendships with children elsewhere.

Tbh I just feel like screaming at the top of my lungs that whatever that parent said about us in order to smear us is just not true. We are in fact a nice family. I dont have the energy though to go to each individual parent who has already made their mind up to try and clear the air. Really feel we’ve been completely alienated due to that parents hate campaign.

We have had the same issue with the parents of the dcs school friends, can be difficult sometimes and no one knows what is going on or what gossip or rumours may be going around for whatever reason.

So we are very neutral and positive about the dc’s school friends but we say that it’s important to have friends outside of school too.

That sucks that parents are so cruel. But is it you inviting these children or your DC wanting them to come over? As a child I was peopled-out, so to speak, after I came home from school and enjoyed not having friends around. Especially ages 8-12. And may he be socialising on Fortnite or another game?

Get your child into some non-school related after school activity if you can - a sport, even martial arts, chess club, swimming club, music, scouts/guides.

DC gets a self esteem boost through the activity, a clean slate on the social front, and can make friends and have them over.

What were the excuses from the mums OP? Sometimes as a parent you just don’t feel like dealing with a play date with anyone but can’t actually say that, other parents get judgy about it. If your son is well liked and has friends try not to worry about it too much. Mine at that age always had a lot of neighbours kids around all the time so I wasn’t too big on play dates after school.

8 is a great age to start extra-curriculars. Look for a couple of really good quality activities and throw your after-school energy into them.

My little boy is younger but hasn't been on a specific playdate yet. We meet up with people in the holidays occasionally at weekends he gets invited to some but not all parties would it be worth trying to arrange a day trip with other parents . Identify who your sons closest friends are and ask their parents ? I would look at out of school activities and local children and try and encourage friendships , do you have any friends with children who will come around to play ? I know you say you cant go around to every parent but what about trying to build a relationship with a couple of them? What actually happened with the parents that you thought gave you the brush off ? It seems like you have fallen out with them is that true ?

OP I really sympathise - I am very sociable myself but I find the reliance on other parents to make playdates happen quite stressful!

It seems such a pain in the arse that it all depends on the relations between parents.

So - my suggestion is - are you genuinely trying all the parents in the class? Could you help him expand his friend range?

Could you offer to take another child to the park?

I think honesty is sometimes good in these situations - can you say to other parents, (face to face ALWAYS better than wtsapp) - hey little johnny has been really asking to have X over - what would work for you? which days would be convenient for you if we 'borrow' X? What does he prefer would he like a playdate or to come to the park/ soft play?

I actually so get this - I feel it myself, that my son asks for playdates but because the other adults aren't keen/ are busy whatever it doesnt happen

To be honest I wish kids just 'played out' - it's all so reliant on adult invovlement - it was healthier when children charged about the street with neighbouring kids.

Definately agree about after school activities and meeting new friends that way. The nasty parent with the bully of a child who started the hate campaign is just a nasty idiot. If their child is that bad they will do it to others and the parent will have to smear their parents too... People get wise to it, they also forget about it all too, because even though it was a horrible time for you, it was just a great gossip for them.

I agree that if he's well liked then don't worry. Many parents work a lot and don't like playdates because they feel they have to reciprocate.

If you think parents may have some doubts about you because of this other parent, I wonder whether it would help to invite both parent and child (which of course may mean siblings need to come too). That gives them a chance to meet you properly, see your house, see how the children play together, realise that what the other parent said was unfair, and make their own judgement.

Otherwise, I agree about finding after-school activities so that he has something else to look forward to at the end of the day.

I'm sorry this is the case for your child. Are you there at pick up time? My son is in Y4 and has a nice group of friends now. Most days they will come out asking to go to each others houses in front of the parents. It's become a weekly thing now where they play around each others.

Please dont take my comment the wrong way but are you absolutely sure that your child is as friendly with these kids as you think? I say this because there is a boy in my sons class who whilst being cute and friendly, he does silly things and gets the other kids into trouble or hurt. The kids have ended up getting annoyed by it all and have pushed him away from the group and this poor boy has found himself no longer being invited to parties and not having play dates. I hope this isn't the case but I think its worth sitting down with your child and having a chat to try and get to the bottom of it