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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family bereavement - How can I help?

14 replies

Syrinx89 · 13/01/2020 19:06

First post and not really an AIBU but I would love some advice.

My beloved Aunt died this morning, early 60s, after a year-long battle with cancer. The death itself was very sudden and although she had the cancer, it is a huge shock to our small family, and are all beyond devastated. She leaves behind a pregnant daughter (my cousin) who is her only child. My cousin doesn't have a dad. I'm very close with her and I want to help her or be there for her in any way possible. After all, she will be going through the rest of her pregnancy and birth of her first child without her beloved mum (although her DH is amazing). I also know that she will probably want some time to herself to process it all. Any idea on how I should approach this in terms of timings and offering gestures of support/help?

OP posts:
MeetmeinParis · 13/01/2020 19:12

Sorry for your loss. Having lost my DMIL in similar circumstances recently, one of my friends to whim I've never been particularly close I might add, was the best support, all she really did was message every now and again telling me she was just checking in and letting me know she was there if we needed anything, she had said I could ring her doorbell any time for a glass of wine/cup of tea/cry but that there was no pressure and no need to reply. It was honestly so nice to know she was there but not feel pressured to reply. The amount of friends messaging to ask how I was, however well intended, was exhausting to keep up with, how do you even answer the question?. Your poor cousin, just be there for her if she needs you but don't go in too strong.

Fightingmycorner2019 · 13/01/2020 19:15

You sound lovely
It won’t be now she needs you , it’s going to be future birthdays , Xmas , after the baby comes etc . For
Life really
Take steps to be in touch and show her you care
You sound lovely

Fightingmycorner2019 · 13/01/2020 19:16

I said that twice Blush

Original poster
Syrinx89 · 13/01/2020 19:21

@MeetmeinParis Thank you and also so sorry for your loss. Flowers When I lost my dad a few years ago I had a friend like that - never asked leading questions but I knew she was there. She was always the first I turned to! I think a few months down the line, I will need to help cousin do some sorting, as my aunt had so much stuff (including her stuff and all the leftovers from my late grandparents' house). My main aim is for my cousin never to feel alone.

OP posts:
redexpat · 13/01/2020 19:24

On Griefcast they usually advise practical help. Is she the executor? There is a fuck load of admin when someone dies. Offer to help with that? Take meals. Do cleaning.

annualleavepurchase · 13/01/2020 19:29

My dad died last month and I didn't want time to myself. My brother and I spent the first couple of days afterwards at each other's houses with our respective kids. It was nice to have to company.
If you are close she may well want the company.

Original poster
Syrinx89 · 13/01/2020 19:29

@redexpat I'm sure she will be the executor as she is her only child and she wasn't married. Luckily, I know she had an amazing financial advisor, so that side of things should hopefully be a little easier with his help.

OP posts:
annualleavepurchase · 13/01/2020 19:30

I'd expect her husband will probably be at work tomorrow and she might be off by herself?
I'd text / phone her and ask if you can go round for a visit (assuming you're able to)

Original poster
Syrinx89 · 13/01/2020 19:32

@annualleavepurchase Sorry for your loss. Flowers at 40 minutes drive away I'm the closest relative to my cousin (her DM lived a 3 hour drive away, so in that respect things may be a little complicated). I think I will send a message telling her to let me know whenever I can be of help. It's so hard to know how to word it!

OP posts:
ssd · 13/01/2020 19:34

Great advice.

Just let her know you are there. Especially months down the line, when the world had moved on and everything is fine... Except underneath she's crumbled. Be there then.

Original poster
Syrinx89 · 13/01/2020 19:37

@Fightingmycorner2019 Thank you - I'm sure you're right.

OP posts:
Hotcuppatea · 13/01/2020 19:39

My advice is, don't ask, do. No matter how genuine you are in your offer, she may find it difficult to ask for help.

Go and visit her. Send her flowers. Order some shopping for her so she has some food in the house.

When my Dad died, it was the little things that meant a lot: the people who sent condolence cards, the people who talked about him, my work mates who sent a bouquet to the funeral, the friends that popped by to have a cup of tea and let me talk about what had happened. Those were the things that meant the world.

ParkheadParadise · 13/01/2020 19:46

Sorry for your loss Syrinx89
I was pregnant with Dd2, (7mths)when Dd1 died.
Pregnancy and grief are so hard to deal with at the same time. I really struggled after Dd2 was born.
The worst time is months down the line, when everyone else is back getting on with life and I was stuck.

Hotcuppatea · 13/01/2020 20:07

Flowers That's really tough Parkhead

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