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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you cope if you can't stand your in laws?

47 replies

Sparklyyear · 13/01/2020 16:59

How do you manage things if you don't like your in laws?

I won't bore you with all the details but essentially it's got to the point that I can barely stand to be in the same room anymore. I'm sure I'm not perfect myself, but my mil quite clearly has a drink problem and is a complete martyr, plays mind games and spends all her time gossiping about people. Fil is a rude, bossy, arrogant, sexist, racist overbearing tosspot and he can't stand it that dh is no longer at at his constant beck and call. They've also made some pretty questionable decisions whilst looking after our dc.

Dh just sticks his head in the sand and makes up excuses for them/point blank denies things that have happened in front of his eyes. We've rowed about it and he just says we won't see them anymore.

Cutting contact isn't really going to happen as they are dhs parents and the dcs grandparents regardless of my feelings.

Just don't know how to manage the situation any longer.

OP posts:

LizzieSiddal · 13/01/2020 19:05

I've suggested he visit them alone, he says they want to see us both and that they'll think something is wrong.

Well that’s not your problem! Tell DH you aren’t going any more, you’ve got to do X,Y and Z. Your Dh can’t make you go!

I cope because my dh feels exactly the same as me, so if we do see them we go in as a team, be bright and beeezy, tell them very little and call them out on any sexist/racist behaviour. But also I only go to visit about one in 4 times, I feel no obligation towards them at all and DH just says I’m busy.

For your own sanity you need to stick up for yourself.

RainbowCookie · 13/01/2020 19:19

Cut them off totally, I found them mildly annoying for years but 6 months ago they did something that has left me hugely angry and upset and I don’t think I can ever forgive them.
I didn’t see them that much anyway, mainly as they have never once invited us over in the 12 years we have been married, so its an easier transition. My DH goes to see them with the kids occasionally I just don’t go with, they are not welcome in my house, we never ask them to look after the kids, unlikely to bump into them. No one needs toxic people in their life.

Tink88 · 13/01/2020 19:41

You need to cut them out then. I didn't really mind my in laws but as we got married MIL became horrible then we had our baby and they did something totally unforgivable. I will never speak to them as long as I live

Hoppinggreen · 13/01/2020 19:43

I pretend mine don’t exist unless they are standing in front of me, in which case I am polite but no more (and usually take the dog for a walk)
I respond only to direct questions and any thing about visits etc I tell her to speak to DH. I don’t go to her house, I don’t care if she thinks anything is “wrong”

ChickenNugget86 · 13/01/2020 20:02

Oh gosh I don't want to say it but nightmare inlaws tend to get a million times worse once there is a baby.

I know I am dreadding it already. Up to now they have shown no interest in the baby and DH has been quite down about it. He thought they would be excited and happy for us. They don't have any grandchildren so thought they would be happy. When we told them the news MIL response was - I take it was an accident haha

I'm not going to let them stop seeing the baby but I won't be making any effort with them.

Bellendejour · 13/01/2020 21:29

Minimise the frequency of visits, don’t get locked into anything regular eg Sunday dinner. Spacing visits out randomly so there’s no set pattern of eg every week or every fortnight. Saying no, not all the time, but sometimes, when you need to, it isn’t convenient, you just know they are going to stress you out/annoy you. No childcare, in fact I really try not to ask them for help with anything; I don’t want their help, I don’t need it and I don’t want to feel beholden to them. When I do see them I’m nice; I reply to occasional texts with a nice response and sometimes a pic of DD. But I need to maintain distance for my sanity, to protect my relationship, and ultimately be able to get on with them at all. Understanding this actually - that I don’t need to feel guilty because I’m not doing what they want/expect - was so important in helping me ditch the considerable stress/anxiety I used to feel about all this.

Cherrysoup · 13/01/2020 21:43

What did you do when they came into your room? Christ, I’d have gone ballistic, especially if I were ill.

messolini9 · 13/01/2020 22:10

I've suggested he visit them alone, he says they want to see us both and that they'll think something is wrong.

Tough - there is.
Just tell him YOU are fine with him visiting alone occasionally. You don't need to make a giant statement like announcing NC - just go LC. DH doesn't get to instruct you to attend every time, purely to spare his own & Pils feelings at the expense of yours.

billy1966 · 13/01/2020 22:49

There is something wrong, you can't stand them.

He visits them.

End of.

SarahAndQuack · 13/01/2020 22:55

I think you really need to have this conversation with your partner, and often.

I didn't especially like my in-laws before we had a baby, but DP did a good 'head in the sand' job. Despite that, I did raise issues (and acknowledged issues with my parents, who are also not easy), and we talked about it. And we have kept talking about it. Without that, I think we'd be nowhere.

My MIL struck me as pretty awful before we had a baby - afterwards, my abiding memory is of her grabbing my very fragile, ill week-old baby from me and literally refusing to give her back as 'she's mine, not yours!'. Eventually I managed to plead with her and she gave the baby back, but I found it terrifying. We had many less dramatic repeats over the early months, as she'd grab the baby and insist on holding her despite screams and cries, and despite the fact she is not at all steady on her feet. After she'd dropped DD a few times my DP started realising there was a real problem.

These days we can have a conversation about both sets of parents, and it's not about casting blame, but it is about acknowledging the problems that we both identify and the worries we both have. If you're not a united team, you need to work to become one.

GabriellaMontez · 13/01/2020 23:03

Eventually I left him and not seeing them anymore is wonderful. But I do wish I'd cared less what they thought and not tried to keep the peace as much. They certainly didn't lose any sleep over my feelings.

blancheduboiss · 13/01/2020 23:03

Mine are awful. Manipulative, conceited, overbearing and rude. I remained calm for as long as possible until they did something inexcusable and a big row occurred. Now, I just don’t go and see them. DP is free to go whenever he wants, as clearly, they are still his family.

OneFootintheRave · 13/01/2020 23:04

@Bellendejour Understanding this actually - that I don’t need to feel guilty because I’m not doing what they want/expect - was so important in helping me ditch the considerable stress/anxiety I used to feel about all this.

This is good advice and I will remind myself of it.

Apirateslifeforme · 13/01/2020 23:38

I could've written your post myself!
I've spent years trying to make DH and his parents relationship better. They treat him horrifically and they're rude, insulting, passive aggressive and I reached my fill of it.
Then MIL made the mistake of calling me a liar to DH (DH knew the truth was what I'd said, lied and lied a bit more (all stuff DH knew was untrue) then turned and tried to turn a situation around into me being spoilt and then became victim.
Shes a bully until someone stands up to her, then you're just horrible, horrible and shes always been so mistreated (it's all a tactic and it doesn't work)

I've since said to DH, count me out. If you want to see them, you go. You want to eat with them, do it. Take DD to see them, invite them over whenever but it's not my relationship to facilitate and I want nothing to do with it.
Funnily enough, he isnt that bothered.

Their relationship is their relationship. It doesn't have anything to do with me.

Ishotmrburns · 13/01/2020 23:39

I moved to a different continent. HTH.

Davespecifico · 13/01/2020 23:42

I don’t think you should keep contact for the sake of the grandchildren. They’re not the sort of people your children should be around, from your description of hem.

tensmum1964 · 14/01/2020 00:42

Have been with my partner for 21 years and have probably spent time with the in laws no more than half a dozen times. The first time I met them I knew that we were never going to get on due to them being a pair of bigots. Second time had a major row with fil as he couldn't stand being challenged on his racism. After that told my partner that that they were not my family so I didn't have to spend time with them etc and that was that. Have been to a few weddings and birthday celebrations with them there and chatted briefly and nothing more. My partner sees them regularly as does my daughter but I choose not to. Fortunately my partner knows what they are like and supports my decision. It works well for us.

littleyikes · 14/01/2020 00:59

Are we SILs? (If so, you should have definitely warned me to run )

I'm just waiting for something to be said or done that means I can finally go NC without becoming the petulant DIL 'causing a rift' in the regular family gossip.

Chloemol · 14/01/2020 01:25

Don’t have anything to do with them. If they visit, go out for the day and leave dh with them. Let dh do the contacting, if they phone you ( and I would block their number anyway) just hand them over to dh, or if he is not there say that and ask them to call back when he is in

Don’t go and visit them. Dh can’t go on his own

LightDrizzle · 14/01/2020 01:32

Bookmark

Yesterday 19:05 LizzieSiddal

I've suggested he visit them alone, he says they want to see us both and that they'll think something is wrong.

Ah! There is a deeply unattractive term for your DH’s desire that you go along too, he is using you as his “meat shield” - your presence enables him to devolve the task of entertaining his parents on to you.
He barely says two words to his mother? Don’t go, let him plug the gaps, it’s not your job.

LuluJakey1 · 14/01/2020 01:33

My PIL moved 140 miles ( and brought MIL's DM with them) to live near us. I like them very much but was dreading it. On the whole they have been great and are wonderful with our 3 DC (all 5 or under). However, there are times it has just been too much and I have had a week or a fortnight off them. I just tell DH I need a break from them. I don't go round with him, if they are coming here and I know I leave him to it and go out, if they ring I either don't answer or am really polite but keep it short and non-commital. I have no idea what he tells them or if they even notice.

DdraigGoch · 14/01/2020 02:52

They've even walked in when I was in bed with a sickness bug.
Learn to projectile vomit on cue.

Failing that, a bolt for the door should be easy to fix.

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