To think there’s no way out of this mess?

[CompletelyUnhappyy]

I’ve posted before about this under a different name and mumsnet kindly deleted my threads as I was really scared about being outed.

I’ll give a more vague summary of my situation.

I suffered a very abusive childhood at the hands of my mum. This resulted in me growing up and absolutely hating myself. Having coped as best I could with all of that, I finally went off the rails in my teenage years. I slept with lots of people. I was treated really badly by some of them and I allowed that to happen. I put myself in the position to be treated like dirt which was all I really thought I deserved. I met someone during this time who changed everything. It took me a while to believe him but he truly cared about me and saw the good person that was somewhere hidden underneath.

We started a relationship. At this point I was binge drinking a massive amount at weekends and I’m ashamed to say I was unfaithful to him. I was 20 years old and in all honesty, I think I tried to sabotage things for myself because i didn’t believe I deserved happiness. After a few months together, I had really turned things around and with my boyfriend's help, tried to become a better person.

This all happened around 11 years ago and that boyfriend and I are now married with children.

In the last year, I started to hate myself again. I’m not sure where it stemmed from or what triggered it but I started to think about the person I used to be and that my whole relationship with DH is built on lies and that my kids deserve better than a mother like me. I just feel unclean and disgusting when I think about who I am.

Anyway, in October I had a friend round for drinks and although I didn’t a crazy amount, I did have memory loss the next day. She is not a very close friend and is also very gossipy and I am now absolutely petrified I could have told her about this. Her DH knows my DH and they have mutual friends. I can remember lots of the evening and I can remember saying goodbye to her but some of the night is patchy. I messaged her the following day and said that I had some memory loss and asked if I had said anything I shouldn’t have and she said “absolutely not” but I’m just worrying myself crazy with all the what ifs.

I absolutely despise myself. For a long time I liked who I had become but now these memories just run in a loop in my mind and I just feel like I have totally destroyed my future by sleeping around like I did. I mean, who does that? How do I move on from here? Is there a way I can learn to be someone who loves themselves and deserves the love of others?

There’s are absolutely none of us perfect.
We’ve all made mistakes (most of us enormous ones) and none of us would like to be reminded of drunken sexual shenanigans from our 20s (a time for experimentation and irresponsibility).
Your children love you because of the way you live them, they care for nothing else. Forgive yourself.
Give up alcohol. Hang out with people you trust, who will love you for all of your past mistakes and triumphs, but mainly, will keep your secrets.

Are you getting support with your mental health? That's really really what you need.

Using logic, I can tell you you haven't destroyed your future (now) by sleeping around (then). You are in your future already - and thats a future when you like what you've become, where you have a husband and children and friends who care about you.

You have done brilliantly to overcome a very difficult childhood. You deserve a medal for bravery.

I'd speak to your gp. You could have ptsd or similar. They can cause periods of memory loss. Your story is very similar to mines with your past behaviour and feeling shame. I do have cPTSD and the help has been life changing. You did what you needed to at the time to feel love. Dont ever feel ashamed for doing whatever you needed to to feel loved or wanted. You were a very young girl with little self esteem. That is okay. Everything you've done it okay. Be kind to yourself and look after yourself the way you needed to be looked after as a kid. The kid you still lives in you and shes hurting

Lots of people ‘sleep around’, you’re conditioned as a woman to think that it is a bad thing, as you’re told that men don’t want a woman who has had lots of sexual partners.
These people are in your past, they’ve not taken up permanent residence, the only reason you’re still upset about it is because you’re remembering how you felt after being treated like shit by some of them.

Just remember that you are (hopefully) in a loving and supportive relationship now, and your past encounters don’t define who you are now.
If you haven’t already, talk to a GP about getting some help with your MH, it feels like you have some unresolved issues.

I remember your last post. You sound traumatised by your mistake.

Did you get some counselling? You need to find a way of forgiving yourself.

If she hasn't mentioned it in the last 3 months it's safe to say that she's not going to. You probably didn't even tell her.

I said this on all of your prev threads - You have a past, and until you can accept that about yourself you'll never move on from it. I too have a past, DH knows a lot of it but not all - and he has no reason to. What's to hate yourself for? Your relationship is your relationship your DH knows you and loves you, the only person torturing you is yourself - you need help to deal with that.

You sound deeply traumatised. Have you ever had support for that?

Your question about sleeping around and who does that... Well, actually for some traumatised people that is how they cope. It can be a way of trying to feel in control again when you didn't in the past or a way of trying to "punish" yourself or escape the trauma... Or all of those combined...

The feeling "unclean and disgusting" sounds like trauma talking too. The fact that others have hurt you or you've behaved like the traumatised person you are does not mean you are a "bad person". Not even close.

I certainly don't judge you for anything you've described. I really think if you could access trauma therapy it might help you.

NAPAC, Women's Aid, The Freedom Programme, and Rape Crisis are all organisations that offer information, support and advice that might help with your healing. There will be others.

You can also phone or email Samaritans if it would help to be able to talk to someone who doesn't know you. You don't have to be suicidal to talk to them. [email protected] or 116 123

Thanks for the replies. I know my mental health is in pieces. I’m on AD’s and things were really improving but I seem to be going backwards now for some reason so I’m booked in to see my GP next week.

I haven’t managed to access affordable counselling yet but I’m trying as best I can to sort that as I know that’s what I need. Unfortunately, the NHS can’t help me as they only offer CBT and they don’t think that would be useful for me at this stage.

My biggest fear at the moment is my friend telling our mutual friends, or her husband knowing and telling his and DH’s mutual friends. Even if it doesn’t get back to DH, those people will still know what I’ve done and all this just makes DH look like a complete mug. He doesn’t deserve that 😢

@CompletelyUnhappyy can you ask her if you said anything you shouldn't have that night? Are you close enough to have that conversation?

Have you tried the CBT? If you've proved willing and it doesn't work, the GP can then refer you further. I know it's a long process but it might be worth jumping through the hoops.

You are in crisis and you are using stimulants like alcohol to medicate yourself.

There is absolutely nothing you can do to change the past but you can change the future but only by getting really serious about working hard with professionals to "settle" things from the past. Only then will the loop end because you will know and believe what people on this thread and I assume your husband have told you.

The things that were done to you are terrible but you have to decide if this is as good as it's going to be or wether you are going to take your life back and learn to cope and understand your history so it doesn't hang from your neck, you have to decide will I keep making these life ruining choices, am I willing to throw my family and my life away because I am in pain or am I going to take back control and work to take back my life. It will be hard and it can't make your past never have happened but it can put it in the correct context so it's not jumping out at you in the now.

Oh and just do you know. a classical response to childhood abuse is promiscuous behaviour, putting yourself in dangerous situations fuelled by self hatred and medicating using drugs or alcohol to dampen the hate and toxic view of yourself which inevitably leads to a lot of people later in life having built a lovely life and forming a family, retraumatising themselves because they haven't fixed the self hatred and now have "made choices" to prove they are as disgusting as they always thought they were and the life/family they built was built on lies so they don't deserve it. Which of course restarts the damaging behaviour again!

“ My biggest fear at the moment is my friend telling our mutual friends, or her husband knowing and telling his and DH’s mutual friends. Even if it doesn’t get back to DH, those people will still know what I’ve done and all this just makes DH look like a complete mug. He doesn’t deserve that ”

OP. That is not going to happen. You are catastrophising due to having a mental health crisis. You have done the right thing by arranging to see your GP.

I hope you’re right @StreetwiseHercules

@GiveHerHellFromUs asking her would be the ideal but I only see her once in a while and always as part of a group so I really won’t have the opportunity to broach it with her. That’s why I messaged her the day after saying something along the lines of “ I have memory loss, I hope I didn’t say anything I shouldn’t have?” To which she replied “absolutely not”.

You are in crisis and you are using stimulants like alcohol to medicate yourself.

I drink on a couple of occasions a year so I don’t really think alcohol is my biggest issue however, I know I need to avoid it until my mental health is in a better state. If I hadn’t drank that night, I wouldn’t now have this fear.

@CompletelyUnhappyy to me the fact that she was very clear on it would suggest she's telling you the truth and you really don't need to worry. Please don't let this ruin you. You've come so far from the person you used to be and you have a wonderful husband.

Honestly do the CBT. Let the GP know if it doesn't work and ask them to refer you for a MH assessment. This isn't just depression. It does sound like PTSD and the AD's won't fix that for you.

Hi OP

It's obviously something you feel awful about, if you have kept it secret for a long time I think its unlikely you will have told someone you don't seem that close to.

To be honest though if she did gossip it would reflect so much more badly on her than you. You have overcome a lot, a long time ago in the past, and that is actually something to be proud of.

Lots of people with no childhood issues cheat multiple times throughout their marriage and after the birth of their children. Those are the kinds of things people gossip about. Not 'unhappy was a bit wild in her early twenties before she settled down'. If someone told me that I'd be saying 'so what?'

I dont think any of this is going to help you though, I really hope you can access some sort of counselling.

My biggest fear at the moment is my friend telling our mutual friends, or her husband knowing and telling his and DH’s mutual friends. Even if it doesn’t get back to DH, those people will still know what I’ve done and all this just makes DH look like a complete mug. He doesn’t deserve that

He wouldn't look like a mug, sleeping around is really not a big deal these days, before meeting DH I was promiscuous to say the least - It stemmed from being unhappy with myself and ti was the one thing I could control, I picked and chose who to see again and who to not, DH knows vaguely but we have never discussed it in detail, my friends are aware and I know they'd never really talk to him about it either - it is what it is, it happened but am a different person to that one. I have told DH many times that if we met 5 years earlier he wouldn't have liked me. Does your DH know any of your history? You torture yourself with worry needlessly, you're in a new life now - the old one doesn't need to define you

Thanks for your reply @QforCucumber. I’m sorry you’ve been through some hard time’s too.

It’s because my promiscuity continues at the start of our relationship. DH knows I slept around but he doesn’t know that I ever cheated on him. That’s the bit I struggle to come to terms with. I feel as though I don’t deserve DH or my beautiful kids. None of them asked for any of this. I just want to be free from the past. I just want the past not to exist. How differently I would do things if I could have put an adult head on my younger self’s shoulders.

You'd not be the person you are today without it thought :) I was seeing 2 guys at one time when I met now DH, we weren't serious for a couple of months and how was I to know he'd be the one I'd marry and settle down with? Sure many have done the same too. Why don't they deserve you? 1 mistake does not define you, your children are a product of your amazing husband and the relationship you have with him.

Thanks for the reassurance @QforCucumber.

I just want to apologise for posting about all this again. You have all been so kind and supportive in the past and I don’t mean to keep going on about my problems. I just feel so alone with these things in real life and mumsnet is the only place I feel I can turn to.

Your support has honestly held me together the past few months, at times when I really didn’t think I could get through the next 5 minutes let alone the day, you’ve pulled me through and I’ll be forever grateful for that. I just want to get out the other side of this and be happy. I really hope that will happen one day.