Aibu adding surname on

[Sodone2018]

Ds is 12, me and his dad split up when he was 15 months old. I met my now DH when he was 2 and a half, we have been married 7 years. We have 2 more DC together.

DS is very close to DH. They do hobbies together, he goes to his school plays/parents evenings (at DS request) they have a great bond. DS’s dad see’s him every other weekend, a few extra days in the holidays. Other than that time he isn’t involved in any aspect of his life. Never been parents evening, to a hobby game etc.

Now a few times in the last 2 years DS has got upset that he feels like the odd one out in the family. That we all have the same surname and he doesn’t. He has started calling DH dad most of the time too. I have spoken to him about it and he said that if DH didn’t want him to call him that then he would stop but that DH is his dad too.
I think it was very sweet that he said that.
I also think it’s so he doesn’t feel different at his hobby matches it’s mainly the children’s dads there. He would be calling DH by his first name and everyone else calling dad. The same as at school, especially now he is in senior school. He has gone there just saying mum and dad about me and DH. I’m not sure if I should be correcting him and saying he has to call DH by his name or if it’s ok to leave as he decided to do it himself And he is old enough to make that decision ? (DH is ecstatic that he calls him it)

But I real AIBU is that DS has said it’s mainly the surnames that make him feel left out. Us 4 have the same and he doesn’t. We have spoken about it about 18 months ago and I had said to him that we could look at double barrelling his surname in the future if he felt it was something he had wanted to do. He said he would love that and wanted to do it then. He spoke about it for 3 months so we asked ex. He said yes as long as the double barrel would be a certain way. DS was over the moon. Was even practicing writing it. Contacted his dad 2 weeks later so we could sort paperwork and he said he has changed his mind and wouldn’t allow it. DS was very upset.
Fast forward now and DS has continued to ask. Is there a way we can do it without his dad? Can we just send the paperwork? Etc
I have told DS it isn’t possible and maybe If he speaks to his dad and explains his feelings then his dad may understand and if not then he can change it when he is old enough himself if he wanted.
DS is always scared of upsetting his dad. There is a certain level of mind control. Like on my last post about the Xbox.

I think ex sees it as giving him my DH name rather than our family name and that is why he is saying no. DS cried about it again Saturday evening. I don’t know if to try and talk to ex again or just leave it? I hate the thought that DS feels like ‘the odd one out’

Unfortunately it is giving him your husbands name. He can change his name by deed poll when he gets to 18.

As your ex is involved in his life I can see why he's decided he's not comfortable with it. Must be hurtful to see your own child saying he wants the surname of his stepfather honestly.

My friend and her sister were in a similar situation, they had to wait until 18. Friend decided she didn't want to make the effort and kept her DF name until she got married. Her sister changed it but decided on her mother's maiden name rather than her stepfather's surname so as not to completely piss off her DF.

Seems like the bigger picture is your DS struggling with balancing his relationship with your DH vs your ex. Because the issue of calling him dad or first name is not about surnames at all is it.

Are you in the UK? If so, we actually have very relaxed naming laws here compared to a lot of countries. You don't technically need to even do a deed poll to "go by" a name other than the one on your BC. If you can prove use of a name (bills etc), you can even get things like driving licences and bank accounts in that name without changing it via deed poll.

So really your son could simply start using the double-barelled surname at school, at his hobbies etc. You could contact the school and let them know the name he is going by, and they should accept it

Your son can then do a deed poll when he is 16 if he wants more formal proof of the name change. Deed polls can be done for free if you're willing to print out the declaration yourself (look it up online for more details).

Your only potential issue would be his father's reaction, which would definitely be something to consider before going ahead. As for your son calling his stepdad dad, considering his stepdad appears to have brought him up since he was a toddler, I don't see the issue, but I would probably talk to your son about continuing to call his father dad, and not referring to his stepdad as dad in front of his father.

Your son can start using a double barrelled name at school even if it’s not his legal name.

OP don't change your son's name without his dad's agreement as his dad can go to Court, get it stopped and ensure school, doctors etc know. He then put in for other family law proceedings as your relationship is now not amicable.

Also if your son starts using the name unofficially then it can screw up his GCSE and A level certificates.

Tell your son once he's 16 he can change his name and he just needs to wait.

Times have moved on since my friends' in aged 30+ could just change their names due to their dad's disappearing.

Had pretty much the same situation with DD1. She felt left out about having a different surname to the rest of us but her biological father wouldn’t allow us to change her name legally. So at school she just double barrelled it herself. No problem. Obviously not a legal thing but it mattered to her and she was happy 😃

He can tag it on for unofficial documents but from the sound of it it won't go down well with your XH as he's still around. It's a tricky one tbh.

My dc's have not seen their dad for a decade but I'm still not allowed to officially double barrel their names and add mine. School have added my name but it's still their dads name on their passport and gp records.

Thank you.

My ds doesn’t call DH dad in front of ex. He knows who his dad is, and he knows DH is his stepdad. He wouldn’t want to upset his dad, he is also very wary of what he says to him because ex has blackmailed him in the past. I.e, DS didn’t want to leave his birthday party early, his dad was meant to pick him up at 2 and turned up at 1.20. He said if he didn’t leave he wouldn’t get any presents off him. Things like this have happened a few times. And I think DS worries that his dad won’t see him anymore.

It is DH’s name yes, but the reason DS wants to add it to his own name is so he has the same name as us all, not just DH. He will have the same name as his mum and his siblings. He was at school with one of his siblings and I think he got asked by a couple of other children why they had different surnames and he said he felt embarrassed answering.

I wouldn’t go behind ex’s back in changing his name at school etc he is DS’s father and I respect that. I have spoken to DS several times about calling DH by his name or dad and he has decided on his own that that’s what he wants to do. I didn’t want him to think it’s what he should be doing but I don’t think I could say to him You cant do that if that’s the way he feels. Do I stop him? I mean he has been doing it for a couple of years now. And will say ‘my mum and dad...’ to people, talking about me and DH do I correct him so people know?

Thank you, I think I will talk to him and say he can change it at school if that makes him happy, which I think it will.
But I am still worried that ex will take it as a dig and I really don’t want anymore bad blood between us. He doesn’t have any doings with ds school though so probably wouldn’t even know

Just be careful with exams etc and make sure school know you have not changed it officially so his “proper” name should remain on GCSE paperwork etc when the time comes