Should I go to the funeral? Helping me move on

[lookingatthepast]

Very long story but will try and keep it brief by using bullet points as it will be an essay otherwise.

I am a single mum to 4dcs and in my early 30s. Brought up not knowing the identity of my father (I had a thread about this many many years ago on here which I will try and link to )

Mum would never reveal DF identity

Turned out it was one of 3 (later to become 4 ) potential men

All of these men were married but knew of my existence as far as I knew at the time.

3 of them I had met on and off over the years (as mums friends)

Two of them I was named after (female version of their first name- two of them had the same Christian name to complicate issues

I was given the surname at birth of another on my birth certificate

There was no father named on the birth certificate

I spent the years aged between 17 and 31 between being depressed , having my own children and being in an abusive relationship trying to search for these various people and find them and uncover the identity of my father. I vividly remember my husband beating me and reining blows on my head telling me my mum was a slag and my dad never wanted me. To say it's left scars is an understatement

Eventually I found all of them and found out who my dad was via dna tests . My mum didn't assist with any of this and it was me who eventually broke the news of who my father was. I don't think she had a clue to be truthful! Strained relationship with us but out of me and my 3 brothers (they all have the same dad from her first marriage who is different to mine ) I am the only one who has contact with her. She's my mum. She made a lot of mistakes but I know human emotions are complex and she really wanted a baby and went to crazy lengths to have one. I veer between anger at what she's deprived me of and sadness at her now being alone and in poor health nearing 70 and what a shit lonely life she's had.

It's cast a long shadow over my life. My brothers say I need to let it go and look forward and stop looking back but when your whole life has been a lie and your entire identity is mixed up between lots of people who basically thought you might have been theirs but did nothing to find out and fucked off and abandoned you well it hurts and I can't heal and get over it no matter how much counselling I have or medication I take

Anyway....
when I found my father it transpired he was sadly dead. I had never met him and as far as I can ascertain he never knew I existed. He died when I was a teenager and he was buried less than a mile from my school and home at the time and they buried him 8 days before my 16th birthday. The fact he laid so close haunts me to be honest. I only found out his identity 15 months ago. He has 3 children who have welcomed me and we are building a relationship and I do comfort myself with the fact there is nothing I could have done to find him any sooner than I did.

Onto now and my reason for posting. One of the men I found in 2012 I remember from being a little girl. One of my strongest Christmas childhood memories is him taking me and my mum in his car to London to drive around with the roof open and see the Christmas lights and Phil Collins song one more night playing on the radio. I found him and did dna with him in 2012 and he wasn't my dad. He is the man I was named after (first name and surname) he had no clue my mum had given me his surname at birth. He then in 2013 moved from London to Scotland and we stayed in contact via Facebook. He knew my older brother and had actually employed him in his first job as an apprentice around the time I was born.

Last summer he became ill (he was mid 70s) and we exchanged a few messages via Facebook which I still have where he said he was happy to have been in contact , he was now ill and would fight it but he'd had a good life and I shouldn't be sad. To be a good girl and keep smiling. And he was happy he now had some photos of me from Facebook and could watch my progress as a woman as my mum would never let him have any of me when I was little and he was sorry he wasn't 'that man' ie my father but he was happy I had now found my dads family.

2 weeks ago he died. And I felt like someone had taken my childhood from me the moment I saw the message posted online that he had lost his fight with cancer. I was in a motorway services travelling somewhere with my children eating lunch and scrolling as you do when it came up on my newsfeed. First of all I was literally speechless then I couldn't stop shaking and finally I went to a toilet cubical kneeled on the floor and literally howled .

The funeral is on Friday . This is it . I am only going to get one chance to say the last goodbye. It's opened so many emotions. I wasn't there to grieve and bury my dad all those years ago. I am crying for the past and what's been taken away. I feel like a little piece of my childhood has died. I know he wasn't my dad. I know that. But for a long time I thought he could have been. And he will always be a part of me. I was named after him .

His wife and two daughters have (to my knowledge) no clue as to this back story . They know me as a friend of the family and the sister of X person who worked for him so there's no strange vibes from them as to why this random woman wants to attend. Also if he didn't delete his Facebook messages then someone may he read this exchange between us as someone has access to the account to have posted the news of his death and you can see now and then someone active on the profile. So I have no idea who's read what or knows what and nothing has been said to me in email exchanges regarding the funeral and wake afterwards. From their perspective I am most welcome to attend and meet them.

Should I go ?
If I go I will be going alone. My mum won't come and isn't up to the journey anyway. My kids are too young. I am divorced so no partner to come. My brother says it's too far. It will literally be me boarding the flight from London to Glasgow alone and back again. I will be travelling there on an early morning flight and returning home on a late evening one the same day. I walked all the other avenues in this complex story alone. Travelling to find people , doing tests , opening the results of them all. Visiting my dads grave
All of it alone. And it's such a heavy burden to carry and look back on. I literally feel drowning at the moment .

Please handhold and talk to me
Thanks if you have got this far x

Go. You won’t have a second chance to say goodbye. Just book the flight and go.

@Allfednonedead to be honest I half expected her to be like this but thought she would keep her opinions to herself and go along with it. This really is the final straw. I will still maintain contact but I don't want her anywhere near me. She was meant to be at my house Friday afternoon anyway over to Saturday as I am taking two of my children out for the afternoon to a football match and I need childcare for the younger two.

My ex was abusive and only sees the children for a few hours once a week and won't do anything to help me out in any way shape or form. There's no one I can ask as i will be out of the house for around 20 hours all told. Taking them isn't an option due to distance and cost

I will send flowers and ask if they would be so kind as to send a copy of the order of service which I can keep. There (to my knowledge) are no photos of the two of us together. I suppose it doesn't matter. As my mum said I have my new Family now (yeah no fucking thanks to her) and have 'sorted it all out' plus I wouldn't be wanted there. Those were her words.

This thread will probably now turn into my feelings over her and the damage she's caused. Something which I have only scratched the surface of and not examined in any great detail so far.

She either genuinely has no comprehension of what her actions over the years have done or she wants to brush it under the carpet. All she ever said to me was (after I found my dad and mentioned what her behaviour had done ) she said well I am sorry if it makes you feel better. That was it.

Tonight I hate her and our relationship won't be the same now as I really fucking resent her for this

Sorry ranting and should probably step away from this thread now as the dilemma I posted about has been solved . Thanks all x

Feel free to rant away, OP. Please promise yourself you'll do something for yourself to mark his existence and passing and role in your life.

Your DM doesn't sound normal.

@Apileofballyhoo you sound very kind and supportive Thankyou .
Last night I sat in bed and wrote a letter to him (obviously one I won't post ) and by the end the tears were pouring from me. I am going to send flowers and ask if they can send me an order of service.

On the day itself I really don't know. Maybe I could look for a nice patio rose (I live in rented and we are fast outgrowing this house so I could take it with me if we move ) maybe some cut flowers for indoors some lilies which I always associate with funerals. I don't really know.

The letter was a fantastic idea. Well done. I know you're part grieving for him, and part grieving for you, and part grieving for what never was. It's all valid.

There are lots of things you could do, it might be a while before you find the thing that feels right for you. It might be a reading or a poem that you could frame.

Is the funeral a burial or a cremation? You might be able to visit the grave at some stage. If it's like an Irish funeral your flowers will be put on the grave after it's filled in.

If you like you could post here when the funeral is on and I'll sit with you, just remind me of the times. Get the lilies and a candle. I don't know if you believe in anything after death but I do, and in any case it's no harm to ask the universe to be kind to those that are grieving and send good thoughts. So I'm sending you a few now.

Is the funeral a burial or a cremation?

*@lookingatthepast
I've mostly been to burials which always had plenty of wreaths ,but the cremations I've been to didn't have flowers.

It’s a crematorium. They are allowing flowers. I have been to crems before and they usually have an area to the side outside where the flowers are all laid along with the cards and the family and mourners can go and look at and view them once they exit the chapel after the service x

And yes I am grieving him , what never was , what could have been. I never knew my actual dad and never had his funeral to go to or to grieve properly . I go to his grave on father’s day his birthday and Christmas and lay flowers or take a wreath at Christmas for the grave. I have never spoken at the grave I am there in silence and I only cried there once which was the first time I went. So I am massively projecting all of that onto this man and this situation I am aware of that. X

They're your feelings, looking and they are just as valid as anybody else's. I'm sure he would have been happy, and humbled too, to know that his kindness meant such a lot to you. From what he said, it sounds like he did a bit of grieving about what could have been too.

I have a friend whose DF died when she was tiny and she was too young to have any memories of him. Unfortunately her DM had problems too so her childhood wasn't easy. I know she misses her Dad although she didn't know him at all. The loss is still a loss and it leaves a hole.

Well today is the day. I feel so sad.
Spoke to my counsellor at yesterday's session and I read her the last exchange of messages between me and him when he was diagnosed over the summer. I was crying reading them and I looked up and she was actually moved to tears too.

I feel so so sad that he's gone and I can't be there today to say goodbye. I have ordered some flowers to go with the hearse (family request flowers go via the undertaker)

On the card I have had written
The message I would like is as follows

(His name)
This is sent with the heaviest of hearts and immense sadness. My memories will never die and therefore nor will you.

Goodnight and God Bless

(My name) xxx

And that's it. I feel so heavy inside. I thank the people who have replied and anyone who sits with me here on this thread today. I have no one in real life who cares about me enough or understands how I feel who will be there for me today. I haven't heard a word from my mother since Monday when I called her .

I feel so sad and so unhappy . It feels like my childhood has died and gone with him and it really hurts

Take care of yourself @lookingatthepast

Wow OP, you're going through so much. Just wanted to send some support because you sound incredibly strong but it must feel so dreadful at the moment.

I wonder if you need to tell your Mum that referring to the man that you were named after and whom she lead you to believe might be your father as 'nothing to you' and 'none of you business' is entirely hurtful and very insensitive.

You should go . Even if it's to just close that chapter of your life . No one needs to k ie the reason vit for your own peace of mind you should go x

Sorry @lookingatthepast I didn't read the whole thread ... I hope your ok .your in a difficult place. I understand x

@looking, I'm so sorry for your loss, I cannot begin to imagine how you are feeling.
I have read the full thread and you have dealt with so much.
Here for a handhold tonight if you need it x

looking I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through and are going through.

I strangely feel numb and nothing at the moment

This photo has come through from the florist of what I have had made for him

I’m so sorry, love. I hope you can still mark the day and remember your dad how you needed to. Your mum sounds awful and honestly in your shoes I’d be distancing myself.

The flowers are lovely 💐

@lookingatthepast you are so articulate and self aware and you have been through so much. I'm sorry your mum isn't what we would all want our mums to be. And sorry that you can't be at the funeral, although as you clearly know yourself it was a difficult decision, I'm sorry you didnt get to make that decision yourself.

Your message is heartfelt and moving.

He sounds like a truly lovely man. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through throughout your life and what you’re going through now. Remember him with happiness. Flowers for you 💐

Yes he was lovely to a point. It cannot be ignored that he was a married man having an affair with my mother and when a child appeared none of the adults involved did much to discover who had fathered it. It appears everyone was happy to take her word for it . Him and her eventually over time lost contact and he stayed with his wife and then moved from London up to Scotland when he retired. He wanted to be around and see me and have the photo of me etc but obviously kept under wraps from the family. It's complex and I don't blame him for not wanting to throw a hand grenade into the family but these facts can't be ignored.

However yes he left me with this one particular strong memory I have and when I contacted him he was good enough to undertake meeting me and being tested and I know he was happy to follow what I was upto and my pictures and progress on Facebook and from the exchange of messages with him he was happy that finally he could do so even if he wasn't my dad. He said he wished he was the man! I start a new career in 3 weeks and I am strangely happy that he was able to see me achieve something (after a lot of the shit I went through marriage break up domestic violence , a divorce, my ex husband was under a non mol which I went to court alone and sought as he was threatening to kill me at one point ) I almost had to give up the career I so happily dreamed of (I have had lots of threads on here over the years under changed names - I could seriously write a book about my life) that does comfort me that he knew about it and had said well done to me.

A chapter on my old life has come to an end just as a new one is about to start. That's exactly how it feels but it's hit me like an express train

It's a lovely thing to know that somebody wished to be your father even if he wasn't the man. You must be a pretty special person.

Hope you are ok OP