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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think I don't want to have a lot of contact with my mother?

6 replies

Miajk · 12/01/2020 15:53

This is something I have been thinking about a lot and would like to know other's thoughts on this. Sorry if it's all over the place.

I moved out when I was 18 and have been living abroad since (24 now). My parents got divorced when I was a teenager, I struggled with mental health a lot (self-harming and eating disorders). I would sometimes skip school due to these issues, and when my parents found out they said something along the lines of "this isn't going to get you out of school, end of" and then it was all forgotten.

When I went home to visit for the first time after moving away, I gained some weight (10 lbs or so) and my mother said "you gained some weight, didn't you?". Then she would also proceed asking about what I eat and saying food in the UK is junk food and all unhealthy.

I find her incredibly annoying, and it makes me feel really guilty. She's always talking about herself, doesn't ever seem to stop and I dread having to go visit but I do, once a year, to keep the peace. I really don't want her visiting me, she did once and met my DP and it was all just too much. She is just too much for me. I try my best but I think it's visible that I get irritated and I feel like a horrible person.

My mother also seems to love saying "helpful" things that are just little needles. When I cut my hair in a pixie cut she said "what a shame your long hair was so nice". When my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me and I was crying she said "you'll be fine" and then just left me to it.

I'm not really bothered about keeping in touch with her or my dad, a couple of texts a few times a month is enough. I feel like any chance of us being close or having a good relationship is gone and I'm ok with that. Would rather spend time with my DP's family. Am I a horrible daughter?

OP posts:
FreedomfromPE · 12/01/2020 16:03

No. Youre not an awful daughter. They are lousy people. If you do cut them out you don't have to actually listen to or respond to their nastiness about that. Is one thought.

Can I asked if you've tried, and I know it's hard, pushing back. When comments like the hair are made saying "that was a mean thing to say" or Have you nothing positive to say?"
Are you building up to a visit now? Can you delay it? Or take a friend or DP that would and is briefed to completely big you up?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 12/01/2020 16:08

Don’t feel guilty. It’s self preservation.

Miajk · 12/01/2020 16:20

Thank you for your replies. I've never pushed back which I probably should have, but when she says things like that (over text) I just don't reply. And then just don't reply for weeks until she messages again with her usual "are you okay?".

I guess it's just difficult as I'm worried the way I remember my teenage years is blurred and I might have been a horrible child to deal with, they might have been not the best parents. But I just don't know if it's justified for me to want that little to do with them and if I'm just overreacting.

I feel like they're not bad people and it must be hurtful for them to know I don't care about keeping in touch. They raised me, there's good memories too, I just feel like they're not bad enough to go NC but too bad to deal at the same time.

It feels like a chore, but one day when they're gone I'm worried the guilt will eat me alive. Hopefully that makes sense!

OP posts:
Miajk · 12/01/2020 16:21

Btw not visiting soon but have visited recently which is why I've been thinking about it lately.

OP posts:
Miajk · 12/01/2020 17:11

Bump

OP posts:
ravensoaponarope · 12/01/2020 18:07

You're not horrible, and neither is your mother. It might be useful to explore your feelings of guilt with a therapist?

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