To be angry at DH

[Pumba3]

My marriage has been slowly eroded over the years and I’ve finally come to the realisation that it’s either leave for good or try to address the issues in our marriage head on! I’ve spoken to hubby who has been less than co-operative over marriage counselling (sulking, suggesting I go as it’s obviously me he’s quite happy, to being just down right mean). He says if I go forward with a divorce it will be devastating for the family (especially the kids) and that the responsibility will be placed at my door. Am I being unreasonable in making him participate in counselling or should I just leave him to it?

Sounds like hes dishing out emotional blackmail to get his own way..not a nice quality..simple, if he wants marriage to work he will try anything, even if its begrudgingly..

YABU staying married to an asshole.

Well you can't force him to attend counselling, and even if you could you can't guarantee his cooperation or that he'll listen.

His reaction to you trying to fix things says it all ...he's not willing to out the work in and if you take action then everything it's your fault. I expect this is a common thing in your marriage.

It's over , and it has probably been for a while.

I think he's right. Go for yourself to get clarity in what you want and need

Counselling will not magically make him see the light and change. He doesn't want to change.

Thank you for replying. I’m so confused, he says that his “being nice to me” and He will just “acquiesce” from here on in. He sees everything as a fight for power whereby I want a partnership. It’s exhausting x

He's not being nice to you, he's being a right passive aggressive, emotionally manipulative and blackmailing little bastard.

If you got him to go to the counselling sessions, he would attend and then sabotage them. He doesn't give a crap about you, just about maintaining his position of dominance, and the status quo that works for him, and he really doesn't care that it doesn't work for you.

Is my opinion.

suggesting I go as it’s obviously me he’s quite happy

So he's actually articulating that he doesn't care whether you are happy or not?

I initially clicked YANBU to insist on marriage counseling, but it may be too little too late.

There's no point in going to marriage counselling with him if he doesn't want to change anything.

You don’t have much to work with here.
If you see a counselor, do it for yourself and your children.

He shouldn’t be happy that you are so unhappy. If your unhappiness means nothing to him the marriage is dead anyway

Get him to the counselling - it'll be excellent practise for mediation when you divorce

He's obviously manipulating you. He's taking no responsibility for making the marriage work (by the sounds of it he's actively eroding it by being nasty) then blaming you for it's demise.

He sees everything as a fight for power

That's the issue isn't it? In order for him to win, someone has to lose, and that someone will always be you. Any compromise or stepping back will be calculated,tactical and designed for him to have the upper hand in a different situation.

You signed up for marriage not tactical warfare. It's done,get out.

How do you deal with such a person, should I just pack the kids up and go (I know he won’t leave as he sees this as my issue), or do I issue divorce proceedings whilst still living under the same roof?

List what your issues are.

If you believe some belong to him and he doesn't want to work to fix them then he is responsible for the break down of the marriage.
He is a grown man after all

Seek legal advice first and don't do anything rash. Get copies of bank accounts,paperwork etc. Check what you'd be entitled to in a divorce.

Check whether renting/moving with family is affordable/beneficial.

Start making a plan and find out as much as you can. Once you have it follow the path that would be least disruptive with the most benefits.

Who would be seen as primary carer? You may have to sell up and live together while that happens, but you’ll find that hard if he doesn’t agree to sell. You need proper advice from a solicitor. Are you both on the mortgage?

My former best friend was like this. She treated me badly at one stage and I asked her to apologise at which stage she said if I felt something was wrong it was me not her. I walked away from the friendship at that point as you can never win with someone like that. I hope you manage to separate soon.

A lot of people at first go to see a marriage counsellor on their own to talk through the dynamics and what is happening etc. and reflect on ways to find a oath forward. I’d suggest you sign up four a couple of sessions on your own and see if it’s helpful.

(I do know a couple of people who found marriage counselling awful because the counsellor just let it turn into an argument - so much depends on if they’re any good or bit)

Beware a bit of the mumsnet bias which always tells you to end the relationship.

I think we would have to sell and I’m worried how the whole thing will affect the kids. Everything will change for them, home, school, lifestyle the whole lot. How do I provide them with any consistency during such a disruptive time? I’m guessing this is what he is counting on, my fear on how it will impact the kids, when he says he wouldn’t agree to a divorce. X