AIBU? DH work.

[Lucyloula]

Sorry for long backstory-
DH works late A LOT. When he works late he won’t get home till 11/12pm.
He also works weekends.
He does this about 8-12 x a month.
He does not get paid overtime for these hours and he does not get to ‘make them back’ so to speak.
Since loosing staff he has started to do more shifts and where there used to be flexibility to go in late or take occasional days off there no longer is.
He is a great dad and often takes the DC to school before he leaves for work he also does alternative morning shifts with me when the baby is up early and when he isn’t working late he gets home at about 8pm to tuck them all in.
He takes 20-22 days holiday a year tops.

I think he feels this company is his responsibility and he feels responsible for his staff.
He is fiercely loyal which Is a quality I love.
Im not sure if I’m fed up of being on my own all the time or starting to get used to being on my own and resentful when he is around. ?
I feel like my marriage is suffering.

I’ve approached the idea of getting a new job but I basically get told
‘it’s a job. I’m lucky I have one that I enjoy’ the defensive walls around the topic are just too dense.
I do think that if he did leave and get something else he would see the weight he has been carrying there all these years.

So, AIBU? Plenty of people work nights and shifts and what ever they can to put food on the table. Should I be grateful he loves his job and he is happy if tired all the time ? Do your husbands work late / weekends all the time and is that just the norm? Pls help. I need to know if I’m just being spoilt or if this is unreasonable?

It's no life for you. I was in the same position and was Widdowed in my 30's. I regret not putting my foot down.

He needs to see your pov and start to look if there are alternatives.

His job, his choice. Id be very cross if DH thought he could dictate my job.

He’s pulling his weight financially, shares school runs etc so sounds like he has some balance.

Unless the hours interfered with your job then a discussion would be needed but you don’t mention work so it either doesn’t or he’s the sole earner. In which case, a job he enjoys is critical.

If he is the only one catching the financial responsibility for your family, it is crucial that he is happy at work.

Is it his company that he owns or is he an employee?

Is he well? Maybe he could have a check up to make sure he is well. If not it might encourage him to look for something else.

I was going to ask that, too - is he the owner? If so I think I can see his point. If he's paid by an employer, he's out of his mind.

Your husband loyalty is indeed a fabulous trait but, if he died his company would replace him in a week!

He needs to work to live not live to work

It’s not his company. He’s an employee but has been there since it began. I WFH. Thanks for your thoughts. It’s helpful to get others perspective. You can get so stuck when you’re in it.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss, what about it interfering in your personal life with your spouse? There should be more going on than a bit of Co-parenting, or you might as well be single.

I'd start logging how many hours he works. He may have no idea how bad it is. You need to get him to see the reality. If he's never there how can he be a great dad?

An employee who is always at work but doesn't get paid over time? Pull the other one

I'd seriously be looking at whether he's at work when he says he is. What kind of business is it that he's working till midnight and weekends?

Do you know anyone from his work/ his boss so you can check this is actually happening

I think it depends. I would be pissed off if my husband did that because of the wage that he's on. But I have friends that complain about their hours and they are on £120k - £150k. And they could change to a job with more sociable hours but like the money. I think if you're a high earner there has to be some sacrifices and you are basically being compensated for your lack of family time.

I guess job type is also relevant so if NHS front line staff or similar its stay late or people might die so more understandable to do overtime

How much does he actually get paid relative to his earning potential? If he’s being paid £100k when he’d only be able to get a £50k job elsewhere then fair enough. But if he’s being paid the same amount and he could for job with reasonable hours then he needs to talk to his employer and he prepared to leave. It’s not fair on you.

does he earn to reflect those hours

Sounds fishy to me, sorry OP

@IceCreamAndCandyFloss actually OP specifically mentioned that she wanted to get a new job and was shot down and that it is interfering in this as she doesnt have the choice?

I wouldn't put up with it OP frankly.. he needs to understand that whilst it's great he loves his job, you aren't happy! It's no way to live, especially with being unable to get a out of WFH.

This is bullshit OP, I have a very hectic job in the NHS and if I wanted I could work 24 hours a day easily but I have very strict boundaries with regard to my work life balance.
I take an hours lunch break unless there is an emergency and I never go home more than an hour late.
I have learnt from hard life experience and 35 years at work that you can be sacked like you are a nobody the very second your role is no longer wanted or they can't afford to employ you so that kind of over the top loyalty is ridiculous.
When he retires will he realise the pointlessness of putting his family over a job. Unless it's his business his colleagues and boss would forget about him in a couple of months as if he never existed.
So why is he putting his job above his family? family is what is important not a bloody job.

Sorry - putting his job over his family.

I am finding it a bit confusing. On the one hand it sounds like he is a partner in the firm and has a responsibility to the staff and a long term financial gain (shares etc).

But then you mention doing shifts, and it sounds more like he is a regularly employee, possibly in a low paid job.

If that’s the case its like delusions of grandeur. He really isn’t that important that he needs to give his all to the company for free. That would be a bit sad.

I did this until I got cancer and realised what was important. DSis did this until her boss retired and she didn't like new one so left and new job didn't facilitate her to do this. BIL did this till he had a nervous breakdown and quit. All our companies allowed us to do this extra work, sometimes they didn't even know we were doing this. There was nothing else going on. Work was getting done, we were the mugs that kept doing it, why would they need to employ anyone.else. We didn't get paid or til, we just got, for want of a better word, addicted to our work. I don't know what would have stopped us apart from the reasons we stopped tbh.

I just thought about the hours he works again and this is mental. Sure I work a few hours extra here and there, but this is crazy.

He is either not at work and using it as an excuse. Or he is at work and being an absolute idiot.

Companies have limited loyalty, this will benefit them way more then it will ever benefit him. It would be like working behind the till at Sainsbury’s and saying ‘oh I will work an extra 5 or 6 hours tonight for free and sure, chuck in a weekend shift too, don’t worry about paying me.’ Who would do that??!

Does he think they will like him more if he does this? It’s so stupid. I would be really pissed off.

What kind of salary is he on? Does it justify those hours? If I started working those kind of hours I’d be getting paid for them so not an issue as such, however my DH wouldn’t and his salary wouldn’t justify it so it would be a huge bone of contention for us.