Are they subtle or do they change overnight.. controlling people.

[littlebluebear]

With all the threads on at the moment, do controlling people try to mask when youfirst get involved with them in your experience. If so, what are the first most subtle signs that gave you the lightbulb moment that something was amiss.
Sometimes we can doubt ourselves I think.

Bump! I'm really asking what you noticed first that unsettled you as I'm a little dubious at the moment in my own situation thanks.

It can be both, in my experience. In my earlier relationships his controlling and abuse would sneak up on me. In my last abusive relationship I was pretty sure he was trouble from the beginning, because by then I recognised the small boundary testing straightaway. What I've learned over the years is that the biggest indicator is how I feel and respond around him. Am I worried I'm about to do the right thing? Do I feel confused about what I want in a situation? Do I push away my needs or have to argue to be heard? Those kind of questions.

the biggest indicator is how I feel and respond around him. Am I worried I'm about to do the right thing?

^^ this, a million times!

In my experience if you start questioning your sanity, constantly thinking you must be oversensitive and have a sense of unease and trepidation you need to get out quick. I hadn't felt like that in other relationships and I thought for a while it must be me having some sort of breakdown which was unrelated to him. Then I started talking to other people and a therapist about his behaviour and their reaction made it pretty clear what was going on. I left and suddenly I was back to normal again

I found the behaviour crept up on me, I didn't realise at first until I realised I had just stopped loving him and the manipulative/controlling behaviour was the main reason.
Then one thing just pushed me over the edge and I ended it, but it took that to make me think back to all the small things he would do on a day to day basis that I hadn't noticed.

Ultimately i felt like I was treading on eggshells all the time, I could say something I thought was harmless but he would take the wrong way (or choose to? )
I couldn't make any decisions on my own, he would guilt trip me if I did things without him. He would offer to pay for a meal (for example) as a treat, then a few days later if I asked him to settle up on something we agreed to split, he would tell me I was being ungrateful because he had paid for the meal.

It took me a year to notice and 6 months to pluck up the courage to leave.

As soon as you feel you can't be yourself or you need to change your behaviour to keep them happy, get yourself out!

My issues are very subtle. He doesn't
Like make up or too much skin exposure. He compliments me when I
Don't wear make up and when my body is almost covered but will never compliment me if I have a low cut top on or wear make up.That isn't a major issue in and of itself, it is the blatant disregard and disdain he has for those two examples. He doesn't say a word but I know he doesn't like it and doesn't hide his contempt.
So I rarely wear make up anymore and cringe when he passes negative comments about women who wear anything false.
It is like he is letting me know in no uncertain terms that he does not approve.
Does this resonate?

Yes, It is like he is letting me know in no uncertain terms that he does not approve and you complying even though you don't agree, that's exactly how it works. Men like this don't change and you'll feel much better after you've LTB. You deserve to feel safe, trusted and appreciated in your relationship, without the condition that you have to behave in a way that pleases him but not you.

That's not at all subtle op sorry, that's seeing it from a Google Earth...

He sounds massively controlling, sorry.

If I could go back to say something to my old self, when I first started noticing the guy I was with was controlling, I'd tell my old self to just leave. Don't spend any time on trying to understand why he acts as he does, or trying to explain to him how his actions hurt you. He doesn't care (although he may pretend to) and he will NEVER change. Any giving him a second chance or hoping he'll learn is a monumental waste of time. His brain works differently to yours and he will always want to possess and control you.

All that matters is he's treating you badly and you need to leave.

Would you EVER treat someone like that? No, you wouldn't. So don't accept it from him.

OP, please, save yourself a world of heartache and damage to your self esteem and leave.

Looking back it was always there but I was young, my first proper relationship and I didn’t know any better.

Mine also didn’t like make up. Didn’t like me going out with people he didn’t know. Didn’t like me talking to some of his friends. Course he never actually said I couldn’t do any of these things, but I knew.

My lightbulb moment, was a thread on here. We were many years into marriage and two DCs. I didn’t even appreciate the full extent until we’d been separated a while and I had chance to take stock.

Really think hard about this this relationship, it will get worse.

Mine had OCD which was nice at the beginning because he was so tidy, always bleaching, I thought I had a new age man. Subtly over time it got worse, on mine and my kids case if we didn't put shoes away, hang towels up etc. Then after a while he was shouting and calling us names, constantly hovering and telling us to put things away even though we were still using them. The hints were there early but it looked harmless at the beginning.

Sorry, I should have said:

He doesn't care (although he may pretend to) and he will NEVER change, in fact this is just the beginning. It will get steadily worse over time and may well progress to violence some years down the line.

That may sound preposterous at this point, but women in violent relationships didn't start off in violent relationships. They mostly started in relationships with a man who they thought loved and cared about them, and the control started slowly and built up over time. Sometimes a very long time. A friend of mine was violently attacked by her husband for daring to argue with him, nearly 20 years into their relationship. It was the first time he ever was violent with her. But now she can see the pattern of behaviour escalating over time, when she looks back.

Well done for having such good instincts. You know this isn't right (else you wouldn't be posting here). You don't need him to understand to split up. That it's not working for you is enough.