To skip my bil’s milestone birthday?

[DorotheaHomeAlone]

I’m 37 weeks pregnant with my third (easily conceived) baby. My bil and sil are going through ivf trying for a second. They’re having a small celebration for bil’s milestone birthday. Should dh take the kids without me? They’ve been fine with me over Christmas but both notably subdued and I don’t want to cause them any further upset on what should be a happy day.

Personally I think skipping it would merely draw attention to the issue.

Sending bil a text and ask him to have a think about what they would prefer and for him to let you know what’s best for them. Ideally tell them to take a couple of days to make a decision.

Can't your DH speak to his Sibling?

I would go; I think it’d be worse to stay away as it’d draw more attention to it all. I also think doing that could run away with itself a bit to then not taking the baby to family events etc

"Sending bil a text and ask him to have a think about what they would prefer"

Don't send a text, this could cause a rift.

It's a subject that needs a face to face conversation.

They are both lovely and I’m pretty sure would tell me to come to avoid making me feel uncomfortable. If I were to skip it I’d just make an excuse not bring up the ivf.

I would go, make sure that the focus is all on them even if you are having some nasty pregnancy symptoms etc don’t bring attention to them but equally if asked how things are don’t be weird and refuse to answer but try and keep answers brief and then bring the focus back to them.

Go. Avoiding it will just more attention to it.

Go. Infertility is sad but you can’t avoid seeing pregnant women.

What @Batqueen said. Go but steer the conversation. If asked how things are it’s a ‘fine, thank you’ and back to something unrelated.
I’ve been the sil in this situation and it was bloody difficult but would have been easier if it hadn’t been made into a thing

pregnant women are everywhere it's unavoidable, although family are closer to home in this situation. i'd go and be keep low key on the subject. you are pregnant buti'm sure they are still happy for you just as you will be for them as and when their time comes.

No need to send a text in advance. Just go and focus on the birthday celebrations.

You're 37 weeks, I would think that is a reason enough to not go. You could just say that you're feeling very tired/uncomfortable at this stage and its very understandable.
It would save them being faced with their infertility issues and you from having to feel bad about something you shouldnt.
I've been there were they are and honestly would have preferred you not to attend.

I just want to say I think you sound very kind and considerate. Often the problem in these circumstances isn’t you as the pregnant woman or them as the poor couple struggling with infertility, it’s unwitting other family members who go on and on and ask questions and make a song and dance about you being pregnant. Which then makes you feel guilty and then feel sad.
If you’re close to them and feel you can have that conversation, do. If not, if I were you, I’d go to celebrate his birthday but would deflect and change the subject rapidly if anyone else starts to go on about your pregnancy or babies.

Them* feel sad.

Thanks everyone. Sounds like most people agree with my dh that not going will draw more attention. It’s a very low key thing ( due to imminent ivf) about 10 people in a small room. If it was bigger I’d definitely be less concerned.

@DorotheaHomeAlone

Also, don't avoid asking them about IVF. They may want to discuss it. If it comes up make sure you sound interested and excited for them

I personally wouldn't go a I think it will taint the birthday. Whatever you do though don't say would aren't going because of you being uncomfortable in pregnancy, that is just cruel for them. Instead I would suddenly remember that you need to meet a friend that night.

I think not going, and especially not going if you blame the late stages of pregnancy would be much worse and inevitably make the conversation about you/the baby. However, if you have doubts, DH should PHONE DB and have a chat to check the lie of the land.

So you know they were subdued around you at xmas, They are in the midst of IVF, and they are specifically having something lowkey because of the ivf, and it's a milestone birthday - I think the decent thing to do would be not go. It's so in your face.
You have the perfect excuse not to, and it would be believable and I'm sure they would be relieved to.

What does DH think? I'd be inclined to go but take a back seat. It's kind of you to be so considerate.

Agree with celery. Why be cruel when you dont have to. The fact that they were subdued around you recently should tell you enough. Please be kind to them. You Obviously do not understand infertility and the emotional heartache that goes with it.
Some people are fine with it but they were a bit down around xmas, I think this says how they feel.

If they had no children and had been struggling for a long time to conceive, I would be more inclined to not go, but seeing as they have one and are actively trying for a second, I would not worry about it at all. Infertility is awful, but when you have one you count your blessings.

Go or if you are really worried just ask them. My husband and I struggled with infertility for nearly 6 years and it hurt everytime close friends and family got pregnant for much of that time, especially whilst we were going through IVF. 5 years into us trying and 2 years into IVF my sister in law got pregnant their first month of trying and everyone in the family was told except us. They did not come to my birthday party for fear of upsetting us as we would have found out and that hurt soooo much more. It would have hurt to see her pregnant but we would have been happy for them. I know deep down they were trying to be sensitive but them keeping it from us and avoiding an event that was important to me was like being stabbed and things are still odd between me and my brother. I know this isn't your exact situation, but I think not going would be worse. You could make another excuse but they will know why. Good luck.

It's great you are so considerate though! My friend invited me to her baby shower and rang me before to say she knew it was hard and she would not be offended if I didn't go but she wanted to give me the choice and I appreciated that she had considered my feelings so much.