To ask, what red flags would cause you to leave?

[Bluewater1]

Which red flags would mean you would leave a relationship?

And also, what are the most important things to make a healthy relationship?

Thought I'd turned the voting off....

Anything remotely jealous or controlling. Or if they were rude to the waiter.

This is a long list but then I also have a long list of terrible boyfriends, so:

• Jealous and/or controlling
• Not saying "thank you" to the bus driver (and other similar rudeness to people who are "doing their job")
• Misogynistic attitudes and language
• Stinginess
• Mummy's boys
• Not being able or unwilling to cook/clean etc
• Being selfish during sex
• Going on about sex in a schoolboy jokey way, you know like making everything about sex, boobs and genitals harharhar (if they refused to rein it in)
• Being overly soppy, gushy or pedestalling (immediate ick)

Just be decent, be respectful, be kind, share and listen.

Depends a bit on the relationship stage, obviously. But for a new relationship:

• persistent lateness
• extremely messy
• misogyny
• arrogance

Everything that Ponte said except the mummy boy (purely because I'm not sure what that means) plus

Racism, homophobic or other irrational group-based hostility

Stupidity . Inability to follow an argument or think through an idea.

Dishonesty. Any major sign of not being open, straightforward and honest is a total deal breaker.

Emotional repression or withdrawal. A man who won't share his feelings will leave you feeling lonely. Intimacy is impossible with a man who refuses to share how he feels. This links to honesty, emotional honesty is as important as any other kind.

In a new or newish relationship, him not wanting you to meet his friends.

Oh my goodness yes, racism too.
Thanks, ScreamingBeans.

Actually, mummy's boy is the wrong phrase. I mean someone that is controlled by his mother, puts her first over everyone else including himself and you, who needs her permission/approval before doing anything or making decisions etc. So basically a toxic MIL which he can't recognise or wont stand up to.

Manipulation/guilt tripping

You might not realise it's happening but for example I make plans to see my friends on a saturday, he says 'oh i thought we could do XYZ together that day' I say why don't we do that on Sunday instead, he says 'I'm going to my mums on Sunday' 'do you love your friends more than me?' etc etc

just one example from my now my ex, dodged a bullet there :)

Porn use.

Yes to all of the above.

Telling you they didn't say/ do something that they did say or do-gaslighting.
Asking if you are having a go at them because you are due on!!
Refusing to take responsibility for things they have done that upset you
Refusing to apologise-ever...
Sulking
Refusing to see things from your point of view
Selfish
Still lets their mum do their laundry.....
Twists the truth to make themselves be in the right
Refuses to discuss anything that could lead to disagreement-let's keep things light

Healthy relationship musts - honesty, kindness, fun, compassion, empathetic, understanding

@EasterBun2001 I had an ex like this too

Jealousy, emotional abuse.
Though it is hard to see it when your in it.
Honesty and communication are vital I can always be honest with DP.
My ex was a cheating twat if I shaved my legs he'd think I was going to shag someone in work, still took years to realise it wasn't passionate it was mental.

I think that context depends on a lot of these. Like I understand racism, emotional abuse etc being deal breakers but... if you loved your partner, they had lots of good qualities, made you laugh, loved you back BUT they were also a mamas boy, would you actually leave them?

Likewise with cooking/cleaning. E.g. my husband can’t cook and is also pretty messy. I do way more than him. But he pulls his weight in other areas - goes grocery shopping etc. Gets a cleaner in when we need one.

For me, I think it’s a major problem that people are too quick to end a relationship rather than working on it.

For me there are two major deal breakers:

• Infidelity
• Indifference (if my parter stopped caring about me and stopped trying)

... assuming they’re not a truly awful person (abusing etc.) then not much else would make me leave.

P.s. as for what makes a healthy relationship - effort, caring about the other person, passion, patience, a sense of humour, and forgiveness

Violence, abuse, anger issues, infidelity, lack of respect, dishonesty...

Most important things are communication and kindness.

Any form of control or abuse.
Being nasty to my dc/good friends.
Mean drunk behaviour/alcohol or drug problem in general.
Racism.
Homophobia.
If he didnt like cats.
What is good....easy going, animal lover, sociable, faithful and if he treats his female relatives well.

Controlling behaviour- this is quite a broad spectrum though. Checking up on what I’m doing, telling me they don’t like my appearance, how I raise my kids, my friends/family, my views, going through my phone to name a few.
Never admitting they are in the wrong
Telling me their ex is a psycho
Big debts and also owing family and friends money
Lying about stupid stuff
Sexist behaviour/attitude including using derogatory language
Aggression
“Borrowing” money from me

There’s probably more but those are off the top of my head and all things my abusive ex did right from the start (like within the first month) that I let slide and I stuck with him for over a decade and it nearly destroyed me.

In an early relationship from experience if they have to tell you they are a nice guy and have to give examples they are not the nice guy.

Jealousy, controlling, overly intense and rushing. Lying

All of the above, plus also any man who was over-protective or 'treated me like a princess'. I'd see either of those as red flags. Also smoker, drug-taker or heavy drinker.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Going forward now, any suggestion that I should spend time with him not the friend/relative that I mentioned I was going to visit.
Any face pulling/comments at what I was going to wear outside of the house.
Turning up at college/work to see who I walked out of the door with.
Checking my phone/handbag. If I had nothing to hide I shouldn't be bothered.
Repeated questioning about past relationships. How many? Who had the best body/cock.
Early on requests for a house key...just in case of emergency....
Turning up at meal times. 'Been so busy hasn't had a bite..'

Silent treatment. No explanation.

Having children they don’t see, massive red flag.
Badmouthing exes.
Lies even if they are just little ones.

Knuckle heads
guys who are so into football and gaming
Political views that are so different to mine

So many I’m nodding in agreement to!!

How about...

Poor self-hygiene
Cruelty or dislike of animals
Bad manners
No idea how to behave in situations such as (weddings etc) like not dressing correctly
Intimidating other drivers/showing off
Blokey and boorish behaviour
Lying about silly little things
Gambling beyond obvious things such as Grand National, FA Cup sort of events
The “what happens in Vegas/ Magaluf etc” attitude

So many...😱

Boxerbeat

Knuckleheads!!😀😀. YES!!!