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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To knock on her door.

19 replies

ifoundthebread · 11/01/2020 09:27

Long story short my bio dad was abusive and controlling to my mother. It has come to light he was also this way towards partners he had after my mother and sometime their children. Recently he has been charged and plead guilty to indecent assault, because it is an old case the technicalities of the charge varies by todays court rulings but he is facing anywhere up to 4 years. He will be sentenced next week. His current wife has been by his side during the process up to this stage (not sure if it's by her choice or his control). I kind of feel sorry for his wife because I know there is a possibility she is being controlled, feel trapped and possibly abused. If he does get a custodial sentence WIBU to knock on her door to tell her no one blames her for any of this and I hope she is okay?

OP posts:
Fishcakey · 11/01/2020 09:38

She might be really glad of the support. I think as long as you are prepared to be told to bog off then go for it.

BrigidSt · 11/01/2020 09:42

I don't understand why you would need to reassure her that no one blames her, as if everyone is blaming her? Its certainly not her fault, but I don't think you need to start a dialogue with her on that basis.

bellabasset · 11/01/2020 09:42

You have nothing to lose by holding out the hand of friendship as long as you realise she might not take it. I think it's a kind thing for you to do.

Ponoka7 · 11/01/2020 09:47

She might be in complete denial or so sucked in that all you will get is abuse.
That may include your Mother being called a liar etc.

Do you really want to chance being embroiled in their drama?

It could take loads of time, upset and emotional energy for it to go nowhere.

Women have got to reach a mental position to get out, by themselves.

Ponoka7 · 11/01/2020 09:49

"You have nothing to lose"

You do and it might trigger memories and make you question stuff that has been laid to rest.

LemonTT · 11/01/2020 09:49

I don’t think it is a matter of being unreasonable so much as being potentially inappropriate. She does need help and support but it’s not clear how or why it should come from you and whether now is the right time.

For example to say “no one blames you” is a hugely loaded statement. She might not have even considered that some people could blame her. She might be facing harassment for people and not welcome a knock on her door, email, letter or text.

It’s a very difficult situation. She should have been sign posted to services and charities that could help her. These people will be trained and experienced. They will also be objective.

You are far too close and involved to be the support she needs. That isn’t meant to rude. But you won’t be able to remove your own feelings at the expense of hers.

plunkplunkfizz · 11/01/2020 09:49

I think your choice of words is poor but the intention is good. Surely no one blames her for her husband indecently assaulting someone?

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 11/01/2020 10:00

Nobody blames her for what?

Do you know her?

I think you're intentions are good, but be prepared to be told to f off. If im honest, unless I knew her, I would leave the entire situation alone

ifoundthebread · 11/01/2020 11:20

No one blames her is definitely the wrong wording. I think because when I have seen her out she looks like a defeated woman, eyes to the floor, head down kind of behaviour, I feel like I need to tell her that I understand why she's still there with him and that shes not trapped. I dunno, maybe I'll just let her go home without saying anything.

OP posts:
Pipandmum · 11/01/2020 11:23

Why don't you write her a letter first just reaching out and offering support and see how she reacts to that.

Whynosnowyet · 11/01/2020 11:24

Do you see your half siblings?

AlCalavicci · 11/01/2020 11:34

I think a letter to her would be the best approach,
something along the lines of , I know you must of gone/ be going through a hard time , if you ever want to talk about it please get in touch .
This leaves the ball in her court and does not put you both on the spot which I think a face to face chat may do .

I also think a proper letter ( not email or text ) would be well received as if she does want help or just to talk to she will have something physical to re read when she is feeling down or unsure .

messolini9 · 11/01/2020 11:57

You are far too close and involved to be the support she needs. That isn’t meant to rude. But you won’t be able to remove your own feelings at the expense of hers.

^This.
Also not looking to be rude, or dismissive of your undoubtedly kind intentions - but for goodness' sake, stop & have a good long internal assessment of what is really prompting you to knock on this woman's door.

If she (by which of course I mean your dad) were a stranger to you - say you read about her husband's trial in the paper & that was how you knew - would you have felt any prompt at all to go & knock on her door?

What is it about your perception of your association with your dad, & knowledge of his crimes, that makes you want to reach out to this woman? What do you feel may have prompted your desire to tell her no one blames her for any of this and I hope she is okay?
How much of that statement is actually more to do with your own psychology, i.e. what must be some complicated & difficult feelings around your own mother?

Supposing this current wife finds your attempts at contact intrusive, or rude, or weird? And apart from that consideration - what about your own mental health? Having survived your dad once, why would you embroil yourself in what could be a volatile communication with his current wife? What are you really looking to achieve here, & why do you feel it is appropriate for you to offer support, or reassurance of no blame attaching to her?
How do you even know that no blame attaches to her? You have absolutely no way of knowing if she was complicit, or enabling, or ignorant of what your dad was up to.

It's maybe also worth reflecting on the fact that you perceive the current wife as she looks like a defeated woman, eyes to the floor, head down kind of behaviour, I feel like I need to tell her that I understand why she's still there with him and that shes not trapped -
but where is your own mother in all this?
You barely mention her in your initial post. Did you own mother escape the trap successfully? - is she living happily now, or still scarred by her marriage to your dad?

I am concerned that you are projecting in an attempt to settle some old wrongs still niggling at your own sense of how things should have been for you as a child.
Your instinct to help this current wife is commendable ... but please don't jump in without considering your own fallibility, the fact that YOU TOO were a victim of your dad (a child who witnesses abuse is a victim of abuse), or how much you may be projecting here.

My suspicion is that some buried part of your subconcious is reaching out to try & make things right for the child that you were & the wife that your mum used to be. It's likely that any communication with - let alone if that built up into a relationship, however tenuous - with this current wife is going to be extremely triggering for you.

I think you should congratulate yourself on your kind instincts, but let this one go unless you can access some form of counselling to unpick the deeper motivations underlying your instinct to comfort, protect, or 'rescue' the current wife - & how that relates to any subconcious narrative around your relationship with your own mother.

This must be horribly upsetting for you OP.
Congratulations on surviving your dad - please don't go opening cans of worms that might bite you unless you have ample professional support to help you manage the emotional fallout. Flowers

Brig93 · 11/01/2020 12:18

In my opinion is a good idea. I do talk my my ex partners ex wife.. we talk and understand each other, no judgment because she been there before and its me in the same situation.. she ask me how am I doing, messaged me daily to make sure im ok. Because she knows what is it to go through abuse.. and if its me who would see the next partner of my ex in the same state as you mentioned I would get involved and give help because mentally she can be in really bad place.. everyone needs help, we just to ashamed to ask for it sometimes..

Sn0tnose · 11/01/2020 12:45

I think you could be opening Pandora’s box here. Are you sure you’ve dealt with all of your own feelings about having an abusive father? What if she welcomes you in? Do you have the emotional capacity if she begins leaning on you for support? Or the strength to walk away if it gets too much for you? You’re opening a door into your life. Are you absolutely sure you’ll be able to cope with what comes through it? If she decides to stay with him during his sentence, are you prepared for him to have that avenue of finding out about your life? What happens when he comes out?

I honestly do understand exactly the position you’re in (apart from the court case). I wouldn’t do it.

ifoundthebread · 11/01/2020 13:36

Thank you all. I think I may of thought it would do some good for her but after reading these replies it's made me think/realise it's probably more for my own feelings. Im going to leave it be.

OP posts:
messolini9 · 11/01/2020 14:37

You were very kind to think of her OP, but need to be sensible & also think of yourself. Recent events must have been very unpleasant for you to deal with, even at a distance, & I hope you are able to access counselling in order to deal with any resurfacing emotions if you feel even remotely unsettled by them.

Best of luck & best wishes to you Flowers

littlepaddypaws · 11/01/2020 14:40

good decision op, let sleeping dogs lie.

ifoundthebread · 17/01/2020 13:15

www.sunderlandecho.com/news/crime/wearside-sex-attacker-admitted-he-was-not-very-nice-person-when-he-indecently-assaulted-teenage-girl-1367530

Well he got time behind bars which we were not expecting. His wife gave a character statement in his defence stating she is of support to him. As I don't know the ins and out of their relationship I don't know if she actually meant that or if she was saying it under his control, who knows. I'm just glad justice of some sort has been served and my family and I can now move forward.

OP posts:
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