AIBU - Night Tantrums

[SoFreakingTired86]

I am at my wits end.
DD daughter is 2.5 years, DS is 4 months.
My daughter is what the older generation lovingly call spirited. Since hitting the terrible twos to my horror I find myself liking her less and less, as she's gone from my cute baby into a complete psychopath. Her mood can alter at the drop of a hat, and because her language isn't good yet (she's bright and understands everything but also very lazy) the tantrums quickly turn to smacking, kicking and even head butting because we just can't communicate with her.
Lately this has started happening at night. She will scream hysterically if woken (sometimes by something as stupid as somebody sneezing) and then refuses to go back to sleep unless somebody is in with her. It is never DH she wants (who is self employed so also at wits end with lack of sleep) always me. She has recently gone into a big bed but these tantrums started long before that.
She has me all the time, with only couple of days a week at grandparents so I can get some respite with DS.
I had mild PND with DS where I struggled to bond and also found myself pushing her away,which is now being triggered again as I am just angry all the time and quite frankly sick of her shit. She is golden for her grandparents and sometimes just plain horrible for us to the point where I am crying looking at old photos of her - she just isn't the same child anymore! Tonight I was so close to throwing a bowl of water over her because she just wouldn't calm down! Now I'm guilty that I even considered It!!
I know the tiredness magnifies everting but has anyone else suddenly found such an intense dislike for a child they once adored? AIBU? How did you deal with it?

Yes my dd now 40 was terrible and on a couple of occasions even now l remember losing it with her, shouting and ranting at her and l can still see her shocked ittle face and feel guilty to this day. But l literally was dead on my feet and often sobbed l wanted to go to sleep so much. No advice lm afraid but she did improve at four or five.

You sound at your wits end. It must be so hard dealing with a baby and a 2 year old at the same time. I really feel for you.

Do you think PND could be colouring your feelings towards her? Do you think she could be acting up due to the new baby. Maybe she's testing you to check you still love her? It's so hard when you're not getting enough sleep (I can sympathise, 7 week old baby here, and a 5 year old) but you're feelings towards your daughter sound very strong. She really is just a little girl struggling with big emotions that can't communicate them yet. I'm wondering if it's worth having a chat with your GP or Health Visitor about how you're feeling. to you op.

Ah, I had one like this. It was truly awful. Tbh, I wouldn’t over-analyse your feelings towards her - feeling dislike of a child having night tantrums is a normal reaction! You seem fairly self aware, keep thinking about your responses and ‘fake it till you make it’ with loving her if necessary.

My DS had violent tantrums day and night at this stage, multiple times a day. He would headbut, hit, kick, throw everything out of his room. He’d scream for hours. It started calming down at about 3.5 years. His personality is one where he gets angry quickly and I suspect he has some minor sensory issues but what triggered the whole thing was his little brother being born and turning 2 simultaneously. I’m convinced he was struggling with trauma from the displacement caused by a new baby, alongside the big scarey new feelings of being 2.

It was sooooo hard. There was nothing we could do to stop the tantrums - just let them pass while offering him a ‘way back’ to cuddles etc when he was ready (and hiding from the missiles). I had a stairgate on his door to put him behind (he could have climbed it but luckily never did) just to keep everyone else in the family safe. Loads of reassurance that we loved him. It was my biggest challenge in parenting so far. Often I got it wrong and shouted, but I tried not to. My husband and I used to tag team - I could usually stay calm for 30-40 minutes snd then start getting angry so then DH would take over and vice versa. I didn’t know anyone else experiencing this (I have 2 other children who didn’t do it) and so felt very alone.

I did wonder if there was something wrong with him at the time but there wasn’t. He’s now 5 and absolutely fine - still that tendency to anger but no developmental problems, doing great at school, very social. Good luck!

Thanks everyone, it's reassuring knowing someone is listening and I'm not completely alone in the dead of night. What worries me is the anger used to melt away with the morning, but not so much anymore.
I'll talk to the clinic next week. I'll admit I'm a little gun-shy as originally the Doctor didn't give me a chance to talk and just tried to fob me off with ADs. I refused to take them, I still don't feel they're the answer!

Are they tantrums or meltdowns? Can she be distracted out of them? Does she carry on without a reaction? My son had regular meltdowns from the age of ten months to about 3.5 yrs. Always around food or sleep. He was regularly waking up screaming up to half a dozen times a night, and each time would continue for a good 45 minutes. For him, moving him into a bed from a cot helped, as I think he kept hitting the sides of the cot and waking himself up. Once they are in that state, all you can do is try and calm them down - if I tried to talk to my son, it would make him worse. Even offering him treats would have made him worse!

He grew out of it, fortunately, but it was rough for a while. We just found he needed slightly different parenting to “traditional” methods. He wasn’t being naughty, he was just having difficulty processing everything (in particular his emotions - he still struggles with that!). There is a saying that “all behaviour is communication”. It’s so tough at this age, when not only do they not know what they want, but they lack the ability to explain it, even if they did know!

Just to add - it can be worth looking into strategies for autistic children. Am not saying that your DD is on the autistic spectrum, just that children this age can be prone to similar issues as those on the spectrum, such as sensory overload, difficulties processing emotions, and communication difficulties.

My son was like this.
He is now five and is STILL like this to a lesser degree.
Just highlighting that a spirited child is not going to change, you can learn to adapt and control better but you will always have a degree of over-sensitivity.

After many times of being at my wits end, shouting and ranting, feeling bad for it etc I have now adapted a FIRM but FAIR approach.

For example, my child does not like his swimming lessons (he does not like much anyway if it involves being away from me for any length of time). So every week without fail is a spectacular scene of crying, cheekyness, attitude. You get the jist.
So to be firm but fair.... he HAS to do his swimming lessons because its important that he learns how to swim so he is safe when around water, on holidays etc. This is explained to him. If he does not do his swimming lessons he will not have his tablet time when he is home. Simple.
Firm but fair.

Sorry should say that in terms of your child, i would try this approach..... you dont go to sleep at night? Ok well then you dont get to have a story before bed. Firm but fair. Especially when she understands what your saying.

You need help. Are you sure that ADs would be worse than how you are feeling now and the effect it must have on your DD?

Your DD is not a psychopath and you shouldn't be sick of her shit. She is a very little girl who has trouble communicating her needs and emotions and has just had a little brother added to her world. At night she is scared. She is not tantruming because she is evil, she is screaming because she can't express her fear. How about co-sleeping with her? Or explaining to her that your DH will co-sleep with her?

Try to carve some one to one time for her every day and spend it doing exactly what she wants to do. Try a pasta jar reward system for little things like getting up, brushing teeth, going to the toilet, getting dressed. Make sure you add a lot of things to the list that are easy for her to do so she can be rewarded easily and often.

This post is really sad. She is still a baby and recently had her life turned upside down by the arrival of a new baby plus she is two so of course she is acting up, her speech isn’t good so she is communicating in the only way she knows how. She wants her mummy because she wants your attention and reassurance even if it is negative attention she is getting.

I understand not wanting to take anti depressants but

i would be seriously considering if I was feeling this way about my child.

Firstly I would encourage you not to completely dismiss medication. I agree they’re not a cure but they are a really useful tool alongside other techniques like mindfulness and CBT (you might be able to find courses for this on line).

I sympathise with your dd, it’s a tricky age at the best of times and I agree there are times they just seem to be little gits but you do have to remind yourself that so much of this behaviour is down to not having the ability to communicate and make sense of the world around them. I always found it really helpful to read up on whatever developmental stage they’re in. It didn’t completely dissolve my frustration but it did help to have an understanding of what I was dealing with.

I haven’t seen it for ages on here but there was a trend for ‘love bombing’. The basic idea is to completely reset the situation so you make a plan to engineer a day that is focussed on enjoying each other. There’s loads of guidance online. It’ll be hard but if it brings a sense of calmness to your household it’ll be worth it I think.

Sorry but there is a stark contrast in a 2 year old tantrum and a 'spirited' child acting up.

I have a spirited child who is now 5. I still find him extremly difficult at times. So much so that we have for years tip toed around him. Praised him and rewarded him to no end. Catered to every need, read books on how to approach him etc and still he would act up. I disliked the behaviour, I still do not enjoy certain things he does but I love him and that is why I read up on things, ask others for advice. OP is simply venting on here, she sounds like she is really struggling with behaviour that she has tried to facilitate and help her child to no avail.
I also have a 2 year old, who is not spirited.... and I can tell you the difference in behaviour is massive to when my eldest was this age.

It is so hard. Yes maybe an AD would help take the edge off but I do believe it is OK to feel the way your are feeling OP. Parenting is hard, parenting a spirited child is ten times harder. No its not always enjoyable but you are doing the right thing having a vent and asking for advice.

OP, it sounds as though you are at the end of your tether. I think you need some quality time with your DD, it’s a tough transition for her too. She was your one and only baby at one point and now she’s well aware that she isn’t. Is there anyone that can look after your 4 month old so you can have some time alone with DD. She doesn’t sound very happy.
Offering ADs isn’t the GPs. fobbing you off, OP. Although they’re not the only thing that can help, they serve a good purpose.
Good luck, OP. X