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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hurt by friend?

22 replies

Wildflower123 · 10/01/2020 18:33

Friend said she’ll come out for my birthday if she doesn’t end up going to a different city for her boyfriends friends birthday.

It’s a big birthday and she’s suppose to be a best friend. She’s met this guy maybe twice, he’s not even her friend ... they’ve not booked anything like hotels, transport etc and her boyfriend could still go.

I feel so let down. On her birthday I had such bad anxiety but I forced myself to go out because I’d never want to let a friend down.

OP posts:
redbullgivesyouflings · 10/01/2020 18:33

Sorry but it seems like she values the friendship less than you do.

Tellmetruth4 · 10/01/2020 18:35

She’s not your friend, sorry

MatildaTheCat · 10/01/2020 18:37
  1. Tell her.
  1. She’s in the throes of early relationship madness. She wants any chance to be with him and join his gang. Tedious but very real. Tell her you’ll be bloody disappointed if she doesn’t come to your birthday and he will have more respect for her anyway if she has independent plans and doesn’t ditch her best mate.
  1. It could go either way unfortunately. Make sure you have other friends or family to join you as well if possible.
Original poster
Wildflower123 · 10/01/2020 18:42

1. Tell her.

I wouldn’t know how to without it becoming awkward.

2. She’s in the throes of early relationship madness. She wants any chance to be with him and join his gang. Tedious but very real. Tell her you’ll be bloody disappointed if she doesn’t come to your birthday and he will have more respect for her anyway if she has independent plans and doesn’t ditch her best mate.

They’ve been together just over a year now and I get the impression he has quite a few different friendship groups and I don’t think this friend is a main friend ... I think he might be a work colleague.

Would have preferred it to be what you suggested then at least I could see some justification.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wildflower123 · 10/01/2020 18:43

She text me to say this ... would I be making more of a statement to not even acknowledge it.

OP posts:
Strongmummy · 10/01/2020 18:45

If you’re not willing to speak to her about how you feel then that’s not much else to be said really.

TiddyTid · 10/01/2020 18:45

I wouldn't acknowledge it.

Sparklesocks · 10/01/2020 18:47

You should be able to talk about this with her if she’s your friend, or is she more of an acquaintance?

Original poster
Wildflower123 · 10/01/2020 18:52

No she’s one of my best friends.

I just wouldn’t know how to approach it.

OP posts:
Strongmummy · 10/01/2020 18:55

@wildflower123 - I’d say “hey x, I’d really love if you would celebrate my birthday with me. It means a lot. “ then see what she says.

nomdunchien · 10/01/2020 19:00

YANBU. People are shit these days 💐

neverornow · 10/01/2020 20:17

I'd make plans with someone else (if possible)
I hate to say it as I've been there before myself, but I would say that you value the friendship more than she does. And/ Or, she's the type to drop to prioritise her boyfriend over friends. Disappointing and upsetting so I feel for you!
I would keep your response simple and just say "oh well, that's disappointing was looking forward to celebrating my birthday with you" and leave it at that. From experience, there's not much point even trying to reason with people like this

I hope you have a nice birthday

billy1966 · 10/01/2020 20:35

Do not acknowledge it OP.

Sorry that is hurtful. It is.

Learn from it.

Good friends don't do this.

They just don't..... even if they secretly would like to, because they are in the thrall of a new guy....they just don't..... because they know better.

Don't acknowledge her.

Think hard.

Personally, I would take this information, bank it, realise this friend isn't as good a friend as I thought, and carry on.

She is showing who she is, believe her.

And have a lovely birthday despite it.

Wishing you well OP.
,💐

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 10/01/2020 20:36

Just assume she's not coming and plan accordingly, going forward I would be very much cooling the friendship on my side as clearly it doesn't mean much to her.

JeezyPeeps · 10/01/2020 20:39

Is her boyfriend invited to your birthday too?

Original poster
Wildflower123 · 11/01/2020 00:03

Is her boyfriend invited to your birthday too?

No but not because I don’t like him or we don’t get on.

It’s drinks with 10 women, I mean he could come but it would be odd.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wildflower123 · 11/01/2020 10:22

Just wanted to say thank you for the replies. I was so upset yesterday and I feel better venting here.

OP posts:
JeezyPeeps · 11/01/2020 15:49

Well if he's not invited, and she has another invitation (which she may have received first). which she can go to with her other half, I can see why she wouldn't commit at this point.

I don't think she's done anything wrong. But I can also see why you find it upsetting.

Drowningmysorroes · 11/01/2020 23:24

Well if he's not invited, and she has another invitation (which she may have received first). which she can go to with her other half, I can see why she wouldn't commit at this point.

So you’d only want to go to an event if your partner could come too? Confused Even though no one else’s partners are going?

Get some independent darling.

JeezyPeeps · 12/01/2020 09:06

ODFO

There's a difference between 'only going if a partner can go' and 'prioritising a pre-existing joint invitation over a solo one'.

I'm surprised that you find that hard to understand.

I have me plenty of 'independent' thanks duck.

hatfullofmallow · 12/01/2020 09:24

@JeezyPeeps I get what you're saying about a pre-existing invite but this is one of her closest friends.

I know when friend's birthdays are and know which ones are likely to want to go out and celebrate so would always try to avoid booking something in then. My friends do the same.

OP, text her as already suggested and say that you'd really like her to be there as it's a special birthday and leave it with her. Hopefully she'll make the right choice.

JeezyPeeps · 12/01/2020 10:10

I typed out a long response then deleted it as it doesn't add anything useful for op.

Op, think carefully before taking other people's advice on here about cooling off the friendship.

Someone said 'good friends don't do this', but I think good friends don't alienate their friends just because they don't make it to one special event. As is so often said on here 'it's an invitation, not a summons'.

I missed the weddings of two of my best friends. They are still two of my best friends.

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