Alternative ways of raising a family can be positive?

[Randomnameforme]

Posting here for traffic. I'm expecting a baby and DH and I have discussed that at some point in the next 3 years we will need to move to upsize from our small flat in London. This has obviously prompted me to think about our lives, where we will live in the future etc etc. (I caveat this whole post by acknowledging how lucky we are to own our own home and have these choices). I've never been one of those people with a really clear idea of, say, a dream home, or dream location etc, and neither has DH, but we both enjoy living in the city at present, as long as we can still have the luxury of getting out to the country from time to time and travelling with the DC which we love doing. Aside from that no major pull to any specific area as we don't have close families. Obviously for the next move we will be considering schools in the decision-making process.

I've been looking on here at the property forums and see a lot of MN users saying how important it is to move to the right area when child is young so that they make roots with primary school friends who they carry through till secondary etc. I hear a lot about DC needing stability / friendships etc, which I completely get. But this makes me think that quite soon, we would need to choose an area where we intend to stay for perhaps the next 20 years... and I don't know if I feel ready or able to do that! To me that feels quite scary and 'middle aged' even though I probably AM middle aged - iyswim! One thing which is always a possibility with DH's work is moving to another country and we've always thought we could potentially do this one day, but maybe not. I have also thought about moving out of London one day to another city like Bristol or even Edinburgh to get more from our budget. But I don't have any clear ideas at all and it would very much depend on our work. We don't know if we will still be in / or enjoying our careers by then. DH job is very much tied to the city and mine wouldn't exist outside London, though I have transferable skills. The only thing that DH and I agree on is that we don't want to live in a surburban area anytime soon.

I read a lot of MN forums about house moves etc and sometimes get the impression that all MN users live in lovely cul de sacs in leafy suburban areas and that their futures look pretty sorted. But I know this can't be the case! I feel as if our lack of a really clear vision on our future is not the done thing! I would like to hear from any parents on here who have raised their DC in an alternative way to this - e.g. perhaps travelling, or being a bit more nomadic, not having long term plans, or even moving area more than once when the child is under 11! Has anyone done this and feels is was actually a good thing / successful for their DC? I would find it really helpful to hear about any alternative upbringings other than living in the same area through primary and secondary, and how you have made this work for your family?

I’d hate to live in the suburbs. I grew up in the suburbs of a small city overseas and it was just about tolerable (mostly because I went to school 15 minutes away in town and spent most of my time in town with friends etc). I wouldn’t want to do it in Britain (I have tried, it was truly grim). At the moment I live in a market town which is nice and commute into London which is doable although a pain. Might move again in the future but our children go to a private school so it doesn’t matter where we live and the cohort will go to different schools for senior school anyway so we’d be tied to the current school for 10 years max (although there is a boarding house so could hypothetically move sooner but I’m not keen on such early boarding).

I’ve always approached it as being somewhere that being stuck would be ok, not necessarily that there is a definite plan to stay in one place. A year ago we were looking at an overseas relocation. That didn’t work out so we moved house within the area. I thought our old house might have been a forever home but I don’t think like that any more. This house could be, but it also might not be

I moved from the city I was born in when my dd was 2 years. It was and still is the biggest mistake I've ever made. I thought bringing my dcs by the sea would be better I was completely wrong. Don't move especially if you don't feel comfortable with it. If I could go back to the people I know and places I know I would.

@Thatagain thanks for your comment. Well we've got to move home because our flat will be too small. We're not in love with our local area, but do love London - so that what makes it all very open and uncertain.

Can you move to the outskirts of London so you have more space yet can still utilise the city and commute in for work?

Tbh as long as you're not moving every few years and DC have time to feel stable, secure and learn how to form bonds, I wouldn't worry about the possibility of moving again in future. I lived in the same town my whole life and had no friends most of primary. I was that loner kid. The year before secondary I made one friend and we did hang out at first in secondary as we didn't know anyone else, but pretty soon I made friends with some girls I had never met before (and they are still my best friends to this day, saw them both last week).

Perhaps aim to be in the same place for primary, then you can move for secondary? Every family is different and many families don't stay rooted to the same spot for the entirety of their children's lives.

We have moved a lot since the children were born, purely through choice. We left the suburbs of a large city in one country because we were sick of suburbia (very, very boring and limited) and moved to a city centre of a very small city in another country. We also moved to take advantage of a bigger job market (both freelance) in the other country as well as looking for a lifestyle change. We lived very happily in that city for about eight years and enjoyed having so many cultural events and restaurants etc, on our doorstep, although it did have its drawbacks in terms of anti-social behaviour at night, crowds of tourists at certain times of the year, etc, but nowhere is perfect. Then, when our youngest was still in primary school, we made a life-changing decision to move to the opposite end of the country and get a smallholding. Myself and my kids are all pony-mad and now have a herd of six between us. The kids were fed up of city life, had decided they were happier in the countryside and desperately wanted their own ponies. Eldest was in her first year of senior school and was putting up with some horrific bullying so she couldn't care less about moving, she said she wasn't leaving any friends behind. I was worried as they didn't have any experience of living in the country and I couldn't be sure it would suit them but it turned out to be a good move. They settled quickly in school, finding they had a lot in common with their country peers and have thrown themselves into the local riding scene. They are clever girls with no SEN so we didn't have to worry about LA funding and resources, which can be an issue in some rural areas, they settled quickly into new schools and they have had a lot of support from their small rural school, which has excellent pastoral care. We live about an hour and a half from a major city though, so can still enjoy aspects of city life - we just can't walk to them anymore. This is probably our last move - the girls love country living and are vehement they don't want to live in a town again and we would have to give up our animals (the menagerie has grown waaay beyond six ponies!). Moving so much can be unsettling but overall it has benefited us - the last move let us pay off our mortgage as we moved to a cheaper area and that has a direct impact on our children, in that we can now help them get through uni debt free. That is a long way of saying - you do you. Live where you want to live, raise your kids however you want to raise them. There is no rule book you have to follow. As posters have mentioned, you can pick a 'perfect' place to raise your kids, doesn't mean they are going to have 'perfect' childhoods. We are very lucky though as we both work from home, so it doesn't matter where we live as long as we have good broadband.

We chose an area so knew it was NW but this is a huge area,
drew a circle and blindfolded stuck a pin in the map.
Ended up here and made it work, have moved loads of times though, hasn't affected the kids, but they don't have friends from nursery or Primary. You make new friends as you go through life, past friendships aren't important.
Live where you like and how you like, life is too short to live by others values.

I don't worry about stuff like this at all tbh - DH and pack up and move all the time - we are currently somewhat settled in a 2bed in London and are currently ttc - we may go back to Ireland to settle at some point - maybe not! Possible we may go to Canada (Dh company has an office there & one in Amsterdam)

We have lived in Ireland, UK, Canada, New York, France, Vietnam & Cambodia! We are not really the stay in one place type of couple

Husband will be able to take a 3month break (sabbatical I suppose) from work next year and we plan to rent the flat out and go off travelling for the 3 months (hopefully with baby if it all works out for us)

We really don't know where we will return to live after that ! The kids will just start school wherever we happen to be living at the time and they can move schools if we move!

I know this kind of lifestyle isn't for everyone but that's what we are going to do for at least the next few years! Ireland is most likely the final stop (if we ever tire of our nomadic life as our families are all there) :)

Our children have two mums, does that count? It certainly impacts on them, how they're being raised and how the outside world interacts with them.
They're fine by they way, absolutely fine.

I wouldn't worry about moving your kids around. Sure it's easier when preschool but it's not like as soon as they start you are stuck there! Mine moved in y2 and y4, and we'll move again for sixth form. I moved to another country in Y3.
Your happiness and fulfilment is as important as your future children's. Just maybe not move them every other year...

My dad was frequently expatriated to different countries growing up, and I'd say that I probably had the best childhood imaginable! We've lived in Germany, Switzerland, Singapore, and New Zealand, and even now as a grown up, it's wonderful to be able to travel to these countries and meet up with friends from when I studied there.

Never had a problem with socialising either because the schools we went to were all very welcoming — within a week or so of stepping in as the 'new kid', I'd pretty much already have a solid group of friends to do sport and hang out with!

I moved countries as a child. And an adult. Suits me fine. I adapt quickly, good at languages, like new things, extrovert, stoic. My brother suffered.

DD is like me. We could move house tomorrow and she'd be great. Another child wouldn't.

Until your child arrives, you don't know what they need.

Depends on how secure you and DH are when the child arrives. You are their constant and stability.

We’ve moved and stayed local but one DC moved schools in year 5 because of class issues, she was much happier another DD moved schools for 6th form, she was the only one to move, choice of two schools. It was almost a shock to her current school!

We are their stability, they know they can move if they need too, and aren’t afraid of fitting it or making friends. Schools are mostly the same anywhere. Kids tend to be welcoming and friendly. Just the odd kid!

I have a different experience of being moved around a lot when I was young. I was an army kid and hated moving every couple of years. Always having the say goodbye to friends, always having to 'fit in' with the new crowd at a new school, always having a different accent, never feeling like I belonged.

As I result I have stayed put with my kids and won't ever ask them to move schools. My Y8 DD has the same best friend since reception, which is really beautiful. Moving house all the time meant that I could never have those experiences.

We moved from London to a smaller city when DS was 2, and moved areas within that city after a year. We don't really want to move again for the foreseeable but either my job or DH's Visa situation (spousal Visa process is scary) might make that decision for us. We spend as much time as we can in his home country too and it's not out of the question we might live there one day.

You're not talking about living a really chaotic, toothless lifestyle here - just having an open-ended view of how things might turn out which is the case for a lot of people. Life is messy and unpredictable - even if you did have a set view of what you wanted there's no guarantee at all that it would all turn out that way. Jobs change, your needs change, your priorities amd circumstances change - no harm at all in leaving space for that.

*rootless! Bloody hell...

Although @Hotcuppatea that's not an absolute. I went to visit a friend in Europe who has been my friend for three decades recently. We haven't lived in the same country for most of that time. And neither of us stayed in the same country for the whole time either!

DD has lived in same same house for almost ten years, her entire life, and doesn't have a 'best friend' at her school.

DD has lived in same same house for almost ten years, her entire life, and doesn't have a 'best friend' at her school.

This is a very good point. Every child is different. That being said though, I'd argue that living and socialising in different environments actually do benefit MOST children. Strictly anecdotal, but in uni, I noticed that the kids who have experienced life in different countries especially tend to be the ones who had more confidence, were more willing to try new things, and were overall better at thinking outside of the box when compared to those who have stayed in one place all their life.

I think that can be circular. It's actually partially genetic, there is a 'wanderlust gene' (science lite). Means that travelling parents will have travelling kids who are more adaptable generally.

I think you beed to decide what is important to you and do that. For some people, having one home that they will raise kids and live forever is important. Others will have different dreams and move around to fulfill them. I live in an area where everyone lives close to family, kids will stay local and settling is important. But that’s not important to me and, actually, I want my kids to have bigger horizons. You get to choose, don’t feel pressured by other people’s ideas!

I have relatives abroad. Dcs are 5 and 2. Home ed and spend a lot of time with relatives - they have been away from us with relatives for 3-6 week stretches (not regularly, just for occasional holidays) but they are fine. We have a home we hope we won’t move from but may decide to spend longer stretches of time with relatives/travelling. It will also depend on the kids - how they feel, if they want to go to school etc. Figure out what fits you and your family - and be prepared for change!

We moved to Germany. Look at any expat type forum and you'll find loads and loads of parents who move around for work or just because they like travelling. I have some friends who are settled here because they have married locals or studied here or whatever, and some who just find it part of them to move around and be "citizens of the world". I think it is hugely positive for the DC. They get experience of multiple cities, cultures and language sometimes. Of course there are downsides as well like anything but life is too short to have a boring one.