To seriously question best friend's judgement and find this quite worrying? O.L.D.

[1000years]

My best friend has started doing online dating recently.

She has a history of picking "bad boys". She only likes them if they're a bit brooding and off with her. The minute they are nice to her, she goes off them. She says this herself.

AIBU to think this is just asking for trouble when she goes OLD?

Recently, she took a shine to someone she'd been on some dates with. He was apparently cold and detached, so you know sexy stuff .

She went on a date with him and he asked her back to hers. She went, although she didn't want to have sex with him. He said "come back and I won't try anything". This turned out to be bollocks and he very much did try anything. He didn't assault her, but he was very reluctant to take no for an answer. She left the next morning and they didn't really speak again, which sent her into a tail spin of "what happened"? My opinion? He is a sleazy guy who was reluctant to take no for an answer and omg you dodged a bullet.

She dated another guy who really likes her, sounds very nice...no, not for her. Too nice.

Then another creepy guy on the scene. So many red flags. I kept telling her not to go near him, but she kept in touch with him. Just WHY? He was so blatantly creepy. Anyway, luckily his not terribly convincing mask fell before they met up and she decided not to meet him. Later she said she wasn't seriously considering making him her partner, but she just wanted to go for a drink with him.

I don't know if I'm being a fuddy duddy, but I'm seriously starting to worry about her OLD.

FWIW, she is absolutely not sexually liberated and up for a fuck buddy situation or ONS. She is actually quite prudish - way more than I am and keeps saying she wants to settle down and have children with someone.

Aibu to worry?

If it matters, she is 31 and has a very serious, grown up job, well educated etc.

O.L.D......the odds are good but the goods are odd.

😂😂😂

Sorry, I know MN hates that emoticon, but I happen to hate this .

Well...yes, that's as may be...but all of them? I know a few couples who met OLD. Surely there are some good 'uns out there? No?

And if the goods (men?) are all odd, then I should be worried yes?

I would just find her too irritating in general.

She wants to find a guy to settle down with and marry but she is openly going after sleazy men? What other outcome does she expect? She is way too old to be this silly.

She's putting herself in real danger, isn't she?

When she admits she has a habit of choosing bad boys, doesn't she acknowledge that this hasn't worked out well for her?

When she admits she has a habit of choosing bad boys, doesn't she acknowledge that this hasn't worked out well for her?

Do you know, I don't think she sees the link! She just thinks "I fancy this one, because he's not very nice. I don't fancy this one anymore because he was nice to me". It is so infuriating but if I get annoyed with her she goes all silent and "I don't like your reaction", so I have to tread carefully.

I am told online dating might have moved on now Gen Z is on the scene. My late teen/early 20s DCs have told me online dating and apps are basically ordering sex. They compared it to JustEat....that it is all JustFuck apps.
They basically said to me that you don’t meet future partners online anymore. And they know everything better than their frumpy old mother who did online dating last century.

Hmmmm I'm sure they're right plan. She hasn't had sex with anyone yet though.

The choosing bad boys is worrisome. She try choosing a firefighter or police officer or armed forces. These are men that live a bit dangerously but to help society, not be a creep or criminal.

Yes, I see what you mean. She definitely chooses educated guys in good professions. Their bad boy status isn't because they're thieves or drug dealers. It's that they are aloof and cold towards her personally. You get those sorts in any profession. Except maybe a kids tv presenter.

She goes silent and says she doesn’t like your reaction? Is she a bit prone to drama? Is it an equal friendship? I’d find it tiresome trending on eggshells all the time! Does she want your advice, or is it just that she’s talking about it and it’s hard to respond in a way that isn’t “errr well that sounds like a shit idea”

Lol. I did not mean criminal in that way. I meant in terms of sex attacks because she’s put herself at risk from what you describe. And we know that sexual predators can be any level education or earnings.

Maybe she is afraid of someone falling for her? If you don’t feel the same way, it can be scary and stressful dealing with someone who is almost obsessed with you. Perhaps she feels safer if she knows she is not being put on a pedestal of being a soul mate.

It would help if she would talk about it though.

Well, we talk a lot. We are very close. So her dating comes up a lot and we do discuss who she's interested in etc. It isn't all we talk about, but it does come up.

So with the latest guy, she had told me a few things he had asked her and I thought (and said) oh god he sounds massively creepy and i don't believe him when he says he is a top engineer. All fine and she seemed to think the same. Next thing, she's chatting to him again and he's said and asked something even creepier and I said "jesus, block, block, super creepy", but not taking it too seriously, thinking it was one of those funny OLD stories about a slightly odd guy who you are never meeting up with. Then today she said she was talking to him again and was arranging a date, but then he'd become angry with her because she wasn't replying quickly enough. So, only then did she tell him no, she didn't want to meet up. At that point I will admit I said "ffs, how can someone so clever be so stupid about men". No, not my finest hour and not helpful, but we are very close friends. We are very direct with each other and she would say similar to me if I was being foolish. Anyway, that's when she took the hump. Fair enough maybe, but also disguising the problem which is that I think she is putting herself in actual danger.

I said look, I'm sorry about how I said it, but you have to stop putting yourself in risky situations.

Even if it isn't all that likely she will actually be in physical danger, then why put herself in the way of horrible men? Even if it's just emotional pain?

She waited till this guy sent angry messages before she decided going off to meet him might be a bad idea. Yes, just messages and at least she then decided not to meet him, but it honestly makes me think she is a terribly worrying combination of naive with terrible taste in men.

She has a 'type'. And it's probably based on her own low self esteem. She doesn't think she 'deserves' a nice man. Her subconscious thought processes are "Hmm, if he treats me nice there must be something wrong with HIM because I don't deserve to be treated nicely".

I speak from personal experience. And it took me 18 months of counseling to realize that it was my own low self esteem that made me pick 'bad boys' and abusers.

The thing is that there is no way you can change what she thinks of herself and she has to want to stop picking shit men. I finally got tired of being in shitty relationships. She apparently isn't 'there' yet.

She try choosing a firefighter or police officer or armed forces. These are men that live a bit dangerously but to help society, not be a creep or criminal.

Since when were fire fighters, servicemen and the police exempt from being creeps? Or even criminals.

I think you're right acrossthepond. As another friend joked about themselves, it's like the Groucho Marx "I would never be a member of a club who would let me in" thing.

The thing is that there is no way you can change what she thinks of herself and she has to want to stop picking shit men. I finally got tired of being in shitty relationships. She apparently isn't 'there' yet.

True, but then, I might have to stop talking about it with her as she is worrying the hell out of me. She doesn't accept that she is ever in danger. I disagree.

Why on earth did she stay over on the first date when she knew she didn't want sex? She's giving off a very mixed message and potentially placing herself in a lot of danger.

She needs to really question her boundaries.

Bad boys usually aren't capable of having a decent relationship. Your friend would do well to consider some counselling to work through what qualities she wants from a potential partner and future father to her children. Why would anyone deliberately pick someone who's going to be a shit partner and even worse, a shit father.

I think she needs to stop online dating and have some counselling to find out why she only really respects men who want to treat women badly. There must be something there in her past that's made her think that and until she sorts it, she won't be happy.

If she won't have counselling, would it be sensible to maybe introduce her to the Mumsnet Dating forum? She could chat about her dating experiences on there and maybe get some opinions (that aren't from you) about her choices in men. It may need some outside opinions from people who don't know her before the truth comes home. And, in fact, it may never do.

selma, it was cold out and she didn't want to do the journey home. He lived nearby. I think she wasn't thinking 100% straight, as she had been drinking (not a lot - she barely drinks).

I did say after that, even if he had been honest about not trying anything / expecting anything, would that not have been really awkward? Like a cosy sleepover with a man you're interested in, but who you really don't know.

I have tried to get her to go on the MN OLD thread. I don't think she has though.

If she wants a relationship, and start a family, why is she choosing guys who so obviously don't want that? Why doesn't she like a guy who is nice to her?

She really needs some serious counselling, because she's trying to punish herself for something. Perhaps you should talk to her about why she's doing that, and suggest she sees somebody to get to the bottom of it.

I also think you should tell her you're really scared that she's going to get attacked, so until she has counselling, and stops this risky behaviour, you'd rather she didn't speak to you about her dating experiences.