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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can anyone please help me I'm so unhappy.

24 replies

FrankieDoyle · 10/01/2020 11:22

AIBU seems to get loads more traffic.
I'm at my wits end emotionally.

I posted a few months ago about my husband who walked out on me and our marriage back in February. We got divorced in September.

I'm so sad. I know he was a selfish man (he lied a lot, cheated on me twice and was unbearably inconsistent which played havoc with my mental health) but I'm still so SAD all the time. I'm grieving for a future I thought I'd have.
He was a shit but I still miss him SO MUCH right now.
We were together for 15 years and a lot of it was happy although a lot of it was miserable too (I guess 50/50).

I recently found out that he'd met a woman (his now girlfriend) in a coffee shop and given her his number back in January while we were still together. They'd "texted" a few times but "didn't get together until after he'd left."
Angry

This is the man who lied to me, cheated twice (three times?) And eventually walked out on me leaving me heartbroken and on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Why do I miss him so much?
I keep having vivid dreams of my memories with him. Then I'm calling out for him and searching for him and cant find him. Then I wake up in tears every night.
This has been happening nearly every night for the past week.
I cried all day yesterday looking at wedding pictures and Facebook memories.

I do suffer from anxiety and depression which is controlled by medication. And I suffer terribly from SAD and struggling with the dark nights at the moment.
Do you think this is making it worse?
Will I always feel like this?

Last night I was outside on my balcony staring into the darkness and just felt like jumping.
I cant bear a future if I'm constantly going to feel like this.
I feel so weak and pathetic.

OP posts:
antisupermum · 10/01/2020 12:06

In the short term you need to make an urgent appointment with your GP and tell them about your suicidal thoughts/idealisations. That needs to be your priority. You mention being on AD already so they should be taking this matter seriously. Its not weak or pathetic to be distressed over the end of a marriage or any relationship where you had expectations. It is so often that we grieve for the life we thought we would have, rather than the person involved. So, you have nothing to feel bad about.

I'm afraid I don't have any single phrase or comment to make that will make you feel better quickly. These things quite simply take time. It doesn't sound like he is much of a loss to you; you are likely just frightened of so much change happening so quickly and this will be intensified by your anxiety and depression at the moment. But, and I speak from personal experience, things really do get better. You will come out the other side of this and look back and think "I am so glad I am not with someone who treated me like that anymore. I'm glad I hung on in there and came out the other side". It sounds Hallmark-y, but it's the truth. You will adapt to the change and you will be stronger and better off for it.

In terms of pro-active things; book that GP appointment. Go for a walk. Clear your head and think of two or three things that you would like to do for yourself. It could be a destination you would like to visit. It could be a restaurant you fancy trying. It could be a fitness class you want to join, or a friend you would like to get back in touch with. Think of how you can achieve these things, and give your mind something else to focus on. Positive things, hopeful things that are just about making you happy.

Skysblue · 10/01/2020 12:10

You are not pathetic. You tried really hard at a marriage with someone who let you down and made you unhappy. This was not your fault.

You had a plan for a great future with him but, through no fault of your own, that future is not going to happen. It is normal to be sad and grieve that.

That said, you CAN still have a great future. Perhaps with some other lovely man you haven’t met yet, perhaps single but surrounded by fun friends. These are things within your control and you can make a great future happen. It will take time but not necessarily lots of time.

It is normal to sometimes feel like jumping. The trick is to not jump. Please talk to someone in real life, ideally a counsellor who can suggest strategies for managing your way towards the future you want. If you can’t afford a counsellor try a vicar or the Samaritans phone line.

Think about what makes you happy. Little things. Get nice food, nice socks, nice books. A pet? A holiday? Stop looking at past photos and thinking about texts etc. Go outside to stuff you enjoy. Walks? Art galleries? A singing club? Writing groups? Think about what within you has been stifled that you can now allow to flourish. What did you enjoy as a child? Meetup.com for ideas. Avoid things that will make you feel more lonely (exercise classes can be terrible for this!)

And yes the dark days are making it worse. Things will seem much better in Spring.

Hugs xx

Original poster
FrankieDoyle · 10/01/2020 12:12

Thank you for your message and your good advice Flowers

OP posts:
FirmlyRooted · 10/01/2020 12:14

You are grieving, grieving for the loss of a life you hoped for rather than your ex. Let yourself be upset, healing takes time. Be kind to yourself, do something nice for yourself every day. Little by little you will heal.

Hang in there, it will take time but you still have your life ahead of you Flowers

Original poster
FrankieDoyle · 10/01/2020 12:15

Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
Tana433 · 10/01/2020 12:25

You are grieving for a life you had and a future you lost. I understand as i was married for 17 years before we divorced. It was the best thing i every did, i am re-married (5 years) and my children are happy, well adjusted adults but.............sometimes i just get this terrible sadness when i remember the good times we used to have. I had far more in common with him than i do with my now hubsband eg, music, films, comedians we find funny but i know he wasnt right for me. You just have to go through it and come out the other side stronger, he was part of your history and always will be. I wish you peace.

BlueSuffragette · 10/01/2020 12:29

I'm so sorry you feel so sad. I think you need to book an urgent appointment with your GP. Do yourself a big favour and lock away your wedding album and photographs. You need to focus on the future not the past. It hurts I know. If you start to think of him try and focus on the fact he treated you so badly. Try and distract yourself and do something for you. Have a walk in the fresh air, get a dog go out rather than staying in the house. Best of luck x

andyjusthangingaround · 10/01/2020 12:35

@FrankieDoyle - handhold Flowers

Cannot give you other advice, than time is the best healer. Be kind to yourself!
He was not worth it but you do - onwards and upwards! Smile

Spacedust1 · 10/01/2020 12:44

Handhold to you Flowers it is so hard because you are grieving for the future you thought you had all planned out and also distressed that he has let you down so badly. These things take time and lots of self care to help you come through it.
Please do see your GP re any potential suicidal thoughts asap.
The Samaritans are a wonderful source of support too 116 123

UndertheCedartree · 10/01/2020 12:52

You are not unreasonable, atall. Please speak to your GP - you may need your meds tweaked or talking therapy might help.

For you Flowers

Amaretto · 10/01/2020 12:56

On the top of your GP, I would consider counselling if you can afford it.

BlueJava · 10/01/2020 13:02

I was married for a few years and we divorced - he had been awful to me. But after he left I felt bereft and so sad. But I think I was pining for the future that I thought we could have (but couldn't because he was such a shit) if you see what I mean. I also think that whilst you're in a relationship it fills time - even if not pleasantly all the time! When you split you are at a lost because all the things that have taken up your time (even if they weren't great) did keep you going.

Others have given good advice and please don't feel you're pathetic. Just as I did you will also feel better after you have got through this patch that feels so awful. Good luck and here's to better times. Be kind to yourself - it will get better!

thesuninsagittarius · 10/01/2020 13:05

@FrankieDoyle just wanted to send you love and support. I felt exactly the same way that you are feeling now. I couldn't see a future for myself. I dreamed about him and grieved for the man I thought he was. Like your ex he went straight to someone else but 'they didn't get together until after we'd split.' Everything you are feeling is normal, and you will go through this period and come out the other side. Let people help, see your GP and they can refer you to a counsellor or the local mental health team. The support I recieved from mine was fantastic. Look after yourself, you're not alone, and there will be a good and calm life ahead of you, with no abusive arsehole in it. Thyinking of you.

Original poster
FrankieDoyle · 10/01/2020 13:26

I'm so touched by you people who have taken time to respond . It's made me feel quite emotional Flowers

OP posts:
Coughgate · 10/01/2020 13:26

Oh I know how awful it all is! Not the same situation but I have split with my husband a week ago and I never actually thought it would come to this! There was fault on his part and i could have been a better wife but its really hard, the plans are gone, the future, the person you thought you knew, the ideal happy family, the thoughts of being together and dying together, the shame, the jealousy of other couples, the thinking if i had just put up with any faults i would be happier than i am now. I don't have any advice as i am going through it myself, currently homeless living on an airbed with 2 children at my mums, i lay there at night not being able to believe how everything has turned upside down and blaming myself, i cry so hard, not eaten properly for a week and have been smoking!

Original poster
FrankieDoyle · 10/01/2020 13:27

I have a good support network (mum who loves me and a close relationship with my brother).

I've also started dating someone who is absolutely lovely.
Taking things very slowly . He understands how I feel at the moment and is very patient and loving.

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 10/01/2020 13:28

All I can say really is you can't bear the future because hou can't see what it can be at the moment.

I have severe long term mental health issues and know when I'm low like you are there just is no fucking light to guide me. I can't see anything through the darkness so I can't see the positives or the possibilities for the future.

get to the gp and just take each few hours as it comes don't think past say the next meal, so you just focus on the next couple of hours and don't think past it. So I need to make a phone call then put the kettle on and then I can have some lunch then that's all you do nothing else matters.

Things will get better and you just have to hold on until the light comes back on.

Oh and remember you are enough just you as you are, you don't need a partner to have a good life. You can have everything you want because you and only you are worth it. You were fine before him, before you were ever an us you were a perfect and lovely you and you will be again once you remember who you were before.

Original poster
FrankieDoyle · 10/01/2020 13:29

@Coughgate

Oh I'm so sorry! Its horrible isn't it .

I have started smoking too Hmm Not sure why. It's such a bad habit.
Hugs to you x

OP posts:
Original poster
FrankieDoyle · 10/01/2020 13:31

@Ginkypig

Hugs to you. Holding hands with you in the darkness.

OP posts:
Coughgate · 10/01/2020 13:33

FrankieDoyle I know i dont know if the smoking is some kind of pathetic rebel thing! Plus it gives me a head rush so I just feel like 'fuck it' for about 2 minutes.

Sending love it is sooooo hard, i cannot even see a happy future. Keep going, hold your head high, make sure you look great and let your ex husband regret losing you xx

Ginkypig · 10/01/2020 14:05

frankie you are lovely aren't you.

Il hold out the torch I hope you find the light soon.

Original poster
FrankieDoyle · 11/01/2020 19:59

Thank you so much.

OP posts:
FirmlyRooted · 11/01/2020 21:04

@OP how are you today?

Original poster
FrankieDoyle · 12/01/2020 20:33

@FirmlyRooted

Thank you for asking...I'm not doing well today.
Been crying all day.

OP posts:
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