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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the teacher handled this badly?

26 replies

CroissantsAtDawn · 10/01/2020 08:18

Before Christmas my 8 year old's class pulled names out of a hat for a secret santa. Presents were exchanged yesterday.

I asked him many times but he was unable to give me an indication of price range for this present. There were no details in his homework diary.

I contacted 4 different parents, including the class rep, and all of them replied
"I don't know how much. I'm guessing 5-7 euros/less than 10/max 12/have no clue".

DS was upset last night because he didn't have a present. I assumed the other child had forgotten it, but no. DS opened his present, the teacher saw it and said it was too big/expensive and took it off him and gave it back to the giver (G), telling G to bring a smaller/cheaper one in on Monday.

DS was so upset and convinced he wouldn't have one.

I know G's mum so texted casually just to check the story (because it seemed unbelievable) but she confirmed it! Said she was as astonished as I was but that G had chosen it specifically for DS (they are friends). The present was 12-13 euros so not very expensive.

G is going to give the present back to DS after school today but AIBU to think the teacher should not take a present off a child? She could have just gently said to G that it was a bit "big", although she never specified a price range...Instead, she left DS feeling upset and G feeling embarassed.

To add a tiny bit of context. There was one other child who didn't get a present...the one who was meant to get one from the teacher because she forgot...!!!

OP posts:
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 10/01/2020 08:20

Teacher sounds a bit of an idiot.

BadnessInTheFolds · 10/01/2020 08:23

The whole thing sounds like it wasn't thought through very well. This is the first year I've heard of teacher-organised class secret Santa and I think it's rife with potential problems.

Original poster
CroissantsAtDawn · 10/01/2020 08:34

Yes I was surprised when I saw the secret santa in his homework diary, as I knew it could go so wrong.

I've had trouble with DS and school for weeks now - he hates going, and this teacher has a reputation for being a "screamer" for the slightest misdemeanor (e.g. dropping a pencil).

I'm not going to complain but I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking its odd.

Although I am interested in knowing why IABU to some posters?

OP posts:
Glitterfisher · 10/01/2020 08:35

Every year the teachers at my boys school organise a secret santa. They specify an amount and give them plenty of time to bring it it. Perfectly simple to sort out.

I think the teacher has behaved terribly and forgetting their present is awful!

beautifulstranger101 · 10/01/2020 08:37

Teacher is an idiot. With things like this you have to make sure everyone gets a present as its not fair otherwise and it makes the kids with poorer parents stand out- hardly very inclusive. Also- she "forgot"? How lame is that?

Owlsintowels · 10/01/2020 08:43

YADNBU
Teacher sounds useless / a wanker depending how generous you want to be

BreatheAndFocus · 10/01/2020 08:48

Teacher didn’t specify a price range.
Teacher only realised this when she saw the more expensive present.
Teacher covers up her own mistake by snatching said present.
Teacher is an idiot.

I wouldn’t complain but I would say something to her.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 10/01/2020 08:49

This was always going to be fraught with potential problems unless the teacher had set a very low budget. No budget at all, but then to complain about a higher spend, is ludicrous.

Although I am interested in knowing why IABU to some posters?

3%? The result is damn near unanimous. Based on the number of votes, that’s one poster. Don’t sweat on that versus 97% who think you’re right.

HoppingPavlova · 10/01/2020 08:51

These things are fraught with peril.
Memorable occasion when one of mine (junior high) brought home a gift worth hundreds of dollars. The specified limit was $20.
On opening the gift everyone oooh’d and arhhh’d and teacher asked giver why they had not listened to limit. Child had said they understood limit but they and their parents felt sorry for my child because of (specified disability) so they definitely wanted to spend the $$. I got a phone call from the school giving me the heads up, apologising and saying ‘sometimes these things go wrong’.

beautifulstranger101 · 10/01/2020 08:52

Although I am interested in knowing why IABU to some posters?

Oh dont give that a second thought- people are contrary. You could ask the question "AIBU to volunteer with a homeless charity - i'd really like to give something back to my community" and some twat would say yes.

Christmaspug · 10/01/2020 08:58

Silly cow of a teacher ,I’d mention it higher up

GiveHerHellFromUs · 10/01/2020 09:04

The teacher probably voted YABU Wink
She sounds like a knobhead.

If I was organising something like that I'd have bought a couple of 'spare' presents in case a gift was forgotten or unsuitable.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 10/01/2020 09:04

As in, if I was the teacher

cstaff · 10/01/2020 09:05

How did the teacher not know that the item in question wasn't on special offer and fitted into the specified rate perfectly. Silly cow and really small minded.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 10/01/2020 09:09

Teacher behaved stupidly with your son, but that poor kid she forgot to get a present for! Jesus. I’d complain personally.

FranticToddlerMum · 10/01/2020 09:15

Well I wouldn't make a huge issue of it but it does sound like a badly thought out idea.

OkMaybeNot · 10/01/2020 09:23

That 4% are probably teachers who messed up their class' secret santa Grin

I bet she won't be doing it again this year.

Original poster
CroissantsAtDawn · 10/01/2020 09:53

Lol

I too would have bought back up presents if I'd been the teacher just in case!

We're in an affluent area too, birthday presents at parties tend to be around the 30 euro mark (which we find excessive, especially given the number of parties) so that was why I really wanted an idea of how much to spend!

OP posts:
lanthanum · 10/01/2020 10:01

What beats me is why, if the teacher had forgotten, she didn't postpone the opening to the next day. She could have said "not everyone's brought them in yet" without saying who!
Clearly wasn't actually a SECRET Santa anyway, if the givers are known.

recrudescence · 10/01/2020 10:09

I'm not going to complain

Where would be the fun in that? Especially if you found out there was another side to the story. No, much more satisfying to sit back and listen to other posters calling your child’s teacher an idiot or wanker or cow or knobhead.

I think threads like these, and there are plenty of them, are truly fucking hideous.

Original poster
CroissantsAtDawn · 10/01/2020 10:21

"Where would be the fun in that? Especially if you found out there was another side to the story."

The 2 children involve tell the same story.

What other side could there be?

DS did not come home with a present.

G did come home with the present (opened) much to his mum's bemusement.

OP posts:
WhatchaMaCalllit · 10/01/2020 10:34

@CroissantsAtDawn - based on your opening post mentioning Euros and Secret Santa, I'm guessing you're somewhere based in Ireland? If you are, I would recommend going in and having a chat with the teacher. Go early and if necessary make an appointment to have a chat when school is finished for the day.
Go in with bullet points
1 - no advice on price point was given to the children
2 - a gift is a gift and not for someone else to determine whether it is too mean or too expensive (see point 1)
3 - if the teacher is involved in the secret santa, then all gifts must be shared before Christmas and no one is left out.
4 - if it is supposed to be secret, she shouldn't have taken the gift from your son and handed it back to G in front of anyone. She shouldn't have taken it back at all but definitely not in front of everyone.

The teacher probably thought she was doing a nice thing but it would need to be properly organised or not at all in future.

As for your teacher being a screamer, I had a time where one of my kids had a teacher that after the first day in her class, she made my cheerful, happy-go-lucky child into an anxious mess (couldn't sleep, uncontrollable sobbing crying at night and so on) so much so that I had to go in as I was seeing a different child overnight to the one that had been in the same school since junior infants. It was amazing. I just had to let the teacher know that the way she was talking to my child wasn't going to be acceptable and that if during family conversations my child mentioned how teacher was shouting/screaming at the class, that would have been enough for me to make an appointment with the Headmistress and to take things further. Nothing further was necessary, thank goodness, but sometimes you may have to give them notice that they can't continue the way they are.

beautifulstranger101 · 10/01/2020 10:38

Where would be the fun in that? Especially if you found out there was another side to the story

Some (note I said some, not all) teachers are just shit. I'm not sure why we should all think everything a teacher does is blameless and perfect. There are bad people in every profession. Someone posted recently that a teacher had been caught hitting her disabled son (by two witnesses) and it was now being investigated by the police. I guess there are two sides to every story thought right? Geez.

Crabbitstick · 10/01/2020 11:28

Schools shouldn’t be doing secret Santa. It is unreasonable to put parents under this unnecessary financial pressure.

ChocolateTea · 10/01/2020 11:37

I do secret santa with my class, because they ask to do it, but it's an organisational nightmare.

I email home to parents before, advising them it's happening, students can opt out, and it's £5 max

Then the students draw names. I spend time chasing to make sure presents are brought in

I then spend at least £30 on extra gifts to replace unsuitable ones/ones forgotten/ones due to illness/ones where students signed up but parents didn't end up getting something

But on the other hand, seeing the students receive them makes them all happy, so I let them request it again each year (secondary form group)

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