Terrified of ex taking me to court for access, what’s the process ?

[Cannonhalls]

In short have a DD who’s just turned 1.

Her father left me when I was pregnant, wasn’t involved in her care for the first few months then I stupidly took him back.
In September he then left again after a series of arguments Because I found cocaine in our home. The home I also share with my 5 year old from previous relationship.

Ex is sporadic in when he makes an effort, very hit and miss. Upto now he’s never had DD over night or even for a full day. He hasn’t paid child support in months.

Due to how inconsistent he is I found my backbone when my daughter was hospitalised over Christmas and have said he can call round to see her or we can meet, but until I have assurances cocaine abuse has stopped and he realises maintenance is essential I don’t think it’s in her best interests to get shipped off to his. She doesn’t particularly know him as I’ve said- she’s always been with me.
I need to know if I’m being unreasonable. For me cocaine is a massive thing. I had children in my home. I took photos the first time I found it ( there were a few times ) but he is saying this isn’t enough evidence to prove he uses. I know he uses.
What do I do?
I’m worried sick because he’s saying he’s going to take me to court for access. Is there anything I should be doing?
I’m a single mum of 2 kids working part time so paying a solicitor isn’t something I really have the option to do
I’m worried, he’s so manipulative towards me. He called round to see her tonight and very calmly told me I should go to the doctors and speak to them Becayse I’m making the cocaine thing up. I have the screenshots on my phone of the conversations of me telling my friends I found it. I’m worried he’s going to manipulate this entire situation

You don’t need a solicitor. Let him take you to court. The courts are very keen for dads to be involved so he will get access probably leading to overnights when she is a bit older. I don’t think they force it till 2. If you have concerns about drug use raise it with CAfcass who will contact you before you go to court. They can demand drug testing.

Please try not to worry the courts process is not hard just keep calm and make sure you are talking about the best interest of your child.

Don’t mention maintenance in court. They don’t care if he is paying or not and frown upon mums who say dads can have contact of they pay maintenance, it’s a seoerate issue. Phobe CMS and start a maintenance claim.

Good luck

Thankyou, so with the process could he literally summons me to court ? And a judge would decide ?
I don’t want it to go against me that I haven’t allowed her to take her the last few weeks he’s been asking, but I haven’t stopped his access

Maybe you should speak to Women's Aid for support too.

I seriously doubt a judge would criticise you for denying access to a druggie. As a dm it's your job to protect her from such risk...
I doubt he will even seek legal advice. Bully boy tactics is all imo.

I think you’re being more than fair and you don’t need a solicitor just yet, if at all as he needs to take you to court for access, the ball is firmly in his court. It doesn’t mean these things will automatically go his way. My ex kept on shooting himself in the foot with his stupid behaviour and bad attitude and court took ages- he had to show he had or was in the process of making changes to his life. I also know other RPs (all mothers) who’s exes either didn’t bother with court at all and quietly fucked off or made such a mess of it all their case was chucked out as the judge overseeing it had had enough of them.

Basically yes. I bet he won’t bother though. He would have to pay and complete paperwork.

I think if you have concerns about drug use you are right to supervise access and if you have not stopped him seeing her completely I don’t think you are doing wrong.

The courts are a process. You can have it all sorted in 1st day if you can come to an agreement or if you can’t it all takes time with several hearings over a long period of time. The judge / magistrates don’t like to make the decision they prefer to have you both work with cafcass and come to a solution between you. They will be keen for him to have access (as long as your child is safe) but they build up to overnights

I will say though keep a record of all contact you have with him, keep it to email and text so there is that evidence of how often you have contact and what it entails, be completely truthful with your concerns and make sure you focus only on how it affects your child’s safety, emotional well-being and security. Write down how each visit or face to face contact went and how you feel he interacted with your child.

Do you honestly think he’ll pay to take you to court?
Definitely contact CMS.

You need to stay calm and make sure as much as possible is "documented".

So even if he is just coming to see her for an hour either email/text confirnation.

Perhaps sit down and think of a regular schedule that woukd suit you/your DD, put it in an email and send it to him.

If he responds in person/verbally, summarise the that conversation in your next email etc.

If you don't think she is safe off site with him, then again a really calm email/text explaining why you think that...

You need a record.

I'll bet he won't bother when he finds out how much it actually costs to do.

Do you think he will go through with it, if he can't be bothered to contact her consistently?

I have no experience of this but it would seem sensible to show a bit of willing (eg suggest a plan to him that starts with him coming round for an hour every saturday and wednesday then progresses to 2 hours with you popping out, then if he sticks to that consistently he can take her out. Make out you are willing to facilitate contact if he is consistent about it. Ask him if he would consider a drugs test to prove he is clean and set your mind at rest.

It sounds like he wont stick to it but he wont be able to tell anyone you've blocked contact, and you will be able to show he hasn't made the effort.

Also I'd make sure you keep absolutely everything in writing. Back up everything you say with an email.

Don't let him get to you. Telling you to go to the doctors shows how nasty he is and how he is trying to get in your head. Try not to interact with him at all apart from it where it concerns your daughter. And try not to react (easier said than done) as remember that's what he wants.

Godsake, for both of your good, you need to stop contact with him. You should not see or speak to him - block him. If you have anything to discuss about DD he can email you. He's manipulating and gaslighting you, he's abusive. Don't give him the opening.

I seriously doubt he will do a damn thing to genuinely get access. His claims he'll do so are part of his manipulation and abuse of you. Abusive fuckwits rarely have the slightest interest in laying out money, changing nappies and curtailing their lifestyle if seeing their child is no longer an opportunity to see (and manipulate and control) the child's mother.

I would block him on everything except email and tell him he can see her by prior arrangement in a neutral place and someone else will do handover (your family member or friend). You have to protect yourself and DD, therefore you can't see him - and if you have any doubts about her safety with him he can't see her without third party supervision either. His interest in seeing her will likely plummet like a stone when his access to you is cut off. Then just wait for him to go to court. I'd lay a reasonable sum it never happens.

You can also request a drug test which he might well back out of... If he comes back with “well I want her to do one too” agree to it. You have nothing to lose and when yours inevitably comes back clean He will look like a dick.

This happened to me and I was raging at first until my solicitor pointed out the above. Even the judge rolled his eyes.

Thanks everyone. I’m just worried, he’s very quick to remind me I’ve been on antidepressants before and my mum committed suicide a few years ago- so he tells me a judge would look down on me as he has a good job and I’m on minimum wage. Just can’t deal with the verbal abuse anymore my 5 year old sees his dad fine we’ve always been fine I’ve never had any concerns

The judges won’t give two hoots about your MH (unless it’s really bad) or your poor mum.

Do you have evidence of him saying this, was it a text?
Don't speak to him, no conversations and certainly don't listen to his bull shit.
Just block him like you would any absent parent.
If/when he gets in touch keep it to your child's interests don't get personal.
So sorry about your mum, it shows what a cunt he is.

He will have to pay and fill out a lot of paperwork unless he’s paying a solicitor to do it for him. He also won’t be able to even apply for a child arrangement order without first trying mediation. You do not have to attend but he has to arrange it.

You will then have an FHDRA to see if you can both agree on arrangements. Which is unlikely or you wouldn’t be there in the first place. If there are accusations of drug abuse, or other types of abuse etc the Magistrates can order a fact finding hearing. They will order CAFCASS do a section 7 report and arrange a second hearing. They will make a temporary order in the mean time. You can push for supervised contact if you have concerns. You will then have further hearings where CAFCASS report will be available. CAFCASS will literally include whatever you tell them. He could say you take Cocaine and they’d write it in their report !! so it seems pointless, but they will speak to the children if they are old enough. Magistrates will go by what CAFCASS recommend contact wise.
If you still have concerns you can refuse contact but then he can have you brought back into court to enforce the existing order. Again he would have to fill in forms and apply for this.

This can go on for years..

Any judge will look down on him more for having a decent job and not paying maintenance for his child.

A judge won't give a toss about that. And anyway, all antidepressants show is that you were being proactive and seeking treatment for a medical issue - that's being a good parent, not a sword to dangle over you.

If you ask for a drug test, make sure you ask for a hair one. Cocaine leaves the blood quickly, but hair tests show anything taken during the length of time the hair has existed. I'd imagine questions will be asked if he has a suddenly shaved head...

Judges dont care about maintenance they want you to go to mediation and not bother them

Go to cms for support and tell him you will happily attend mediation when he arranges it this can be shuttle mediation where you dont see him