DH generosity with in laws/friends

[FruitandIce]

Hi,

We live in a small flat and are hoping to move out soon because space is tight with the kids. I have some decent savings but DH does not. I think he’s a bit too generous with his money e.g. in the last 2 months he’s paid £400 for his parents car insurance (they asked him to find a good quote online and they do offer to pay back but they also know that he never takes the money and the requests for online shopping keep increasing- last year he spent £2k on their medical insurance), he’s given a friend £300 for his wedding gift and his sister £500 on the birth of her baby. Sometimes I feel like it’s his own money so he can do as he pleases with it, but at the same time he’s only managed to save £5k in the last few years which makes moving house difficult for us. I don’t really want to be the only one putting money in towards the next property (In fact my parents contributed a large sum towards the deposit for our current flat so if anything we should be spoiling them with big gifts but I don’t because I’m careful with my money). Should I say something or would that be unreasonable?

Does he earn a lot a month? How about you both agree first to put a certain amount, every month, into a joint account (that you can't have immediate access to). Both save same, of proportionally similar amounts depending on income etc abd then what ever is left is after bills etc is his own to do whatever he pleases.

I think you can't tell him he cant give family money. But you can tell him he needs to ensure his own family is considered and provided for before he gives money away to family.

He has a good salary and we both contribute equally to household expenses which makes it surprising that he has saved so little.

I think I will suggest that we use our joint account for savings going forward rather than our individual accounts.

YANBU. Do a budget and decide jointly how much you will aim to save each month. Then transfer that amount out at the start of the month (rather than waiting to see what's left at the end of the month) and try not to touch it except in an emergency.

YANBU. As Mandarin said, you need to do a budget and decide how much to save each month.

Obviously if his parents actually need financial help, he'll want to provide it, but it doesn't sound as if they really do? His children are his primary financial responsibility so he needs to put them first.

One of my SIL's has a similar situation with her DH giving thousands to his parents. I know they've discussed it and I'm assuming they've reached a consensus now, but it's a difficult conversation.

I think £500 for his sister is fine. Everything else he is being taken for a ride.

Couldn't be doing with this at all.

Set up a joint savings and put a set amount in each?

£500 for his sister's baby! And you're living in a flat with children? How much did she contribute when yours were born? Or did she send a nice babygro?

I would set up a budget, x amount for household expenses (a fair proportion depending on any difference in salary) and i'd include everything in this, rent, bills, food, petrol, insurance, childcare etc. That is transferred into a joint account on payday.

X amount into savings (again proportionate based on salaries) and not to be touched unless it's agreed between you.

Then have a "personal spends" amount for your own individual extras that stays in each persons individual account. Haircuts, coffees, food out, clothes, hobbies etc. If he wants to spend his personal spends money on his parents insurance/friends wedding gift then fair enough. That way it won't impact the overall family finances.

make sure you protect your share by a deed of trust when you buy a property

YANBU! How annoying!
Do a savings plan and have an end date in mind and how much you need. Automatic transfers into joint savings as soon as salaries paid.

Couldn't cope with that

You're saving up towards an important family goal - of course it's reasonable to talk to him about it

I would say to him that he is to give you x amount of money each month to save
Myself and dp save £70 a month each
So £140 a month this is towards our nest egg towards the future for when the children are grown up

I'd say to agree X amount to save per month, then he can give his family from what's left after family expenses.

Out of curiosity, is he from a BME background? In some cultures helping parents financially is more common.

I say that because I'm from a BME background and sometimes friends or colleagues are suprised about the value of gifts I (and my siblings) spend on my parents and on each other.