To think this is just normal?

[Thingsare]

I have twin girls, both 4 year olds and both very happy in school - keen to go, excited and happy when coming out. However, one of my twins doesn't play with anyone else, she plays alone and says she just prefers this. Teacher has verified this. She is bright, extremely articulate and happy. She can take or leave other children mostly and likes to be independent and do her own thing. She finds it harder to read social situations and sometimes seems to not pick up some cues but nothing dramatic. We have had some playdates and she has really enjoyed playing with the visiting child. She is confident and on track with everything. She has no problem with eye contact, no behavioural concerns, she can get more emotional about some things but well within normal 4 year old behaviour. She has an amazing imagination and is very cuddly and affectionate. I basically have I have no concerns but my partner has said she could be neuro diverse (Sorry, I don't know what the best language is to use, please correct me if this term is incorrect) because she doesn't play with other children at school and is confident and old for her years? I just don't see it. Would any of those things worry you? Sorry, I should add they were extremely premature but no adverse effects. Thanks in advance!

No. My son has autism and nothing you’ve said strikes me as neuro diverse. Some people just enjoy their own company, nothing wrong with that.

I suppose it could be a reaction to always having a playmate at home?

My 5 year old often likes to play by himself in the park (rejecting other children's offers to play) and has previously told me that it is nice when his older brother isnt there so he can play by himself! (DS1 is incapable of this and bugs everyone to play with him).

She sounds fine and happy.

She sounds a lovely kid. Don’t worry.

Thank you! I know and have worked with children with autism and nothing strikes me at all. I don't want to be dismissive and obviously want to support my child the best I can but I genuinely feel that playing happily on your own, having the confidence to voice your opinions (to much older children and so on) and missing some social cues are not indicative of autism and all are within the realms of Neuro typical! Happy to be told I'm wrong!

I say good on her! She likes to occupy herself sometimes and is confident and happy enough to enjoy her own company! Just like me! You go girl!

She sounds fab to me! It's possible that she finds the intensity of being a twin too much and compensated by having time in her own. I wouldn't worry about it.

I was similar at nursery (age 3-5), clever and articulate, but didn't really want to run around playing dolls with the other girls as it was boring, I was happy enough sitting and playing blocks next to the boys.

At home I had a brother and often 3 cousins to play with so had a lot of play time with other children and sometimes just wanted to be calm and colour in and do puzzles by myself.

I'm NT as far as I know and have friends/socialise but I also just like to potter around the house/read/watch films by myself - which everyone thinks is fine in an adult.

Yes it is fine my DD was similar until about 7. She still enjoys her own company.

Are they in the same classroom.

I taught reception until July last year and often watched children play solo; it's human instinct to automatically encourage children to interact and play together but realistically some people are just happier in their own company and we should learn as adults to accept that without needing to define it as x, y or z. I often heard it from other adults around school, that a child wouldn't play all the time with other children, as though it was a negative thing. It absolutely isn't.

YANBU at all.

My son was the same at a similar age. Didn't want to play football! Liked to spend his breaks doing his own thing and could entertain himself happily but would join in if the activity suited him.His teacher reassured me that he was a shepherd and not a sheep, a phrase which I treasured and he became an independent, confident teenager and eventually a man who has achieved great things but could not be regarded as typical. Your daughter sounds just like him!!

I spent most of my childhood desperate to play alone. At home I had a brother who needed constant engagement. At school I was quite happy to go off and do my own thing. It only becomes a problem if she has no friends and can't interact socially at all. And at four, with a twin, I honestly can't see this as something you could possibly be definitive about at this stage.

When they're working in groups at school can she do that? does she engage with her twin? In which case, I'd consider all of that fine.

Is your DH a traditional extrovert? They can find it very difficult to understand that not everyone wants to be playing all the time. As soon as I learnt to read I spent a lot of my break times happily engrossed in a book.

Thanks everyone! They are both amazing and so different. They were born at 25 weeks and have just done incredibly - they are tall for their ages and happy and healthy. She is a brilliant character, very funny, hugely entertaining, she is just unique in her interests and perhaps that makes her seem more different - I.e. obsessed with sharks, scorpions, really interested by their make up - organs, how things work, it's brilliant. She is a leader and lacks the capacity or more likely has no inclination to bother with some of the social niceties, she would just rather do her own thing. She was very very keen on one little girl in her class but this was sadly not reciprocated and now she doesn't mention her at all and maybe this rejection has led to her playing on her own. Her teacher says she is very happy and not left out, she has chosen to play alone, no one else in her class does apparently.

Sorry to answer -

Yes, same class, decision made by them and us and definitely the right one so far (big school, they have free flow to the 3 other reception classes).

My partner is almost certainly Neuro diverse, lots of v obvious things which point to autism. Not extrovert.

Niclackey - absolutely love that phrase, you have totally got it!! I bet they are similar!

Sorry to add -

Yes, she can work in groups, can listen really well, adores her twin and vice versa, really wonderful relationship.

I would trust your judgement tbh, you described a lot of my own dd's qualities and she is autistic. Your dd is still very young and so it is too soon to tell but not being as social as her peers doesn't make her neuro diverse. My dd is a serial chatter box but does not conform to social expectations and doesn't pick up on some social cues. She is quite happy playing with a stick in mud alone even if other kids are calling on her to play.

Hi Florences - that's interesting. Would you mind describing what you mean by your daughter not confirming to social expectations / not picking up cues? Totally understand if you don't want to. Thank you.

Hi I don't mind at all, historically it can be seen through the structure of school. Taking part in school shows is not something she really ever wants to do which contrasts her outgoing personality. She is basically obstinate when it comes to structured plans and will actively not take part or refuse to engage at all. She doesn't join in on group play in the playground and is not shy to say no. For social cues she can't tell when a conversation has moved on or talks about completely unrelated things. She invades personal space and doesn't see that it can be annoying. She talks about death and anything equally unpleasant with fascination, it was flagged up as a concern in the school but it has been identified as her special interest related to autism so I shut that down but equally I have to speak to her and tell her to tone it down in certain situations. She is a joy and there are no issues at school despite her "stubborness" that reaches into a lot of social areas. The school are working with her and there is improvement with her engagement but equally I don't feel she needs to fully conform.

It is quite complex tbh and these examples might not be enough as it is part of a bigger picture with her autistic traits, sorry if it hasn't really helped. It took a few yrs to get a dg as she otherwise functions quite well and she is still developing as a person. It took so long because of the complexity and there was a question mark on whether it was just a delay in development.

That is why I said that it may be just normal for your dd and she is young and has plenty time to grow and develop socially.

Thank you so much, that is really helpful and insightful. Your daughter sounds fantastic and like she is doing really well. I suppose it highlights some differences for me - my little girl is very willing and keen to listen, to follow instructions and to do things right. She isn't stubborn or obstibate, she is very obliging. She is sensitive to others needs and feelings and is always very keen that others are happy. I suppose in that sense she has good emotional social skills and is very attuned. I truly think she is neuro typical but if she struggles or anything changes of course I will look into it! Thank you again for your reply.