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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that parents love to judge other parents?

26 replies

malificent7 · 09/01/2020 08:27

And this only gets worse as the children approach teenage years.
First its who is breast v bottle feeding. Then it is if you are attachment parenting.
Then as teens approach its who is allowed a phone and who isnt...
Those parents who think tv and social media are evil and those who dont.
Aibu to think unless other parents are abusive to your child...live and let live a bit

OP posts:

lljkk · 09/01/2020 08:39

I don't.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 09/01/2020 08:43

I try not to judge other parents. Most of us are just trying to do our best and we're all just making it up as we go.

MelroseHigginbottom · 09/01/2020 09:00

I think people shouldn't be so scared of 'judging'. All it basically means is that we all have our own views and opinions on different issues. There's nothing wrong with that, in fact it would be a sad world if everyone's views on everything were the same.

Lifecraft · 09/01/2020 09:03

"Judging" is a big no no on MN, but in real life, we all judge others over a range of issues, and everybody has the right to judge other people. The people being judged have the right not to care.

I don't know why people get so upset about being judged. No doubt people will read this and judge me to be a complete arse....and that is their right. We don't have thought crime in this country.

Hoik · 09/01/2020 09:19

I try incredibly hard not to judge people because as the parent of children with additional needs I am often on the receiving end of judgement.

Always thinking the worst of people is stressful and I've my own life to focus on so I give people the benefit of the doubt wherever I can and carry on with my day. None of us know what other people have going on in their lives so to judge them for being different to ourselves is unfair.

Ponoka7 · 09/01/2020 09:27

"i don't know why people get so upset about being judged."

Because you get sick of people feeling superior and if they are the type to gossip and be unpleasant it passes on to their children.

This is why it's so much nicer being a grandparent. I've seen my DD's peer groups grow up, all parented in different ways and there's very little that makes that much difference, or is worthy of judgement.

MelroseHigginbottom · 09/01/2020 09:30

Monika I understand how it feels as I've been judged for bottle feeding my son even though I had no choice as he has a Cleft palate. It feels awful. But at some point you have to shrug it off and ignore it for your own sake. And like I said, I can hardly expect that nobody will have an opinion (even a very ignorant one).

MelroseHigginbottom · 09/01/2020 09:31

*that was to Ponoka7. Dawn you autocorrect!

WhatAGreatDay · 09/01/2020 09:42

I think it's normal to judge and everyone does it all the time. It would be weird to go around day to day having no opinions on anything. You'd have to an extremely low IQ to not have any opinions on anything.

On the other hand, it usually isn't necessary to voice those judgements.

codenameduchess · 09/01/2020 09:51

I don't think judging is a bad thing necessarily though as long as it's not voiced in a negative way or at all, I don't give a shit what anyone thinks about me breastfeeding the baby but I might welcome their opinions when considering bigger things like giving phones or sm access.

I do think parents could be a little nicer to each other though. Not everything is a competition.

Picklypickles · 09/01/2020 09:51

I can be judgemental of other parents at times, I generally keep those judgements to myself though. I'm sure plenty of them judge me too, its just life.

PinkyU · 09/01/2020 09:55

Making comparisons and then deciding which option is most comfortable for you (aka, judging/making a judgement) is a very important skill to develop. It stops us making the wrong (Personal) decisions and helps us self reflect, this is rarely as important in life than when we become parents and our decisions directly impact the tiny human we’re responsible for.

However, you can observe, compare, judge and make decisions without feeling the need to shout about it and create lots of drama about why you do abc, as opposed to Trisha down the road who does xyz. That’s where the issue arises, not in the actual judgment itself.

Another big issue are those who feel the need to justify their parenting decisions, usually apropos of nothing. For example, I’m sitting quietly feeding my child, Trisha feels the need to tell me why she doesn’t feed her child the same way, or has a loud conversation about why she’d never feed her kid in (my) way. Again just uninvited, unnecessary noise.

Hoik · 09/01/2020 10:31

I take 'judgement'in the MN vernacular to mean criticism, snobbery, negativity, etc about other people's choices rather than the type of judgement involved in making decisions.

Original poster

malificent7 · 09/01/2020 12:57

Hoik...you have hit the nail on the head. In my instance i find it annoying when other parents try to get me to parent THEIR way.
Ok...you don't let your dc go down town after school...i do. So what.
You wont let your dc have the occassional packet of sweets....ok so i do...never mind.
You wont let your dc do x, y and z...i am making a rod for my own back.

Blah blah blah ...im sure my dd wont corrupt yours.

OP posts:

GinDaddy · 09/01/2020 13:01

I couldn't agree more OP.

What i find fascinating is the fervour by which people judge. Going out of their way to tell a person that they're "doing it wrong".

It's clearly to make themselves feel better about their choices..

GiveHerHellFromUs · 09/01/2020 13:10

I agree OP. There's a difference between someone telling you how they parent (acceptable) and expecting you to parent in the same way (not acceptable).

HarimadSol · 09/01/2020 13:22

I think that parenthood makes everyone feel off-balance and insecure. There is a very natural reaction to try to reassure ourselves that we're on top of things and doing well. Often this takes the form of judging everyone else to be wrong. Understandable, but not very healthy.

nowaypose · 09/01/2020 13:55

I only judge shit parents. Not just my opinion of a shit parent, I mean anyone who has a normal IQ’s opinion of a shit parent. I think one parent at my DC’s school is potentially abusive, I’m not sure. She just shouts and screams incessantly at her son’s and rags the youngest one (who is about 3/4) around. He’s on reins and she yanks the reins so he falls over whilst hurling abuse at him. I can’t stand being near her, she hurts my head/heart/guts and I feel so sorry for her DC. It’s one of those situations where I want to step in and tell her to cool her shit, I have looked around and I think other parents do too but none of us dare. I purposely try to avoid her at all costs, she’s a vile human being and I can safely say that without knowing a thing about her other than witnessing her behaviour every school day.

Her kids names rhyme too, she literally changed the first letter. I do judge that too, it’s just weird.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 09/01/2020 14:01

@nowaypose you're not sure whether she's abusive? She clearly is (ok maybe I do judge) and if she's like that in public imagine what she's like in private

Hoik · 09/01/2020 14:13

@nowaypose You can speak to the school, they should have a safeguarding lead who will be able to take details of your concerns and pass them on as needed. She won't know its come from you.

eenymeenyminyme · 09/01/2020 14:16

I don't give a rats arse who judges me any more so probably don't notice it, but when I did care about what others thought about me it was awful.

Everyone has a right to an opinion, they just don't have to inflict it on others!

Drizzzle · 09/01/2020 14:20

"Judgement" can be positive or negative , or neutral. It's an opinion, or decision. Do you mean disapprovi g or looking down on people?

BlaueLagune · 09/01/2020 14:23

Gosh yes parents (especially mothers) love to judge other parents. And it often is because they have poor self esteem and need to put others down to make themselves feel better.

I judge but usually when a parent is not making any efforts to control the effects of their child's poor behaviour on others such as running around a cafe or letting the kid play a computer game without headphones on. If it doesn't affect me I don't really care.

Lailaha · 09/01/2020 15:07

I think it's a human thing, not a parental one.

But we all do it, all the time - it's the sharing of those judgements that does the damage, generally.

BertieBotts · 09/01/2020 16:41

Worse approaching the teen years? Not in my experience. IME it's worst among the parents of under-4yo PFBs. By the time you've either had a second one, or your PFB is about 4, you've got enough parenting experience to know that you don't actually have all the answers, that sometimes bad behaviour/sleep/eating/whatever happens even if you follow whatever approach to the letter, that following any theory to the letter is a lie anyway, that other parents aren't the enemy just because they are in a different "camp", that children are largely who they are and not affected massively by parenting choices. Etc, etc. And you've enough longer-term experience to see that things you thought were massively important once upon a time you simply can't tell the difference now DC are a bit older.

No, I am finding the preteen years SO much less stressful WRT friendships with other parents without worrying about all that crap.

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