Boundaries crossed....

[Klmn]

I am house sitting, for 2 2/1 months abroad. There is s Cottage on the property with a single tenant next door. I came in last minute as the house sitter as the tenant was going to keep an eye on the house. The tenant had family guests during Christmas and they used the big house over Christmas, this plan had been arranged prior to my arrival so I stayed away as much as I could. Someone slept in my bed when I didn’t sleep there, I was very shocked at this, (my space, my things in there, my sheets) but as this plan was prior to my staying I let it go.
The tenant has now gone away for a week and her mother is staying in her cottage. My dilemma is the mother was in the big house (where I am staying) when I got back this evening watching the tv. All fine, except it’s now 4.30 am and she is still there watching the tv!! Iv not slept much as my room is next to the sitting room and feel my space very invaded. The lights all on. FYI, she has a tv in the Cottage and connected to Netflix. Also the owners of the house are non smokers and she had a cigarette in the house, I could smell it in my bedroom. I find this very disrespectful to the owners who said no smoking in the house. How do I put the boundary up without being too rude/blunt? I like my own space and am in the middle of a Netflix series, I was looking forward to watching it this evening when I got back, only to find the mother all settled in watching her film! I am fuming!

I'm a bit confused by your post to be honest, maybe someone/yourself can help me understand it better, but in the risk of me coming across ignorant, can I ask

• Are you meant to be house-sitting for the "big" house?

• I would wager a bet that the Cottage tenant's mother has been told by the tenant that because they were allowed to use the big house over Christmas, that she can then use it anytime during her stay. That I presume is something that has NOT been agreed with the owner, otherwise they wouldn't employ you.

• If that's the case, isn't it then incumbent on you to say to the tenants mother "I'm acting on behalf of the owners; while they're away you can use the cottage of which your son/daughter rents. However the main house is out of bounds".

• If she brings up Christmas, you can say "during Christmas there was an agreement with the owners to use the main house; this is not the case after Christmas".

• if she causes any issue, can you simply quickly contact the owners while they're away by email or whatever to get a quick clarification on the issue?

Again sorry if I've got this all wrong!

Also, use the fact that she is smoking in the house as a reason to contact the employers and/or have the gumption yourself to say to her "I represent the owners and this is not on, you can't use the house".

If I was employing/asking someone to be a housesitter, this is exactly the scenario I would be wanting them to step up for.

Otherwise in a way, if you don't act, then what is the point of you being there other than to have some lights on to deter wannabe opportunist burglars?

So as I see it...OP was asked to houssit in the "big house"

There's also a cottage near this big house...with a tenant.

The tenant was allowed to use the big house over Christmas for a family do.

This is now over but the tenants Mother is still using the big house as a chill out zone.

OP...have you spoken to the Mother? Ask her to leave!

GinDaddy the house-sitting arrangement could be casual...as a friend, not paid.

OP needs to clarify this.

You're not exactly in charge OP are you? Isn't that what you're supposed to be doing?

Gindaddy

You got it almost right! I am house sitting the big house.
I am not being paid to house sit, this is a friendly agreement. The Christmas period, use of the big house by the tenant and her family was arranged with the owners of both houses and the tenant prior to my arrival.

The arrangement is loose and friendly, I am happy for the tenants mother to use the big house if she needs to. My issue is she is still here in the big house and it’s 5.30 am!! The tv is on and I’m struggling to sleep!!! I like my own space!

I'm with GinDaddy on this one.

It's odd that the mother wants to hang around in the house with you when the cottage is empty and perfectly good... I'd explain that you're meant to be house-sitting now that Christmas is over, and that the owners don't want smoking in the house. If she's a smoker, maybe that will be enough to encourage her to return to the cottage.

If not, you'll have to be more forceful. Tell her you have plans to watch Netflix this evening (or whenever), so she'll need to continue her viewing in her daughter's home next door (hint hint).

Once she's out, can you lock the doors to keep her out, or does she have keys to the property?

After seeing the update, seems like you need to just be blunt! Tell her that you need space-- quiet, privacy. Surely she should understand that. I still think it's odd that she'd rather stay in your space than be in her own daughter's cottage. Especially if the daughter's away and she has the cottage all to herself.

BillHadersNewWife

The mother of the tenant went back to her home (10 hours drive away) briefly after Christmas and arrived back here this morning. I have not spoken to her as the boundary crossing has only happened this evening. I will have to speak to her in the morning. My dilemma is how to do it nicely without coming across as bossy.

(This is a loose agreement, I am doing the owners of the house a favour in that I am here to deter wannabe burglars, and they are doing me a favour in giving me a bed for 2 2/1 months. )

If you're determined to avoid bluntly telling her how you feel, maybe you can drop some not-so-subtle hints tomorrow. "I'm soooo tired this morning... I guess I'm used to things being completely quiet and dark at night when I'm trying to sleep... blah blah blah."

Honestly, though, who stays up watching TV until 4:30 in a stranger's house when there's another stranger trying to sleep in the next room? Especially when she could be using the cottage? That's strange, rude behaviour, and I'd probably just tell her that you need more space. She's being weird.

ILearnedItFromABook

You are spot on! I’ll have to be blunt, use the smoking first, then the privacy. She does have keys though. I find it most odd that she’s here and not in her daughters Cottage.

I would tell the tenants mother what a terrible nights sleep you had due to noise, lights, smell of smoke etc and ask if she intends to stay up late like that again. Have a chat with her about her plans, mention you wouldn't have come all this way if you knew there would be someone else in the house, generally make her realise what impact she is having. Have a chat with the tenant too. The mother is being very inconsiderate.

This reads like a version of the writer who wanted solitude but didn't get thread.

Don't drop hints. She sounds thick skinned (at best) and downright stupid at worst.

Just say "Well, I'm sure you must be looking forward to relaxing in the cottage now I'm here. There's no need for you to come over here anymore."

And if she tries to get round it by saying things like "Oh no, I like it here" then say

"Well I've been asked to house-sit and I prefer solitude, so it's best if you stick to the cottage now I think. Nice to meet you though!" and hold the door open for her.

Well, if nothing else, you need to tell her that No Smoking is allowed in the house. It's your responsibility to ensure that the house is being well-kept.
That's the whole point of you being there.

The cottage mum seems like she is there for a holiday.

Can you not contact the owners and mention that you didn't realise that the cottage tenant's mother would have keys, and would be lounging around the house?
They might have no idea.
And would probably be opposed.
Especially (and no doubt) with the smoking.

You are a house sitter, not a receptionist -- so don't worry about being "rude".

Worry about doing a job well done, for the owners.
Take charge!
You can do it! 👊

I also think you need to be blunt with both the mother and daughter. They’re very thick skinned if they think it’s ok to stay in the house smoking until 4.30 am. I’d also be contacting the owners to let them know what you’re doing as you could end up with the tenant complaining about you. From her perspective you’re getting a really sweet deal : free use of the main house whereas she’s a paying tenant and therefore should get the benefit of the main house for the duration of the owners being away.

Would you have agreed to house sit if you knew she / they’d be in the house whenever they fancied? My guess is no. You may be getting the house for free. But this is a mutually beneficial agreement. And if your boundaries are being crossed, it isn’t.

Your job is to stop the smoking. Why wouldn't you say something??

@Klmn

I would just tell her ... I don't allow smoking in my house because I am non smoker.

So is everyone free loading on this house?

If so where is?

Just say it straight out, polite but firm. Hints won't work with someone who sits up through the night watching TV, and smoking, in a house she should not be in. Contact the owners for clarity, if necessary.

It’sa bit late now but seriously, why wouldn’t you just tell her to leave? She has absolutely no right to be there, let alone smoke there, and she’s disturbing you. If she does it again then just tell her to get out. I can’t believe that she routinely lets herself into other peoples houses to watch tv, or that she would think it ok if someone did it to her.

I would try and find out how she managed to let herself in though, you’ll want to make sure that can’t happen again.