To think I’ve had no support through this

[Idontlikeithere1]

Just need a bit of a rant and thoughts on whether I’m being unreasonable or what.
I’m currently on my second round of ivf. It’s destroyed me emotionally and socially, i find it so hard to be around babies or pregnant women.
So it has affected my friendships a lot over the past few years.
I confided in my mother in law who is desperate for more grandchildren. I sort of gave her the chance to be supportive as we were once close and then I avoided my in laws for a while because of a family member being pregnant. I explained why I was distant and she held my hand and told me she’s here for me and my dh and will help any way she can.
I’ve since told her of upcoming appointment dates and what’s going on ( she doesn’t really understand it) but since all she seems to do is share photos of her other grandchildren on social media and ( probably am being sensitive here) feels as though it’s rubbing it in my face. She said she’d be supportive but hasn’t once messaged/phoned to see if we are ok/how things are progressing.
It seems as though if I were to get pregnant on this round she’d soon want to be in contact with me like I’m just a vessel for her grandchild.
I just don’t want that when I haven’t had any support at all even though we’ve asked for it.

Hi op sorry your going through this. Infertility sucks and I know how it feels watching everyone get pregnant around you

I mean this in the kindest way...bit your MIL simply doesnt understand your experience. and those kids ARE her grandkida who she loves and cherishes and she will feel the same about the kids that you may have too.

Shes got every right to share it on social media. Its actually not about you
Its really just about her sharing pictures of her grandkids

Hope you get your BFP soon

Infertility can screw with your perspective, I understand that.

It sounds like she does genuinely care, perhaps she's sensed your sensitivity and has let you know she's there for you, allowing you the space to come to her?

And you know she's not sharing photos to rub it in...she's just doing what any proud granny would do.

Best of luck, OP.

Maybe she is waiting for you to start conversations. I have to admit that I would have no idea what you are actually going through and after you distancing yourself before I wouldn't want to push myself on you and would want to give you space you need

I don’t actually think it’s is about giving me space I think it’s more of she just doesn’t actually care enough to ask. If I were pregnant she would, her other sons wife was invited every week for lunch just because she was pregnant. I don’t know how I would feel if she was suddenly interested if I were to become pregnant after this round. I sound crazy don’t I.

But if she was too interested and asking you all the time you would feel pressured. You would get upset if it wasn’t right and you also might be annoyed if she called and you unfortunately got your period. Having a friend/relative/coworker on ivf is like walking on eggshells. You can’t ask how they are, you can’t talk about your own DC or GDC you can’t announce your pregnancy. I am sorry it’s so hard I really am but your sadness does not trump someone else’s joy. It sad to avoid pregnant relatives or want your MIL to not worship her grand kids. I don’t think she would be able to do right for doing wrong. Sorry.

PP is right your perception is skewed, again I am sorry you have to go through this but is is no one else’s fault.

I mean it’s not your fault either obviously I just mean you can’t blame your MIL and pregnant relatives for how you feel.

I never said my sadness trumps someone else joy.
I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy and I’m happy for others who are pregnant just very sad for myself.

I just wished I’d have more support from mil
To say she would be here, to me telling her last week when my appointment was to be shrugged off and told ok you’ll be fine and not heard anything since. But knowing if I were to get
Pregnant she’d be completely different.

Infertility is a very lonely place when everyone else is just getting on with their lives. And the longer it goes on the harder it is for people to support because, frankly, there is nothing they can say or do that makes any difference at all.

For other people it will feel intrusive to keep asking, and hard to not ask. There is no real middle ground with this. You just have to get your head round what you are going through and try to find coping skills for yourself, no one else can feel how you do about it.

It's tough. Even tougher when family members have families or everyone is cooing over the new babies, but you cannot begrudge them the happiness of children and grandchildren.

Give her the benefit of the doubt. Tell her how you feel and see if you can find some middle ground with her. She may just be concerned about saying the wrong thing, of upsetting you, it may be that she doesn't know how to deal with your devastation.

For yourself it would be good if you found someone you could talk to. If you have a baby all will be well but if it never happens for you you have to find a way of living your life or looking at other options and making peace for yourself.

To say she would be here, to me telling her last week when my appointment was to be shrugged off and told ok you’ll be fine and not heard anything since.

Did you actually ask her? Telling her when your appointments are is not the same as saying "please will you come with me"?

I've been there - infertility is the loneliest place in the world. For me the happy ending never happened.

Do you have someone who will support you and lend a kind ear? People can be insensitive but it often comes from a place of ignorance and not thinking - like the friend who offered to come to me after my third failed IVF and brought her two children with her. She genuinely didn't understand why I asked her to leave.

If you want your MIL to come with you or want her support in other ways you need to ask. You can't expect fertile people to understand and, ore broadly, you can never expect another person to read your mind.

Oh OP

I won’t pretend to understand infertility but know that you have my endless compassion.

I conceived immediately and it’s shocking the praise/positive comments 🤔 as if it isn’t just luck!! There’s a lot of societal weirdness surrounding pregnancy.

I also suffered HG and have been awfully unwell - yet get complimented constantly on how I’ve not gained weight. It’s all a bit insensitive and values the wrong things!

In mild defence of your MIL, it’s much easier to share in someone’s happiness than someone pain. Her inviting your SIL around weekly was probably because she felt she had a ‘reason’ to and they shared excitement over the new addition.

Asking someone to come over to talk about a personal and painful subject isn’t as easy.

But knowing if I were to get Pregnant she’d be completely different.

Of course she would. It's much easier and more accepted to talk about something positive, to ask how the pregnancy is going, there's loads to discuss, symptoms to chat about, things to buy, but infertility - really, there's not a lot people feel they can say. You have to try and see it from her side.

Once someone has said the stock answers of I'm really sorry/hopeful for you/keep strong, it's impossible to say anything that helps.

I think you might be projecting some of your pain onto your MIL, which is understandable but unfair.

Infertility can make you tunnel in on your pain, it's really important to look after your mental and physical health - have you seen a counseller about these difficult feelings?

You choose to follow her SM accounts - it's not as if she is emailing you pictures directly.

I’m sorry you’re feeling unsupported at this difficult time.

But if I were in your MILs position I’d not have a clue what to do or what to say. I would worry that asking you things may be intrusive or upsetting and you’d feel hassled. I’d be wary of asking to go with you in case you’d think I was interfering, barging in, getting too involved. Especially as you’ve backed off before and she didn’t, at the time, know or understand why. She’s probably terrified of doing the wrong thing.

It may be that if you ask or tell her what sort of support you’d like she’ll be able to give it to you. As I said, I personally wouldn’t have a clue and would probably be less forthcoming to a DIL than to a DD.

YABVU to your poor MiL. She wants to say and do the right thing but seems to not know how to to your satisfaction.

Of course she takes joy in her grandchildren as she would with any child you have.

Your infertility isn't her fault, it isn't anyone's fault but you seem to somehow expect her to read your mind and say and do the right thing.

Have you considered how hurt the pregnant/new mothers are by your behaviour? I'm guessing not.

If its fb then unfollow or snooze her.She wont know and itll give you a break from the pics.

She is entitled to share the joy of her grandchildren on her social media. If it bothers you then you need to unfollow her.

Oh this sounds hard. I can't even begin to imagine how you feel. But I think you're being hard on your mil. It doesn't sound like she doesn't care.

Unless you spell it out to her she's not going to know what actual support you're looking for. I have no idea what goes on in IVF, I certainly wouldn't invite myself to appointments with someone unless they asked me and I wouldn't know how much or how little someone would want me to ask about it. I imagine some women going through the same would soon be complaining if the mil wanted to get too involved.

I hope things work out for you but try to cut her some slack or be more specific with her. And definitely get off social media, not a good place to be if posting pics of kids is affecting you

Not sharing photos of her grandchildren is nor giving you support.

I understand, to a small degree how you feel, due to my own circumstances.

However, I think you are being very unfair on mil. Cant you just silence her feed?

I am afraid you will need to accept there are other grandchildren in the family and the family will interact and share things relating to them.

Are you getting professional support?

Also, she probably just doesnt want to be seen as pestering for updates.

Some people in your position would find that hurtful, upsetting and annoying.

Theres no one way to support someone with infertility and she may need leading by you and your dh.

This is shit. My mil would never shut up about ‘when was she going to be a grandmother?’ During the 4 years of fertility investigations and treatment. It was soul destroying. My husband (mr mild mannered) got really angry with her and we started seeing her less and less. My actual mother said ‘aren’t you over it yet’ when I was having a particularly bad day. That aren’t capable of grasping how you feel because they haven’t had to walk in your shoes. Try to surround yourself with the people who make you feel more positive 🤗
Btw my mil is still banging on about further children even though she knows my chances are even less than before!

*they aren’t capable

Sorry you are going through this. I think your mil is just been a granny posting pics of her grandkids, if she were to take into consideration everyone's problems she wouldn't be able to say or do alot.

She may not be inviting you for lunch because you say yourself you're uncomfortable around kids and pregnant people.

She may not know what to say to you, maybe fear of saying the wrong thing. Maybe she wants you to make the first move. Have you invited her for lunch ? Have you started a conversation with her about how you're feeling (bar the one you mention in the op)? Did you ring to tell her about your appointments ? She may not want to upset you, she may not know whether you want her to enquire.

I had a sil who went through IVF, it was very hard on everyone. Her especially which is understandable. But we couldn't bring our babies to her home, we had to make sure at family gatherings that we got our children minded as she got very upset when we brought them. On one of my pregnancies before social media I sent a group message announcing the pregnancy. ( lots of family abroad) she didn't speak to me for the whole pregnancy. I found out later that on that particular day I announced it she had found out that the current round of IVF didn't work. I honestly didn't know. She told everyone I did know and only announced it to make her feel worse than she did. On my last child she didn't meet her till she was 9 years old. Her explanation to me was I talk about my kids too much and I'm always being a bitch towards her by constantly posting about my kids. In all honesty I don't even have her in my head when I'm posting.

Sometimes when people are going through a difficult time it can feel like everyone is against us.

I agree that it would have been nice if your MIL had at least sent a message asking how you were feeling (given that you'd confided in her). However, as others have said, it probably isn't that she doesn't care, it's more likely that she feels awkward and doesn't know what to say.

Hugs to you OP. It is just shit.

Have you considered how hurt the pregnant/new mothers are by your behaviour? I'm guessing not

Fucks sake. It half as bloody hurt as an infertile woman very bloody day.