To fear my FIL may be flirting with me? 😬

[ShuffleShuffleSpin]

Months ago when visiting my inlaws my FIL saw me wearing socks with flip flops. (Yes I know that is an unreasonable fashion faux pas in itself but I was cold and needed to quickly run outside!) FIL joked that I was a Geisha, a Japanese entertainer of men, and I didnt care much for the joke but didn’t think much of it or make a big deal of it because I knew he was thinking my shoes looked Japanese in style. I just decided it was a silly joke and let it go. Completely forgot about it.

Now, 3 or 4, months later, he texted to arrange a time and then called me while on holiday abroad about something he would like to do with the grandchildren when he returns. I had no problem with most that call. But then when saying goodbye he said, “We really miss you all” (normal enough) and then “I will be looking for some sandals to buy for my Blond Geisha, ok?”

It just felt like such a weird thing to say. I couldn’t remember the joke he had made only once or twice months ago so it felt totally out of the blue. I brushed it off like “yeah, I’m sure those would look bizarre” and changed topic. But it left me feeling weird. I kept wondering why he said it and after reflecting I think the earlier joke must be the connection for him. It feels inappropriate and I hope it’s just him not thinking things through. What do you think?

No it's a bit weird. The first half with the geisha comment is fine but calling you my blonde geisha is creepy.
I know you say you don't like confrontation but confrontation for an awkward 60 seconds is better than feeling creeped out everytime you see him.
Just say "I know you probably don't realise but you calling me a geisha is making me feel weird" doesn't have to be aggressive confrontation.

So this is the only creepy comment he's made in how many years of you knowing him? What he said on the phone was a bit weird, the "my blonde geisha" bit, but tbh I could see my FIL potentially making a joke about looking like a geisha if I wore socks and sandals, he wouldn't mean it in a creepy way and I wouldn't read it as a flirt. You know your father in law better than a load of strangers on the internet though.

I wonder if he actually knows he's calling you a prostitute?

I agree that he sounds like he’s trying to turn it into “your little injoke” and I’d be nipping it in the bud ASAP by simply asking him to stop the unfunny geisha comments. Especially if he’s aware of the connotations of geishas as, essentially, prostitutes - how is that an appropriate thing to say to a DIL? “My blonde geisha”...bleurgh!

What does your DH think about it?

I wouldn't confront or ask DH to speak to him- it's too easy for him to laugh it off, pretend you misunderstood, make you the bad guy.

Just practice a few phrases- not your Geisha, your daughter in law. Not your Blondie, your son's Blondie. Not your Spin, my own Spin, thanks.

Or 'steady on- people will think that's creepy'.

Not direct accusations, but a response which challenges.

I wish my FIL only made geisha jokes. Mine stares at my tits, makes jokes about giving me one, frequently thrusts images of barely clothed glamour models in my face stating "she's fit ain't she, phwoar!" Makes vile comments about women on tv, rubs my thigh and has smacked my arse.

It has caused no end of tension, with DH and SIL having to 'have words' with both him and MIL. MIL sees and hears it all but just tuts and shakes her head as if to say "oh, what a scamp!" but sees no harm in it. We now spend far less time with them.

Your FILs comment is weird, but mild in the grand scheme of things. However, watch out for any further comments and pull him up on it. Dont let it escalate unchallenged.

On the otherhand, is it possible he doesn't really know what a geisha is?

I think you're overreacting for now.

“You do know I’m recording this phone call, don’t you, FIL?”

He has a clumsy sense of humour but I really don't think he is flirting. Calling him out on it as others suggest would be cruel and pointless. If you don't like the joke just blank. My own beloved df and dfil would probably have something silly to say about a flip flop and sock combination too.

I think he was probably just trying to make a joke and it came across as creepy, if there isn’t anything else creepy he says or does I would really just brush it off and leave it at that. If it carries on though then say something either to him or dp

I would think he is taking the p*ss out of you rather than flirting with you!!!

I would text him...do not refer to me as a geisha asn it make sme feel uncomfortable

@HollowTalk. Wow that's the perfect reply. FIL can't take offence but also won't want his son to know how creepy he is

I wonder if he actually knows he's calling you a prostitute?

A geisha isn't a prostitute they are dancers & performers.

@NurseButtercup yes and I did know that thankfully (due to the movie Memoirs of Geisha). Still their role is a bit mysterious to Westerners and the vibe is one of something a bit sexual in most Westerners’ minds I think since they were hostess / performers for men. Perhaps they don’t know better but people think they were mistresses etc.

I’ve always known the word geisha but this thread has educated me on what they actually are... he probably didn’t know either. So I think you’re overreacting - but if he makes another joke along this line pull him up and say it comes across as a bit weird/creepy/whatever feels right in the moment.

It’s the ‘my blonde..’ bit..

Awkward!

Geishas are not prostitutes. I think you are overreacting tbh.

Is there anything more annoying than 'you ok Hun ffs

Geisha are not prostitutes.
It sounds like a clumsy joke but you know him best to judge

I also think maybe he has a bit of a cringey sense of humour. I think it would be more awkward than its worth if you called him out on it. Unless he touches you inappropriately or says something more overtly sexual, I would just grin and bear it to keep relations good personally.

I have a very low tolerance for creepy "banter" but i would find this racist/offensive before I found it sexualised/creepy. If it was said to me I would likely think it was embarrisingly old-fashioned, depending on the age of the speaker. There's also something in the way you have written his words that makes me wonder if he (or you?) are not native English speakers? In all - that doesn't sound like someone flirting. But it maybe be part of a bigger picture for you. It is fine (and healthy and good) to set boundaries though and doesn't have to be confrontational. Although for many people I know it is unexpected and uncomfortable.

I agree with you OP, I think it's creepy and crossing the line especially after such a long time had passed since the socks/flipflops indecent. He obviously had it on his mind still.

My (creepy) FIL of 30+ years popped round a while ago while I was picking up leaves in my garden - he said "I bet you love bending over" - I pulled him up on it straight away and asked him if he meant to be so rude and creepy. He soon apologised and hasn't been round since!

My advice to you would be to confront your FIL about any further comments immediately and ask him not to do it again. Be firm and stand up for yourself.