AIBU visitors from abroad

[onlydigestivesinthetin]

We have relatives in Australia and New Zealand. In 2017 we visited them for the first time and stayed no longer than three nights with any of them. We host quite a lot in the UK and we know that after three nights the pleasure of visitors wears off and they can begin to become hard work. We always turned up with wine or flowers or food and bought a meal out or a takeaway one evening. While we were made welcome, we had no sense of the boat being pushed out for us on our travels – which is fine by us. Our aim is to be fondly remembered.

The following summer one of my cousin's daughters, 21, asked to come and stay while she was in Europe on a four-month visit. We live in a rather dull area so when she arrived (we thought she was coming for week) we put some effort into taking her around. She asked to stay a second week (gulp) and eventually left after nearly three weeks, by which time we were pretty desperate. She had complex dietary needs and not much get-up-and-go, so unless we initiated things she wold have sat playing with her phone all day, every day.

By the end of it we calculated it had cost us over a grand in petrol, 'experiences', entrance fees to National Trust places and other days out, tickets to a weekend arts festival, the theatre etc and special gluten free and dairy free foods. She paid for a couple of coffees over the entire period. We were later slightly gutted to see hundreds of photos of her on a two-month coach tour of Europe drinking cocktails and eating out night after night, but she's young and I would probably have done the same at her age.

It would all have been forgotten except for the fact that now her sister has emailed us to say she and her boyfriend are arriving in the UK in May and they'd like to come and stay, seeing how we showed the first one such a good time...

How do others handle this situation? We want to be generous, we remember being young and skint and how fabulous it was when adults enabled us to do things we couldn't have done independently – but at the same time it seems a bit unbalanced. And there are another seven 20-somethings in Oz and New Zealand who are probably eyeing those pix and and adding us to their itinerary.

I see two options.

1. Say no, you'd love to have them around for a meal and meet up with them for a pub lunch, but time, work and finances preclude you from having people stay.

1. Say yes, of course, but in light of the previous experience, there is now a firm three day stay rule in place.

I'm afraid some people really do take the piss.

Shame the decorators are busy at that time. Here are links to air B&B stays.

I would reply and say that they are welcome to come and stay for a weekend.

I'd say yes but you have various things on around then so can only manage 5 days, and go easy on what you arrange for them

I would just say that unfortunately you will be very busy that time of the year, but you would love to see them for a weekend, give them and arrival date and departure date, after which you already have other friends coming to sleep in the spare room. Or offer to meet up with them for a meal one day if they'd prefer to stay elsewhere.

No way would I have been paying for days out for a 21 year old for 3 weeks. She is an adult, not 6.

OoohTheStatsDon'tLie, I think that's probably the best compromise. Five days is enough to see this area and get to know us a bit, but not so long that you long for your space back. I'm hoping this one isn't dairy and gluten free too. That definitely bumped up the cost and hassle of hosting her sister.

I sometimes read threads on here where people have family visiting from abroad for months at a time. How do they do it and how do they work out the financial implications? I'm freelance, so not only did our visitor cost me cash, I was also prevented from earning as much as usual.

If they're gluten and dairy free, then be up front and say they need to buy their own bread, cereal etc.

My mother and sister have just gone through similar with a young relative, and it really added to the cost for them, and then they didn't even eat the stuff they bought - which was a bit insult to injury!

My daughter is coeliac, and when we go somewhere, we insist that we incur any resulting expense, buying any necessary products. She's learning to do the same for herself too.

And you really don't have to take them to everything and everywhere going. . .

Can't you arrange that you are actually going on holiday yourselves in May so you can turn them down without telling any lies? (Even if you just go away somewhere fairly local for a few days).

Or tell her that because you host so much you have had to implement a maximum 3-night stay rule because of the expense and aren't able to fork out for her as you did with her sister. Your circumstances have changed since her sister visited?

I think I'd say yes, but ensure they stick to a week and be clear that you have decorators arriving the day after/you're going away/whatever. Show them a great time for the week, but no more. Hopefully that should ensure you remain great friends, but they don't take advantage.

I think this time round we'll do some research on what's going on locally for free. Happy to do a couple of big days out but we'll keep the cost down if we can. As they're a couple we won't feel so much responsibility to look after them/ take them everywhere. We felt we had to take care of visitor number one: she's grown up in small-town New Zealand and was a bit overwhelmed by how old and creaky and busy everything is here.

How come some margarine and potatoes are costing you so much? If this one' is gluten and dairy free (which may be possible if they share genes) then wait til they arrive and then ask what they need/want. Take them to the supermarket - or give them directions. I don't know why it should cost more. The bread, ok, if you eat a lot of bread...but....and I say this as someone in a gluten and dairy free household.

For the rest, look up when there is a festival or event on that they can go to and suggest that time, or suggest other things 'they must see' that are elsewhere and you'd be happy to help them find accommodation there, etc.

I think it's lovely that they want to stay with you and want (potentially) to be shown around by you, etc. I mean, coming from the other side of the world, I think I too would love a safe, friendly place with someone to show me how things work, etc. I think as a couple, you can much more say 'well, what are you two up to tomorrow?' and not expect to be involved the way you were before. I would also point out that you are busy with work at that time, so you will try to be around as much as possible, but not much in the daytime. Send them some links to car hire companies they can book themselves so you are setting the view that you expect them to be able to visit stuff on their own?

Family can be precious though and you have the chance to talk about you and your sister growing up, stories they may never have heard, etc.

Not a chance. I'd send a link to local B&B or hostels and tell them you will have them over for dinner one evening. Just because her sister managed to scrounge a grands worth of hospitality from you doesn't mean this one is automatically entitled to do the same.

“Oh gosh. We showed her such a good time we’re still trying to clear the credit card bill and decided definitely never again, haha! We would love to see you though. I can organise an Airbnb for you in x town and we’d love to treat you to dinner at y pub which is fabulous!”

It's one of her cousin's daughters, not her sisters.

Given that I've got 35 first cousins in New Zealand, some of them with five or six kids. . . gulp. . .I think perhaps you do need to put some firm parameters in place OP!

See I think this could cause family ructions. "Why was it fine for you to do that for one but not the other?" I know it wasn't fine at all (scrounging minx), but I think I'd be a bit peed off if I was your relatives.
Sorry OP, I have no suitable advice here.

I think you should maybe stick to a week or two ,and factor in "experiences " that are free or low cost! Depending on where you are in UK ,what about Parks/Local forests?the Beach .All free ,and take packed lunches with you .Can you visit a local Am Dram Theatre ? I would maybe have a Sunday lunch out ,and then see about fish and chips /Take away on some other evenings .Local Churches are very interesting and only need a donation usually .Same with Museums .Obviously you want to show the young ones a good time ,but dont want to bankrupt yourself in the process!

It could cause family ructions, but bear in mind these are cousin's children, not siblings, which may or may not make a difference, depends on your family I guess.

I think it's also fair to say that having done one, you've taken away some lessons from that experience, and that it really isn't feasible for you to do for others what you did for the first one - it just cost far too much in far too many ways.

But you can offer x, y, and z.

I think five days is a good compromise. Make sure there is a good reason they need to be gone at the end.

I remember doing much the same as your cousin’s daughter at that age. I was skint and it meant a lot to live in comfort for a while with my aunt and uncle. However, it was made clear at the time that I would be expected to reciprocate when their kids grew up (which I have indeed done). Maybe you should suggest similar?

Will you be expected to pay for the boyfriend too? I’d offer a max 3 days and say you have plans. This will never end unless you speak up now.

I'd personally be upfront and say no, it cost too much and lost you earnings last time, and you can't afford to do it again, whether you would like to or not.

You did it for one and it was a mistake. Do it a second time and you will have the hoards at your door. It would be harder to turn down guest number 3 and guest number 4 and guest number 25.

If you feel you CAN'T say no, you could say it's just not possible. Fib and say your guest room is no longer available because you have a lodger in there to help with the finances. That would cover you with having nowhere to put them, and there being no money to subsidise their holidays at the expense of yourself.

Presumably you have a spare room? I would temporarily change it into an office or play room if you have young children. Putting the bed in storage and hiring a desk/chair/filing cabinet for a week will cost nothing like as much as entertaining them for weeks.

Yup, you could end up seriously out of pocket! I'm trying to think what people offered us when we visited. We were adults, a couple and we had a car, so mostly it was a bed, a meal and a beer and we were expected to take ourselves off to do things.

One couple, who'd lived and worked in Europe for a few years and who'd been hosted by my mum and wider family on many occasions, took us around Auckland and to lunch at a winery (we paid) and then to a friend's bach for a couple of nights. We did a few walks, had a barbecue, and went out on kayaks that came with the bach. We took them to a fancy brewery/restaurant the second evening and paid. I'm certain we spent much more money over those three days than they did.

They were really friendly and it was memorable, but it was clear they didn't plan to spend any money on us. It's different when you have a 21-year-old who's never been away from home on her own before and wants to see stately homes and castles and see a professional Shakespeare performance.

added to say, of course you could set in place the three day, pay your own way rule, but I would think if they are going to be pissed because they don't get a three week all expenses paid holiday for two out of you, offering three days will piss them off as much as a straight 'no' would.

My sister and brother in law live abroad; usually come back to visit every few years, meaning a week with me, and a week with our other sister. Ends up with me picking them up from the airport; usually doing 'something' with them for a few days (driving of course); then there's the drive to Essex to hand over to the other sibling...

I totted up between the two of us, we save overseas sis getting on for £1K in accommodation, meals, petrol, sightseeing etc. And in return we get a bottle of wine and a box of chocolates, and they might buy me lunch (but not if it was all my family!).

But of course it's nice (yeah, right) to see my sibling and catch up. But they are cheeky b*ggers with long pockets and short arms.

We expect them to return next year or the year after. DSis and I are determined to put our feet down next time and at least contribute to the cost of petrol. (although in their minds, I was going to see DSis in Essex anyway ...)

Having been to Australia and NZ on a gap year, I don’t think staying so long is being rude. I was amazed at how welcoming they were in terms of letting people stay for extended periods. We arrived to stay with a few friends of friends, intending to stay 1 or 2 nights and then find somewhere else to stay and they were genuinely offended. We did entertain ourselves though and would buy food and drink for ourselves or help with meals etc.
That said, it’s fair enough to say you can host for X nights to be clear up front.