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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU Selfish DH

20 replies

Gemm83 · 08/01/2020 10:03

OK, so I am going back to work part time in May. I (that's right I, because its my responsibility) am trying to arrange childcare for DD2.

Our regular childminder for DD1 has had to find full time work so she has put me in contact with another CM in the village where I live. DD1 goes to school in neighbouring village where original CM lived and did school drop off/pick up.. Following..?!

Anyhoo my DH generally starts work at 7am (overtime) and I called him to say I was meeting her today and that I will ask if she can start at 7, meaning the earliest he can start work will be 7.05-7.10 (yes, his place of work is THAT close!) but that worse case scenario she might not start until 7.30 in which case he will have to start at 7.35-7.40....the response I got was "Woahhh hang on a minute, why am I having to drop her off?" I explained that with me having to be at work at 8am (20 minute drive) and having to drop DD1 at breakfast club (in opposite direction) for 7.30am I physically will not have the time to do both.

Well...... I got every excuse under the sun...." I cycle to work" (inner monologue) - Drive for 1 day.
"What if I sell my car like I'm always talking about?" - Yes, talking about for past 4 years and never actually doing it....
"Well if will cost more in the long run with added petrol" - It's a 5 minute drive.
"Well I will lose money by starting later" - Yes around £60 a month. Don't drink at the football for 2 fixtures a month then. Sorted.

I am at the end of my tether with him. The other 2 days I will be rushing around like a blue arsed fly getting to breakfast club and my parents at ridiculous o'clock in the morning working extended hours to make up for part time shortfall and then picking kids up and getting home at some ungodly hour. He won't help either. He gets up when he needs to and walks out the door.

I told him I can not be in two places at once and that for one morning a week he will have to do it and all I got was (stroppy voice) "Well, it is what it is isn't it" I was quite short with him and said "Well yes it is" and he said I didn't need to be so authoritive! Yes I do because you are being a dick!!! Why is childcare (arrangement and delivering of) solely my responsibility? I am so pissed of with him (can you tell?!)

So AIBU??! 😂

Sorry for the exhaustive post, my thumb is burning!!! 😂😂

OP posts:

ohwheniknow · 08/01/2020 10:06

Does he pull his weight with anything? What is the point of him?

RUSU92 · 08/01/2020 10:09

He’s not acting like a partner here. Ask him how he’s going to manage the childcare on his 50% of the days he has them after you get divorced. See how he likes them apples.

Ivyr0se · 08/01/2020 10:09

He sounds like hard work, it's not really a partnership if you have to do all the organising
Are you happy to be going part time? Does he appreciate it?

I would be v tempted to split the work so that does the childminder drop offs every day and you do the breakfast club, or vice versa.

Biscuitsandteaplease · 08/01/2020 10:11

He doesn't sound like he's pulling his weight at all, why doesn't he feel like it's his responsibility as well as yours? It sounds like you are doing far more than you should be.

Sounds like he needs a reminder that it's a shared job for both of you and as PP said, split it up also your both working together on it

khaleesiofthegreatgrasssea · 08/01/2020 10:14

Give him a piece of paper and a pen and ask him what his alternative is, including how it will affect your finances (petrol costs, altered start times etc).

Sunflowersok · 08/01/2020 10:33

Selfish entitled arse!

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 08/01/2020 10:39

He is being a dick. Most couples I know have both changed their work slightly to make childcare work. I changed my hours slightly earlier so I can do pick up and my husband changed his bit later so he can do drop off. Others do condensed hours or or time with different days off etc (unless one of them works next to nursery or shorter hours then they do it all)

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 08/01/2020 10:39

Have you asked him why he doesnt think its his responsibility?

Original poster

Gemm83 · 08/01/2020 10:43

Thank you.... He makes me feel as though I'm asking for the world sometimes. He is a very selfish man and is exhausting, which is mostly down to being wrapped in cotton wool from an early age (bullied, over protective parents etc). He strops when he doesn't get his own way. My 5 year old behaves better at times!

Frustrating isn't the word.

OP posts:

BlueJava · 08/01/2020 10:44

Can you find a CM in the same location as school? You don't have to take the recommendation from the previous CM and that would make it easier all round. Alternatively can the CM take DC from 6:45 then problem solved?

Whilst your suggestion isn't unreasonable there seem other ways to solve it. I also feel that calling your DH to discuss early in the morning isn't going to get a good reception. Why not talk about it in the evening or weekend when you have time?

Original poster

Gemm83 · 08/01/2020 11:14

BlueJava

Unfortunately there are no alternative CM's in the area of DD1 school. The recommendation came after she tried all other CM's in the area. She knew she was leaving me in the crap so she did everything she could to get a replacement for me. Also if she could do 6.45 that would be amazing but DH doesn't start at 7am all the time. It's not his core hours it's overtime if the company have work (in fits and starts), and the expectation would be that if he doesn't have to start until 8, I would be the one having to drop her off not him.

OP posts:

Motoko · 08/01/2020 11:20

Don't see much point in being with him.

He’s not acting like a partner here. Ask him how he’s going to manage the childcare on his 50% of the days he has them after you get divorced. See how he likes them apples.

Yeah, ask him this. Also ask him what did he think having children would involve?

thejollyroger · 08/01/2020 11:22

God, I would have to divorce the arsehole. See how he likes them apples.

Shoxfordian · 08/01/2020 11:26

Why are you with him when he's so selfish? Surely you discussed childcare before you decided to have a baby?

thejollyroger · 08/01/2020 11:28

RUSU92

Great minds - or I subliminally read your post and copied it! 😂 sorry.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 08/01/2020 11:34

Well he’s a massive dick, isn’t he? You deserve better op.

Original poster

Gemm83 · 08/01/2020 12:14

TBF to him he hasn't always been like this, well he's always had a selfish streak, but it seems to have gone nuclear since DD2 has come along 🙄

OP posts:

Firstawake · 09/01/2020 07:44

Get him to arrange the childcare!

EKGEMS · 09/01/2020 15:23

Why tolerate this insanity? He either pulls his weight or he gets the fuck out!

WaggleWiggle · 09/01/2020 22:06

‘What is the point of him?

^^ This. Lazy, selfish so and so. Will he sell the car out of spite so he can’t do it?

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