To go ahead and safety proof DM house

[Clappingforjoy]

So she has had rapid deterioration in her mobility and has had numerous falls she has recently broken both wrists and also ribs and her mental health is deteriorating as well she is 88 years of age and although we are waiting on the professionals me and my sisters are trying to make things safe in the meantime.
So far I have boarded her landing window as she broke the double glazing by falling on the stairs and have fitted some grab rails etc etc all with her standing over shouting and objecting I have arranged an appointment for a stair lift against her will as well. She has had to pay for alot of these things as I am on a tight budget.
Aibu to ignore her and do what I think she needs.

Sounds like my mother in law. I understand totally why you are doing it and the frustrations.

Have you requested an OT assessment? Often people will take advice from them better than family.

I'm even an OT and she wont listen to me.

I agree that an ot assessment would be a good idea. Does your mum have capacity? Do you have POA? The answer to these makes a difference although I understand your concern.

Just to add she has accepted these things but it took a fall, surgery and a hospital admission to get there. She is far too independent and puts herself at risk but all we can do is advise.

As I mentioned though an OT may get further, I get told all sorts of things that the family are totally unaware of.

Yes we are waiting for the falls team to visit and also she has been referred to a memory clinic and we are also waiting for a brain scan

She is very very stubborn

She has some capacity at the moment but we are seeing a big change in her ability to answer the health professionals question without getting confused but if we try to intervene she gets very angry

Have you PoA? She can forbid you if you don't

Dont have POA

I know you are doing it with the best of intentions but she is your mother not your child. How would you feel if someone changed things in your house against your will?

Pop over to the elderly parents board. Loads of useful advise there.

Until professionals deem that she needs these changes then yes yabu.

If you are spending your mothers money against her will on things she does not want it spent on then you are going too far.

I get that you want to help her & you think you know better than she does (& you may even be 100% correct) but you are basically stealing it unless you have her permission to spend her money on whatever you want.

How would you feel if she just decided what your money was going to be spent on then went ahead & spent it even as you protested?

I think that whilst she has capacity, YABU to go against her will and also force her to pay for it. I’d suggest stepping back and being supportive in a different way.

You might find she responds better to an independent health care professional advising what she needs or will help. I’m guessing if her capacity is debatable now and considering what you’ve done, she won’t agree a POA, so you’ll need to get a deputyship although that can be a really long and protracted process. You’ll also need to justify these expenses if you get one, so do be careful.

Are adult social services involved? It’s really difficult when an elderly relative is at this stage.

Everything spent has been discussed with her and we have purchased the odd thing ourselves and not had money off her

I am an OT and would strongly advise you with all the best kindnessto stop what you are doing. Until her capacity is ascertained you cant just make alterations to her home without her consent. It is illegal. Even then aný changes have to be decision specific and could ru you into hot water if she complains. What you are doing is obviously from your point of view to safeguard her but from her point of view your alterations could make her very anxious.
I would also hold off with the stairlift if you have concerns about her memory as she would need to be able to safely accomodate this as part of her routine. Ie remember to charge it, how to switch it on and off, how to fold the seat down and transfer on, how to control it and how to turn it to safely get on and off. Introducing new things without an assessment and her consent will mean she will not use it and will cause herself injury trying get round or clomb over it. There has been a serious case review recently after a death in my area. Sje would benefit far more from assessment and proviosn via an OT. People are much better when they may lack capacity or have memory problems moving around their home in the same way (if possible) that they have done for years their brains have this firmly etched in their longer term memory. Please dont do anymore if the OT deems it appropriate these things can be funded and you need to ensure thst your mum is as safe a possible.

Just waiting for memory clinic appointment, brain scan and falls team.
Doctor has told her that she should consider a stair lift to remain in her home.

Thanks stinky that has been one of my concerns that she will lose capacity to use the stairlift

Doctor has told her that she should consider a stair lift to remain in her home.

There is a very realistic chance she will forget how to use it and it takes up a huge amount of space on the stairs, which can make it far more dangerous if trying to navigate around. I appreciate a doctor has suggested getting one but the doctor doesn’t have the results from the memory clinic, scan and anything else that is yet to take place. Without this information it’s not possible to determine what is the safest thing to do.

Makes alot of sense better

We need a diagnosis because she has been having alot of hallucinations as well

She cant get her words out properly and it's all jumbled up

OT advice before you do anything else, so you don't end up spending anybody's money on things that aren't going to be useful in the medium to long term.

A stairlift usually requires someone can sit and balance and stand up from a seated position. Depending on how her mobility is deteriorating, it may not be something she can use for very long (or might be an excellent solution).

She may be better moving to somewhere without stairs or she may be about to deteriorate so quickly that she'll need much more intense care than can be easily arranged at home.

It's probably unreasonable to be doing things to her house without her agreement/whilst she's clearly objecting to them (I say probably, as maybe she is developing dementia or some other condition where she is losing decision making capacity). It's her home and her money.

And unless you have professional expertise, it's definitely unreasonable for you to do what you think she needs without seeking professional advice from an OT.

Clappy……...If your mom falls again who but only YOU are there to pick up the pieces go ahead and get all the grab rails you want Stairlifts the lot its not unreasonable at all