Not sure if I'm posting this in the right place as I'm new here, so apologies.
Backstory... Live with (technically) ex, in 2 bed rented - it's just us, hours away from family. Always had issues with arguments over stupid little things. About 2 years ago it started getting worse. I couldn't ever leave because I can't afford to. We both have stuff going on with our families and work etc, so are both stressed and worried.
There are many, many reasons why I should've left him years ago that I won't go into. The main concern is what's been going on recently.
The other day at 3am he was snoring, I could hear it through the wall between our rooms and it was keeping me awake. He has previously told me to wake him up when this happens (not often). I quietly called him and knocked on his door, tried a little louder but still nothing. As carefully as possible I opened his door, which hit on something he had right behind the door. Not sure which of these woke him, but he sat up clearly startled. I apologised and said he was snoring, he said okay sorry. In the morning he was in such a rage with me because he apparently couldn't get back to sleep and how it was all my fault etc. He was so angry. I apologised but he wouldn't listen. After he went to work I texted to explain all this, to apologise again and say that I understand he was annoyed and tired but it wasn't my fault he didn't go back to sleep.
Often arguments result in me having a panic attack, which he usually either ignores or calls me stupid or childish for. If he doesn't like what I'm saying he walks off, tells me I'm wrong or twists the conversation round to blame me for something. Even if it's my opinion.
I'm so careful how I word things. To say that 'it feels like you are having a go at me' and that 'we are both to blame for the argument' but still he keeps saying that I only ever blame him and that I'm always having a go at him.
The past week I've not at all been myself as it's all really got to me. I haven't dared talk to him about it, just been telling him that I'm not well. He has seemed a bit concerned, but this morning it was mentioned and he wasn't in the best mood. It felt like he was demanding me to tell him what's going on, so I told him that I've been too scared to talk to him because he will just get angry if I'm honest about it. Again he seemed concerned so I started telling him what it feels like is happening, but that I'm aware he may not realise he is being that harsh to me. Huge mistake. He twisted it round on me. How I have mental issues but refuse to get help. It felt like he was saying I was making it all up and my 'mental issues' were twisting everything that happens. Kept saying that he's done nothing wrong. Refused to listen when I offered to explain what it feels like has been happening. Then he shut himself in his room and ignored me.
There's so much more that's been going on. He is so quick to criticise me, interrupt what I'm saying to tell me I'm wrong or accuse me of blaming him. Flat out won't listen to my side of what's going on, or my feeling and opinions. The tone of voice he uses make me feel like I'm stupid and honestly is at times scary. I'm made to feel like everything is my fault, yet apparently I blame him for everything. I am well aware that I'm part of the arguments, that I do things wrong, and contribute to all of it. So often I tell him that we are both at fault, and I admit what I've done, but still he usually says that he didn't do anything or will admit that ignoring my panic attack wasn't fair.
Sorry this is so long. I just don't know what to do. I can't afford to live alone, can't stay with family. I want to talk to him about it when he's calm but I don't think he'll ever let me. As soon as I say the tiniest thing negative about him, even 'it feels like you're having a go at me' results in it blowing up.
Just need some advice really 