To ask how you’d deal with these comments?

[NaviSprite]

I’ve posted a fair bit regarding my twins, now 2yo (DD and DS).

This isn’t a serious matter but it’s starting to get to me that people always comment that they look exhausted. They seem to have inherited my ghostly pale skin and their Dad’s massive blue eyes and so they usually have puffy bags/dark circles under their eyes.

After a bout of illnesses over Christmas these are slightly more pronounced and so the comments have increased to randomers who stop to coo over them in the street - which happens fairly frequently and I assume it’s the novelty of boy girl twins plus they still look quite little having been born premature.

This has extended onto Health Professionals as well, like me they’ve been tested for Anaemia a few times now, iron levels are fine. They eat well, drink plenty of water and generally have plenty of energy.

I haven’t quite gotten to the ‘stock’ answer that I usually employ in these situations and given I have quite strong health anxiety with them both after their rough start in life and having spent 4 months in NICU I find the comments creeping in my head and making me worry that there’s something actually wrong and I’m doing my best to keep a level head!

I probably should accept this is going to be normal for them as it is for me (unless I’m wearing makeup I’m often told I look shattered) and I’m probably over thinking this because I do worry a lot about the twins health, I try not to let it affect my parenting but it’s a bit of a battle sometimes. I don’t really know what my AIBU is tbf - has anybody else got experience with a constantly tired looking toddler and the niggling worry that they might be ill when in fact they were fine?

Unfortunately this is a hazard of small twins! Mine were also prem and are blind and blue eyed.

Given your health anxiety I would prepare a stock answer “they’re fine, thanks” and if pressed, something like “they are fine and I don’t appreciate being badgered”. You will need to get a thicker skin though as twins always invite comments (mine are 11 in two weeks and it still happens although not as often).

One of my (now 3yo) twins falls off the bottom of the bmi chart. She's tall and skinny and pale and now covered in some scarring from a terrible bout of chicken pox.

Looking at her you'd think she must be malnourished but as her mother I know that she is happy and healthy and full of energy.

Please try and work on your own self confidence in knowing that you know your children. Bags of energy and fed well etc..... Some people (me included) are just pale with dark circles!!

If people comment just tell them that's just the colouring of the kids and they are extremely healthy.

OMG mine are BLOND not blind!

Sorry... The "work on your own self confidence" comment want meant to sound harsh but reading that back it sounds like I'm telling you off.. I just meant that you know your kids, and be confident in that!

Thanks and I seem to go through cycles of good confidence with them to zero confidence and my GP and I are working on the health anxiety side of things. I don’t have much in the ways of a social circle so don’t have people IRL to vent to/ask about little things like this and DH just shrugs it off and says ‘ignore them then’ - which does make sense but irritates me unreasonably.

I can fend off questions about why they’re so little, why they’ve just started taking baby steps and why DS is practically non-verbal because I have heard them enough times now, I suppose I’ll just add this one to that mental list of ‘expect this to be said’ and go from there. 😊

I think if you are healthy but are prone to look tired, then most likely your twins have just inherited your genes! Most kids will look like their parents. If there are no other concerns just laugh it off with "poor things - they've obviously inherited my eye bags!" (And hopefully whoever is saying will be suitably embarrassed they mentioned it!)

I would prepare a stock answer "unfortunately people always ask that because of their complexion they're fine actually"....

If you're really annoyed "they're probably tired of people making rude comments about them" or "luckily three are too polite to say what they think of you!" And sweep past grandly.

(They, not three)

Thanks I think sometimes I still take things a little too personally with them, I think it comes from experiencing some harsh nurses when they were in NICU, a terrible first HV who reported falsely to SS when they were just home (since proven and case signed off after she was caught out lying between what she was telling me, reporting to the SS and reporting to the hospitals continual care nurse) I’ve felt I’ve needed to be defensive on their behalf for a lot and I probably just need to get out of my head about it all and Mumsnet is always good for helping me do that

@44PumpLane don’t worry you’re right and DH says it a fair bit to me as well but as he’s not often around when these situations occur (he only gets congratulated on managing two at once when he takes them out so doesn’t get it really) so I don’t find it easy to listen to him on these occurrences... I probably should really!

@ActualHornist I'm so glad that you updated with your typo. I felt really sorry for your luck at having not one but two blind babies. Thank God that they are blond - much easier to cope with.................:)

I always got this a lot from strangers/at school etc. as I am blond, blue-eyed and have EDS, which I'm told is why my dark circles are so bad. No one in the family ever mentioned them or looking particularly tired, so I have never really seen it as much of an issue. It winds me up more as an adult from people at work!

If you need a non-confrontational response, you could try saying "most of us look tired at this time of day / year, but they are a bit young for make-up / coffee!"

Or maybe the factual answer - "they're very pale and have translucent skin, there is nothing wrong with them. I look like that without my make-up"

ActualHornist must admit my first thoughts were poor little buggers! Glad they are just blonde not blind!

I have twins, grown up now, but I got a lot of comments as they were premature and small. The best one was when I was down town with them in a single pram. They were small enough to fit back to back in there, so you could see 2 heads above the blankets. Some woman peered in the pram, recoiled backwards and said "omg there's two of them in there!" Quick as a flash I said "omg really! Where did the other one come from? There was only one earlier" Really proud of that!

@Undercoverworker that’s brilliant! 😁

The most I’ve had other than oblivious comments about their size is “are they twins?” Or “which one is older?” And they’re the same height and general size - the only difference is DS has inherited his Dads large head so people assume he’s older so they look a bit put out when I say “DD is by about 15 seconds”.

You know they’re healthy so ignore the weird commenters. Some people are just strange.

Maybe they’re assuming twins must keep each other awake? Maybe they’re assuming you must be tired and so comment on your DC being tired as some kind of ‘let in’ for you to confirm that you’re tired. Who knows?

I’d keep any response curt. Don’t feel you have to explain or give details. Also, walk away.

Some people always comment on something. My 8 year old is pale, blonde haired and blue eyed and he has eds so usually looks tired as well. People also say he is too thin as well although last time he was weighed/measured he was on the 9-25th centile for both height and weight.

My 11 year old is a part time wheelchair user so when we are out we get a lot of "can he walk?", "will he always need a wheelchair?" and "what's wrong with him?" He quite liked the attention when he was a toddler but now he is older he hates it and after the 3rd or 4th question tells whoever it is to go away and leave him alone. Then I get tutting and comments about his rudeness .

People ask all kinds of stupid questions. My cousin has boy-girl twins has been asked if they are identical (by someone who knew one was a boy and the other a girl).

I think just continue working on your health anxiety, and maybe as a stock answer give a light laugh and say 'Oh, that's a rather personal comment' and move on.

Just say it's because they live in the cupboard under the stairs most days and smile....

Twins bring out the most ridiculous comments, I have two sets of twins and when they were little, they just seemed to bring out the stupid curiosity in people. You'll be letting it wash over you before long, honest.

“They look exhausted”

“Oh yes, I don’t let them sleep!” Laugh, eye roll, walk off.

Using humour (I’m not saying the above is hilarious by any stretch) is disarming to the comments, leaves you in control and doesn’t often invite an answer back.

At the risk of being one of 'those' people - is there a chance they could have allergy shiners? www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/320211.php

I only ask because people ALWAYS used to make similar comments to me (dark hair, pale skin, permanent dark circles under my eyes) and I've always been allergic to things. It wasn't until I was properly testd and treated that an allergy specialist mentioned my shiners and they were dramatically reduced once I was being treated for the low-level allergies that had been causing them.

Thanks Charity I wasn’t aware of this and it’s an interesting read. I don’t think there are allergies when it comes to me as I’ve been tested for most and apart from mild hay fever in the spring/summer there are none but that’s not to say the same is true for my twins.

I do need to keep working on my health anxiety absolutely and whilst I’m managing it well on a day to day basis I think I put too much thought into the comments of others when it comes to my DC as there’s always a little voice in the back of my head saying ‘but what if you’ve missed something?’ - if that makes sense. Glad to know I’m not alone in that twins do tend to attract some awkward conversations with strangers though!

The worst I had was at a group specifically for premature children and after three weeks I gave up, I was fed up of the weird atmosphere between the parents there, where they were either competing for ‘worst NICU experiences’ or then using my twins as a way to deflect their own worries - such as ‘oh my DD was small but your DD is positively tiny - doesn’t she eat well?’ - or ‘I thought my DS was delayed but seeing your DS makes me realise he’s actually ahead’.

That was late last year and since then I felt like I was right back at the beginning questioning my every move :/ thanks though for giving me a bit of a reality check and for sharing similar experiences