Boring sex but perfect in every other way

[thesparrowflieshigh]

DH is great, I totally love him and he is exactly my type physically. We've been together for 18 years but tbh our sex life has never been great. I was pretty much his first and he lacks any imagination in the bedroom and also confidence to do new things. We basically do the same stuff every time we have sex and I think he is happy with this. He also has the odd bout of ED mainly when stressed or tired and I don't want to exacerbate that. It's had a knock on effect on me because I don't do new things either as I'm worried he won't like it plus I've kind of lost confidence too. Sex with my partner prior to dh was great with loads of different foreplay but he was a twat in every other way. Not sure what I'm asking but I keep thinking about wanting things to improve but not knowing how.

It's common for things like sex to fall into a rut if you've been together for a long time. I'd say take the reins and tell him you want to spice things up a little. Get him a book on foreplay, karma sutra, whatever interests you that he can read about and apply. Or just tell him you want to try something new and put yourself into a new position (ie: if missionary is usual - go doggy!) - that will make him change things up as new position = new places to touch, new movements etc. Ask him what his secret fantasy is- or what he would really like to experience in bed - And try to give it to him. Even if it's a tad lame for you (like a blow job) it will hopefully ignite something in him and maybe he will be up for reciprocating by offering to carry out something you've been wanting for a while. It will give you an excuse to be able to tell him exactly what you want to make sex more interesting for you.

Take a bit more control in the bedroom. A lot of men like not having to set the agenda all the time.

This sounds ridiculous but would you consider sexual therapy? No idea if it works, but it can't hurt.

You'd be better off getting this moved to the sex forum OP, it's not really an AIBU and you're likely to get some unhelpful replies.

Have you actually talked about this? If not, how do you know he's not thinking exactly the same?

And talking about it doesn't have to be sitting down having a formal conversation - "darling please sit down. I want to talk about our sex life..." but you can surely skirt around the subject a bit in bed when you're both feeling relaxed - at least you can then gauge his reaction to raising the subject.

Men don’t always have to take the lead in the bedroom. Women don’t have to take a passive role. In my experience, many men dislike the expectation that they should be the ones to instigate sex.

It sounds like nothing is going to change unless you take action, so gently take the initiative, surprise him. Suggest new things. Tell him and show him what you like and what you want. Men are not mind readers.

Good luck!

Men can lack imagination as their end goal is just to orgasm. He might also feel shy so make some suggestions...just gently such as ‘ooh I love when you do x do it more but I also think y would be good can we try it?’

Thanks so much everyone you've spurred me on. I agree that I need to take the initiative and go for it gently. I've just text him - nothing too much but slightly suggestive. Feeling much better now instead of dwelling on it I need to change it.

I signed up to a website the other day called omgyes and it was very informative and female centered and showed that we are not alone with the things we think.

(I haven't mentioned the website to dh but it definitely helped me to be braver in being bolder).