Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To buy my own birthday present from our joint account?

21 replies

Forgivemenot · 07/01/2020 08:01

My birthday was last week. I didn't get a present from DP or our baby (I get that babies don't buy presents). I was asked what I wanted and tbh I couldn't think of anything. However, I have now found a few things I would like but I'm struggling to ask him for them as it feels like it is past my birthday and he can get a bit funny about these things. So would I be unreasonable to use our joint account (all the money in there is his, it's new do I haven't added mine to it yet) to buy two items totalling £90?

Not that it matters but I spent over £300 on his birthday back in the summer.

OP posts:

Useful22 · 07/01/2020 08:05

You have a joint account with someone who doesnt even get you a birthday present. Yeah I'd remove the 300 pounds and then the rest of my half of the account and then leave the relationship. He clearly cant be bothered. How long have you been together

onanothertrain · 07/01/2020 08:05

Without mentioning it to him - yes I think you would be unreasonable. Just say to him I've seen a couple of things I'd like for my birthday and get him to buy them/ buy them yourself as planned.

Chocmallows · 07/01/2020 08:06

£300 on him and nothing on you, plus you're nervous to use the account. Doesn't sound a fair set-up.

Rather than use the account, could you say you have birthday ideas now and let him know them, he should buy from his own money anyhow?

Original poster

Forgivemenot · 07/01/2020 08:09

This has happened in the past and when I did ask for his card to buy what I wanted I felt guilty as he didn't seem over impressed. I get this may be my issue but it was my perception at the time. I just feel awkward asking now the event has passed.

OP posts:

thejollyroger · 07/01/2020 08:11

What a tight tosser. Why does he think it’s okay to accept valuable gifts from you and give you nothing?

Chocmallows · 07/01/2020 08:12

Well can you use the joint then and say after "don't worry about ny birthday presents anymore, I've sorted it".

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 07/01/2020 08:32

It's a joint account so I wouldn't do it without mentioning it. I would just say that you've found a few things for your birthday and you're going to go ahead and get them. I don't see how anyone could object to that.

Brimful · 07/01/2020 08:38

It's worrying that you're nervous about asking him because of his expected reaction.

Did he get you a card? A token present like wine/chocs? Or throw any ideas at you like a meal or day out?

My DH is an awful gift giver, plus I'm hard to buy for, but he always makes an effort in someway.

We have a joint account and even if I told him I'd bought myself something he'd be really glad.

Actionhasmagic · 07/01/2020 08:48

On to a right winner there. Honestly who are these below average men who don’t invest care and love to their partners.

Fannia · 07/01/2020 08:49

I've got a feeling you would get a bad reaction if you just buy something. To be fair when it's a new joint account and you suddenly go out and buy something expensive without discussing it that could come across as if you are not going to be responsible with the joint money. But you should be able to talk freely about spending and agree on most things if you are going to share finances. Otherwise there is potentially a lot of conflict and if he is controlling he can be very controlling of your finances.

SandyY2K · 07/01/2020 08:59

Do you have to account for everything you buy from the account?

OlaEliza · 07/01/2020 09:01

Did you ask him what he wanted for his bday or did you think about what he might like and choose it for him yourself, so he had something on his actual bday 🤨

I wouldn't be adding my half to a joint account, I'd be considering the relationship tbh.

BarbaraofSeville · 07/01/2020 09:05

Buy these things this time if you want them, but don't fall into the 'buying your own birthday (and Christmas, Mother's Day etc etc?) present' trap.

How the items are paid for is far less of an issue than the thought and effort that goes into choosing, buying/ordering and wrapping/giving the present. If you do that, that's not a present from him, even if he or the joint account does pay for it, that's just normal shopping.

Maybe scale back on presents and just get each other a token surprise and go for a meal/day out, rather presents of significant value.

You're then free to just buy what you want/need as and when you like, rather than entering into a charade of you buying something and designating it as your birthday present 'from him' when he has had little or no involvement whatsoever.

kingkuta · 07/01/2020 09:07

Could you approach it by saying something like 'you know I couldn't think of anything for my birthday well I've seen xxxx now which I'd love' and send him a link? Its disgusting he is didn't get you anything, I'd be really hurt by that. Is he generally a thoughtless bastard? Next time, even if you can't think of anything say 'get me a surprise' so he'll have to give it some thought.

Out of interest, did you get nice thoughtful Christmas presents?

CakeandCustard28 · 07/01/2020 09:10

You sound nervous to use your joint account, somethings not right here. Maybe get your own account on the side that said I would just say to him the truth that you’ve seen something you’d like and you’d like to buy it. If he says no, then he’s a arsehole. He could of still tried to buy you something for your birthday regardless.

Fannia · 07/01/2020 09:18

Maybe scale back on presents and just get each other a token surprise and go for a meal/day out, rather presents of significant value.

This is what we do as we have a joint account and also the more expensive things I tend to want are things like clothes or household items that wouldn't be good gifts anyway. So we have token presents and a meal out which works well.

Shoxfordian · 07/01/2020 09:25

Has he ever bought you a present? He sounds very thoughtless.

Original poster

Forgivemenot · 07/01/2020 09:48

He did ask me what I wanted. I said I couldn't think of anything so don't worry too much (I've just had a baby my priorities are there). Christmas we jointly agreed not to get anything as we had the baby and we concentrated on a nice day. We both got a token gift.

Only one birthday he didn't bother. The others I have always received something. We did go out for a meal and I got a card from him and one from DS.

The joint account is for bills only. I have my own money as does he.

OP posts:

Babymamamama · 07/01/2020 09:55

To be honest I wouldn't buy my own present out of a joint account as I would take no pleasure from that. Instead I would focus on communicating more clearly to my partner. He took you at your word remember you basically told him not to bother but you actually didn't mean that. You could have said I can't think of anything but I will get back to you. Or you could have said I can't think of anything but I'd love a surprise. Just chalk it up to experience let it go and then communicate more clearly next time.

NoSquirrels · 07/01/2020 10:02

Send him a link to the things you like, say ‘I know I said I wasn’t fussed but I’d really like to buy these ... ‘ and see what he says.

Don’t use the joint account though on things you haven’t discussed.

The communication is the issue.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 07/01/2020 10:06

Just ask him to get it for you. I thnk he has been super mean and he needs to make that up. Did he actually forget or think you didn't deserve a gift?

Flip