Do i keep buying presents for my adult nephew.

[Crazymaisienumber9]

Full disclosure. I am single and dont have any children so please dont hold this against me as a fake 'mumsnetter' ! I would appreciate some opinions on my situation. I have done my bit for all my 3 nephews and one niece over the years. All are below 20 except for my eldest nephew
who is mid 30s. He lives a long way from me so I dont see him much. It has been made kind of obvious (not in a nasty way) that he favours my other sister to me. She sends him money /card for his birthday. I stopped a few years ago because I had a big birthday no card no text no nothing, not necessarily unusual but for my big birthday I would have thought some acknowledgement would have been forthcoming. I honestly wasnt expecting a present but a text would have been nice. So I thought he is an adult now and should at the least reciprocate in some way. I hope you dont think I'm being mean, I'm not, but this just got me thinking. So now he is getting married and his wife to be being a little older than him it will soon be wedding gifts and then baby presents very soon after for ever more. My situation is that i am on my own I dont earn a fortune and gift giving for aunts seems to be a one way street. I only have 3 nephews and one niece and have given generously to them all for birthdays, christmas, going to college sort of things. Am I being unreasonable thinking/feeling like this. My one niece who was 16 at the time did buy me a lovely scarf with her own money for Christmas a couple.of years ago. Other than that her mum bought a gift ostensibly from her and her brother for me for christmas as I good to them ( used to move in and look after the kids and dog while their parents went on holiday for 5 or so days kind of thing). My sister always did get me something for this though. I suppose what I'm asking is what do other people do ? Or AIBU /mean.

I never give gifts with the hope that the recipient will reciprocate.

If you want to give people things, do so - but not with the expectation that they will give you something in return.

Slightly skewed thinking, IMO.

But of course it is entirely up to you if you want to give presents to relatives.

No you’re not mean, and I’d stop. With adult nephews and nieces I think you only need to do presents if it’s an exchange, as with your niece. It can be awkward finding the cut off point but maybe the marriage will give you an excuse.

I think stop giving
I do nieces and nephews up to 21 and then stop

In our family we stop giving when they reach 19, Xmas and birthdays. Otherwise, where does it all end?

We will stop birthdays at 21. We stopped Christmas at 18.

I wouldn't get into the habit of sending gifts for future babies. We certainly didn't get gifts from all our aunts and uncles when our kids were born. Obviously if you are invited to their wedding then you'll get a gift for the couple but after that there's no need. And if you're not invited to the wedding then no gift would be required. Once the other nephews and nieces are a bit older/working it would also be fine to stop sending money/gifts for birthdays. My aunt/godmother rings me on my birthday. It's enough that she remembers to do that. I'd never expect gifts or even a card.

I don’t do adult neices or nephews

I made it clear, when taking on godchildren, and as nieces and nephews arrived, that 21, the former age of majority, was the "cut-off point". I know it's 18 now, but I figured they would still appreciate a sub from auntie as young students or newly started on a career. One final significant present, full stop. I took this cue from my own relatives, who gave me some lovely pieces of jewellery for my 21st, which I still treasure and wear.
After that, a "little something" in acknowledgement of birthdays, Christmas, moving into their own flat etc." It's your turn to be the grownup!" is the watchword here!
By all means acknowledge his wedding, arrival of sprogs, etc., with a well-chosen card, but if you sincerely feel there is no real relationship, I would quietly fade out.
As your nephew has not taken on this adult role, I feel he hasn't really kept to his side of the deal.
If enquiries are made (on his behalf, I'll bet, not directly!) you could innocently say that you weren't sure if you'd got the right address any more, as previous messages have received no acknowledgement...…..

We stop at 18 for birthday & Christmas ( with the exception of 21). I sometimes buy presents in between if I see something any of my nieces & nephews would like.

I had a large family 22 niece's and nephews 7great niece's and nephews.
I still give birthday presents. At Christmas I give to the ones who don't have children. I give to the others children at Christmas.
It costs a bloody fortune 😂😂.
All of them give presents to dd at birthdays and Christmas.

You have done more than enough presents wise considering the ages of your nephews/nieces. Plus you have been a good Auntie.
I am in a similar situation where my 2 nephews are mid twenties and now actually earn much more money than I do! So I stopped giving gift vouchers for birthdays and Christmas and just send cards. I think it's perfectly acceptable.

I think at 30 you are YANBU to stop.

It irks me that DH now sends money to his neices' and nephews' children for birthday and Christmas which costs us £400 per year. None of them bothered to contact him following major surgery and we have not received a Christmas card from anyone of them either this year.

I'd stop but he doesn't want to look mean.

Thanks all for your perspectives on this situation. Mustress Mohr I dont give the gifts waiting for a gift back, particularly since the gifts are being given from when they're a baby! I suppose I realised after about 33 years with this particular nephew that as he didnt even send a text message to wish me a happy birthday on my significant birthday that it didnt even factor in his life about me, that's why I'm re-evaluating my own efforts and wondered when it was a reasonable time to stop giving them gifts. It hurt a little that he didnt even message me particularly since I spent a lot of time with him as a baby, as a young adult gave him counsel when he was a bit depressed generally as a teenager and then later when he broke up with a girl he was mad about and then gave him a little money when he was skint once as a student even though I was broke myself...but he didnt know that. Just makes you wonder about the amount of investment you give to people and how little you factor in their lives.

I don't think adults ever need to exchange presents, tbh, though of course if both want to, that's fine. But there certainly doesn't need to be one-way gift giving. Stop and don't feel guilty!

i come from a large family (i'm single and childfree) and i cut this crap out a long time ago.
Even at £10 per head i'm looking at spending circa my monthly rent - on xmas gifts alone just for the kids!
Then there's birthdays/easter and the list goes on.

I've had no complaints - to my face anyway.
They know the score, they treat me like shit and control access to my neices and nephews - so i'm not throwing money at them.
If anybody complains - ask them, did they get your permission and check whether YOU could afford it all before they started having kids?
No! So you are under NO OBLIGATION to spend money on them.

Give gifts if YOU WANT to - never because you feel like you HAVE to.
That way if they don't give back YOU don't feel bad.
If you do - then you need to look at your own co-dependence in the situation.

I'd just stop. He might well be relieved. My retired aunts and uncles still buy for me and now my children. I tell them to stop but they don't. It's silly. I don't need their money or gifts. I would have an equally lovely relationship with them all if they didn't.

What I'm not prepared to do is but for them all in return as that's just making a silly merrygoround of gift giving even worse. They don't need my £10 soap set any more than i need the £10 scarf from them that I'll never wear.

Just stop. I wish my relatives would.

I also don't think you should expect him to buy for you now he is an adult. Just stop the entire palaver of unnecessary (and likely unwanted) gift giving .

I stop buying at 21, they get a special gift because it's their 21st birthday then just a card after that (I never get a card sent to me from them but continue to send them a card anyway).

I bought for my sister until she had children, then for my nephew and niece until they had children of their own (aged 29 and 33). Now I buy for the children.
In your case, I think I would buy the nephew and his wife to be a wedding present if you are invited to the wedding. Not otherwise, unless you wish to do so. And then for any children when they are born, and on their first birthday, but not afterwards as a matter of course.

It all seems pretty logical in black and white, but maybe I fell into a family thing where my siblings were doing it so I felt I had to, but all my siblings are much better off than me. My other sister is his God parent so that might explain the closer relationship too. Thanks again for your insights it has helped me see it all more reasonably and clearly.