To want to leave my job

[Rubyfriyay]

Been at my job a year and a half now, love the actual role and it's up there with being a dream role for me but my boss makes me want to leave. I can't do anything right, we agree on something and then weeks later she'll ask why I'm doing something a certain way and when I mention we discussed it she looks at my like I'm mad?? She makes me feel like I'm going mad, all my other jobs I've got promotions really quickly, been counter offered whenever I've moved on but this one I feel like I'm useless at it and it's absolutely ruining my confidence... but I love what I do and it's not like I can move somewhere similar as it's quite niche. She talks down to me, I'm scared to ask a question because when I do she answers it so loudly so everybody can hear and talks to me like it's my first day... I don't know, I can't put my finger on it.

AIBU to think I should cut my losses, put it down to we just don't work well together and leave begrudgingly? Or should I suck it up and keep trying my best??

How open do you think she is to feedback? Would you be able to actively address these issues, or would you get shot down? If need be, can you talk to her boss?

If you’d only given it a couple of months I’d think you were being premature in leaving, but after 18 months you probably have a good measure of the situation. If you don’t hate it, you are in a good place to look for the right new job instead of any other job.

I have worked with a similar manager, one who made me question my sanity in the end. I said black, she said white, she would change her mind and forget to tell me, making me look like an idiot when I questioned her and made me doubt myself in so many ways. She damaged my confidence badly, and I still haven't completely gotten over that. For your own peace of mind, and quality of life, I would advise you to leave if you can. She is who she is, I don't think she'll change and you're just getting punished every day

I’ve been there as well. I left.

It’s bloody awful way to work. Get another job.

I think you should find another job. It doesn't sound like things are going to get better for you while this woman is around and she will gradually erode your confidence.

I've had a similar experience and it was utterly nerve-racking.

Currently in a small team of three. We had a boss who sounds similar to this one. Just not cut out for the role.

The relief when he was moved on was palpable. We only really realised in retrospect how awful it was. Even years later, we sometimes c mention for you remember when used to do ... and how siht It made us feel.

Get yourself a new job out, carefully make sure it really is better. You know what to check out. All the best.

If she has form for changing her mind and making out that it's you in the wrong, then you need to start documenting everything and cc in any relevant colleagues. If you have a meeting or discussion, follow it up with an email setting out exactly what was agreed. Should you need to ask a question or need clarification, ask her by email. Don't just keep the emails, print them out and file them, likewise all her emails to you. Then, next time she pulls the trick, you have proof that you have done what she asked you to do in the first place.

I echo what Sheena said. I've been in same situation. I stayed longer than I should have and regret it years later. Get out as soon as you can, its so damaging for your confidence.

I agree with Dreaming.

After each discussion where you agree to do something fire off a quick email to her confirming your understanding if what was discussed and what you will be doing.

If she asks you why explain that there seems to have been some misunderstandings lately and you are sending the email clarifications to ensure you are both clear on what was agreed.

If she tries to make out you agreed something different at a later date, you have written proof.

Thank you all for your replies! Sad to hear some of you have been through similar experiences.

I did think about following up in writing but honestly, I would be following up constantly. I could do it after every 121 but would most likely be met with, that's a waste of your time.

I feel bad because perhaps she doesn't realise she's coming across like this to me, but I know she wouldn't take too kindly to highlighting how I feel.

Another vote for leave as soon as you find an alternative position.

I was in a similar situation a year ago for 18months and my confidence is still knocked for six even though I'm now in a new department with wonderful people.

I look back and can't understand why I put myself through it and didn't leave ASAP.

OP, I think that it won't be until you remove yourself from this awful working environment that you realise how destructive it is.

I was a very experienced midwife. After ten years I left for two years to be a SAHM.

I went back to work to a different hospital and encountered an utterly appalling senior midwife, who eroded my confidence so much that I couldn't remember how to cut a baby's cord.

Ridiculous situation and I hated going to work so much that I actually tried to kill myself. I was beyond desperate unhappiness.

Don't let this woman destroy you. Get out.

You absolutely need to follow up in writing to cover your back. Just an email to say 'today we discussed x, it's my understanding you want y, is that correct?'

Every single time.

I recommend the ask a manager blog, the search function is really useful and there is some great stuff on there

I also recommend following up with emails. How often do you have 121s? If every day I can see how that would be a burden, but if it's the normal weekly then yes absolutely follow up. If she questions why you're doing it say something like "oh there's so much to keep on top of, I want to make sure I have everything straight in my head and emails really help" smile sweetly but chances are she will know exactly why you're doing it.

I would recommend you leave, but if the job is so niche etc etc then it might be worth staying and battling through.

You could also have a chat with HER manager and just say that you feel that she communicates poorly and you were wondering if there was anything they could recommend that they find works. You may be met with surprise, unless she's a complete scatterbrain.

I had one of these! I’d leave.

Make sure every objective toj set is SMART and document them . Then absolutely smash your targets as I'm sure you will and she wont have a leg to stand on.
Use an App like Trello to keep track.
If that fails can you have a different management chain?

@TheMustressMhor that's so sad Op, I hope you went back into midwifery? We need more compassionate people like you int he profession. No one needs a battle axe when you're at your most vulnerable

You could also have a chat with HER manager and just say that you feel that she communicates poorly and you

I'd advise against this - it can often cause you a lot of grief in the longer term, and it could seriously backfire. I'd say look for something else, life's too short.

I am with the life's too short crew. You cannot win against your boss unless her seniors have the same view of her and she is on her way out anyway OR you have a powerful champion who is prepared to back you up against her. Both exceptions are very rare situations hence it is best to cut losses and look elsewhere.

If your job is niche, then the market is small. If you pick a fight with her, she is in a better position to destroy your reputation. Best to not burn bridges and instead strive to leave on seemingly good terms. It is not fair but ultimately simpler and less emotionally draining in the longer run.

@TheMustressMhor that's awful, I too hope that's all behind you and you went back?

Thank you all for taking the time to reply and offer advice they have been so helpful and I have taken all on board. I think I'll ensure I follow up everything in writing where possible and try my best to get my confidence back up, whilst looking for my next venture! Off for the next few days so might start looking!!

I can sympathise....
I've started a new job been here a month gave up a job i loved for what was supposed to be a promotion.

Turns out im paid more and have a better job title but all I do is basically admin. I have no authority no decision making or control over the smallest thing.

My boss is like yours really nit picky nothing is ever good enough . She tells me to do something one way I do it then looks at me like im insane for doing it because it appears shes forgotten.

Her expectations arent realistic and the smallest thing she will nit pick and point out fault. I don't know how something is supposed to be done im doing what's already in place.

I have manager in my job title but I'm a glorified admin assistant.

oh and OP I've started job hunting this place has already had a knock on my self confidence I can only imagine long term how much of a wreck I'd be.

Im gutted I gave up a job I loved to come to this.

Im looking to leave asap and will have to take a pay cut but so be it my mental health is more important as this keeps me awake at night.

I don't know what my boss wants as they don't explain it very well I've never had this problem before ever.
my last line manager was hard to please so I was expecting the same sort of high standards but this is too much this is micro managing right down to these type of font used for example. I can't give more specifics as could be outing.

Anyone who is surprised by how many bosses there are who are not supporting their team to be productive might be interested to read up on the 'Peter Principle', that people tend to keep being promoted til they get to a role they are no good at, and them get stuck there.

I would pick a good boss over any other criteria for a job. If you are not yet so lucky, keep looking, there are good ones out there.

I would pick a good boss over any other criteria for a job

This is good advice, although I might have some additional criteria.

Once when I was looking to change jobs I was offered an interview for a senior role at a company located about 40 minutes drive away. I arrived on time and was kept waiting for half an hour before someone finally came to reception and barked at me to follow her. No greeting, no introductions, just 'Follow me.'

5 minutes into the interview she had managed to ask if I had considered the length of the daily commute (yes, I'd considered it before even coming), she had asked about my plans for having a family, questioned if I was really doing the job that was listed as my current role and had still not introduced herself.

So I asked her for her name and to explain her position in the company - having not introduced herself, she could have been from HR or a line manager or the CEO. As I had suspected, she would be my immediate boss. So I folded up my notes, thanked her for her time and walked out. Life is just too short.

@Havanananana that's awful that you were asked about plans for having a family as a woman that question is sex discrimination and they cant ask that!

My boss in the interview seemed ok and decent but that's not the case actually working for her !