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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that my friends didn’t visit when I was depressed?

15 replies

Jkr987 · 06/01/2020 10:41

ive had a bad couple of weeks of depression and have been at home on my own. My friends know and are supportive offering me lots of kind words and trying to help, but only over messages. One has tried to call, one has asked a few times to meet up. But nobody just came over to see me. To me if I was worried about a friend this is what I’d do... I am feeling a little better now and one of my friends did come over yesterday but only because I asked. It helped immensely to talk to someone face to face.

Did my friends think I just didn’t want to see them? And that I needed space? Or did they not want the awkwardness of going over to a depressed persons house?

I know I am probably being unreasonable! And maybe the only reason I would go to visit someone if I knew they were this low is because I’ve felt it.. and that’s what I always want. I just wished someone would come over and force me to talk and then talk about something normal, get me out of my own head. Is it wrong that I feel like I shouldn’t have to ask?

(Please don’t think I am being ungrateful to my friends, I appreciate them so much and they could easily have given up on me when I’m depressed and they haven’t. Just trying to work through the thoughts in my head)

OP posts:
NoMorePoliticsPlease · 06/01/2020 10:43

I think you expecting instead of asking. If yo want someone to come round then you should invite them, but be prepared for them not to wnt to. Not everyone is a good listener for depression

MaintainTheMolehill · 06/01/2020 10:45

They sound like good friends who wanted permission from you first before coming to visit. Perhaps they know that sometimes people with depression just need to be on their own for a while.
I really think you are overthinking it as as soon as you asked your friend was there.

Hope you are feeling better Flowers

Original poster
Jkr987 · 06/01/2020 10:50

Thank you. I think I agree. Just needed to vent!

OP posts:
FramingDevice · 06/01/2020 10:56

Did you ask them to visit? Didn't you answer the phone when one friend 'tried to call'? And didn't you accept the invitations to meet offered by another?

When I have been depressed, I would rather cut off my own head with a rusty saw than host visitors, especially if they just showed up -- in fact, I would see a desire for company as a sign that you weren't in fact feeling that depressed. When I have been bad in the past, I have literally been unable to get up out of bed and walk down the hall to the bathroom to clean my teeth, so the idea of answering the door and talking would have been beyond my capacity. It's certainly not a given that a depressed person would want to be called on, and I think you're deeply unreasonable to expect your friends to know that you want them to call to your house.

Hope you are feeling better.

ohprettybaby · 06/01/2020 10:57

I think people don't know what to do for the best when someone is depressed. Some just don't know how to handle it.

I wouldn't just turn up at the home of someone suffering depression either but would offer my support in the and way your friends have. They probably do feel that you needed space so try not to be too down on them.

Perhaps, when you are feeling better, let them know what you need when you are feeling depressed so they know for the future.

ChoccieEClaire · 06/01/2020 10:58

I'm glad to hear you're starting to feel a little bit brighter.
As a friend it's always tough to know what's best for your friend.
I have a friend who has bipolar and when she is struggling she wants to be at home on her own, it would send her into a complete spin if I just showed up.
I think you need to let them know what you need when you need it.
If they message and ask how you're doing then reply and say it would be great to see them face to face.

CakeandCustard28 · 06/01/2020 10:58

Sound like caring friends to me if they tried to call and arrange to meet up a few times and then did come round after you asked. YABU you can’t expect them to just drop everything and come running. However that said I do hope your feeling a little better now OP. Flowers

Original poster
Jkr987 · 06/01/2020 11:03

Thanks everyone. It’s so good to get these outside perspectives because I know when I am going through depression a lot of my thoughts are not reasonable or logical!

OP posts:
TheSoapyFrog · 06/01/2020 11:22

I never just turn up to anybody's home uninvited unless for an emergency.
I remember when I had a breakdown years ago and was signed off work, nobody would have dared just pop over because I found it stressful and didn't want to see anyone. Especially if I hadn't washed for a couple of days and was looking and smelling like a swamp creature.
Your friends probably didn't think you'd want uninvited guests either. But the fact they have called and stuff shows they do care and would probably happily come over if invited.

LeSquigh · 06/01/2020 13:50

In my experience of depression, and as someone also said above, the fact that you wanted visitors makes me think that your depression wasn’t that bad. Sorry, I am not trying to play down how you say you feel but I think the vast majority of people with depression just want to be left alone. It is also very difficult for those around you to know how to deal with it, know what to say and what the right thing to do is.

Tableclothing · 06/01/2020 13:59

I wouldn't ever just drop in on someone - particularly someone ill - without checking first it was OK.

You said in your OP that one friend had tried to call, and another asked several times to meet up. If you ignored these invitations (or turned them down) then it's quite reasonable of your friends to think you didn't want to see them, and that they might have done more harm than good by turning up.

I've had problems with depression in the past and if one of my friends had unexpectedly showed up at my door when the house was a tip/I hadn't managed to get dressed etc then I would have been mortified.

Is it wrong that I feel like I shouldn’t have to ask? In the nicest possible way, yes. Your friends obviously care about you but they don't have psychic powers. If you want to see someone, sometimes you have to send them a text that says so.

JaPls299 · 06/01/2020 21:57

rhank you for telling me my depression isn’t that bad. The suicidal thoughts and plans told me otherwise

OhMeows · 06/01/2020 22:10

Did you reply to the one that tried calling and the one who wanted to meet?

If you didn't they probably assumed you wanted to be left alone. It's more common that people with depression actively don't want to see people.

If they offered or tried to see you then I don't think they were in the wrong.

CarolinaPink · 06/01/2020 22:16

They prolly don’t know how to behave, and are embarrassed.

Despite MH being in the headlines these days, many people are scared of it. They’re much more comfortable dealing with a broken limb or diagnosed physical condition. So don’t take it personally but try to encourage them to visit, so they can see you’re the same person they always knew. You’re not being being unreasonable but I think you’re not seeing it from their POV. You may need to educate them Flowers

bridgetreilly · 06/01/2020 22:17

Maybe a good thing to do at some point is to say, 'Hey, thanks for all the supportive messages and so on when I was really struggling with the depression. You know what I'd really appreciate if it happens again, is if you had time to just come over and see me for a cup of tea or whatever.'

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